Last week, Chechen president Ramzan Kadyrov, a former rebel known as “Putin’s dragon,” lost his cat. “We have begun to seriously worry,” he wrote on Instagram, asking for his country’s help.

Graham Fuller, a retired CIA officer whose daughter was briefly married to Ruslan Tsarnaev (Uncle Ruslan), has come out and flatly denied any CIA connection to the Tsarnaev's, calling the allegations “absurd.”

Perhaps that ad for Vladimir Putin's United Russia that turned a voting booth into a capsule sex hotel worked a little too well, as a record-setting 146% of the Russian electorate turned out for Sunday's parliamentary elections. (The figures pictured above are actually those of Rostovskaya Oblast, a region about 440 miles south of Moscow.)

It's about time Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was recognized for his work in Chechnya, where Russian Federation troops killed as many as 5,000 civilians and 10,000 Chechen troops, as well as displaced a quarter-million refugees. Thankfully, the China International Peace Studies Center has stepped forward to bestow its prestigious Confucius Peace Prize on Putin for the "iron hand and toughness" he peacefully displayed in his invasion of Chechnya.

October 5th marked the 35th birthday of Chechnya's president, Ramzan Kadyrov, who was installed into office at age 30, three years after his father's assassination. Ramzan wanted celebrities at his party, and what Ramzan wants, Ramzan gets. So Hilary Swank, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Seal collected their checks, hopped a flight to Grozny, and got cozy with Ramzy!

When you hear the names "Chechnya" and "Grozny" you might be reminded of images of death and destruction from the former Soviet republic's brutal wars with Moscow. Fair enough! But it's totally nice now, and is run by a Moscow-backed murderous warlord, Ramzan Kadyrov, who has an untold amount of innocent blood on his hands and likes to play soccer. In fact, Chechnya is so nice that a 9-year-old girl from Siberia who suffered from narcolepsy was sent there for six months and now she's cured. So, what's the secret? According to a statement on Chechnya's official website:

Ramzan Kadyrov, murderous warlord and "president" of Chechnya, is trying to recast his country as a hub for international football. And to celebrate the opening of a new stadium he had built in Grozny, Kadyrov hosted a friendly match between his team, made up of various criminals and murderers businessmen, and a team of retired international stars that included Argentinian great Diego "Hand of God" Maradona.