We're constantly being told that "First" "Lady" Michelle Hussein Obama loves health food. Is that right? Oh really? Is that so? Then why is the famous healthy White House chef fleeing at top speed—hmmm??

National security wonks this week are wondering: Which U.S. spooks in Northern Virginia put out a classified ad seeking a chef with a Top Secret security clearance? Two things are known: The hiring agency runs the CIA's cafeteria, and CIA workers don't think much of their cafeteria.

The Dowager Butterworth, Paula Deen, has allegedly taken an interesting tactic in defending herself against that explosive lawsuit filed by a former employee, accusing her of racism, sexual harassment, and assault: the National Enquirer reports she's just given a deposition in which she admits that "Yes, of course" she throws around racial slurs at work and thinks an elegant idea for a wedding might be to staff it with black men pretending to be slaves. Who doesn't? We're all Americans here, right?

Anthony Bourdain is a man of many talents and many curse words: For the past 30 years, he's been a successful chef, then author, and television host, traveling the world for his Travel Channel series, No Reservations, and eating at some of the most loved restaurants in the world (as well as its least-known food stalls and noodle stands). In short, for at least the past decade, he's held down everyone's dream job.

Fast food is a luxury these days. Fast food chains can no longer just set up a plastic lean-to on the side of any major highway and expect Americans to flock in for 99-cent anus burgers; now, they have to convince impoverished Americans that their "Val-U Men-U" items were prepared by a real live chef.

You'd think a professional chef who is also a cannibal would be into some ambitious human meat food, right? Nope! A 21-year-old Russian cook and (now-jailed) cannibal settled for some boring old meatballs and sausages.

Three days after the internet shamed Ina Garten for rejecting a pediatric cancer patient's Make-A-Wish request to cook a meal with her, the Barefoot Contessa has agreed to fit a 6-year-old leukemia patient into her busy schedule. After twice rejecting Enzo Pereda's request, Ina is now pleading ignorance:

In the most aggressive season to date, Nona and Russell battled through sabotage, near fistfights, and incompetent teammates to make it this far. However, when the winner is finally announced, the second place chef doesn't take it gracefully at all.

Whatever you do, don't talk trash about Yelp users. If you do—like Denver chef Scott Parker recently did—then they'll do one of two things:

Rotund, Croc-clad celebrity chef Mario Batali, who also works part-time as Gwyneth Paltrow's spirit guide, is being sued by the waiters and busboys at his highly regarded New York restaurant Del Posto. The staffers claim their tips were pooled illegally.

New Jersey chef Joe Cerniglia, who once appeared on Kitchen Nightmares, committed suicide last week. Since then, his ongoing affair made the papers. And today, we find out he OD'd on coke last summer. Suicide kills reputations, too. [NYP]

Joe Cerniglia, the chef and former Kitchen Nightmares contestant who committed suicide last week, was reportedly having an affair with his pastry chef. Suicide's tendency to make all your private peccadilloes public is just one of its drawbacks.

Joe Cerniglia, the chef at New Jersey restaurant Campania, jumped to his death off the George Washington Bridge last Friday. His death's in the papers because he once appeared on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Cause and effect overreach alert?

Iowa chef Christopher Turla was fined $335 after county health inspectors saw a video of him "kissing and licking" two small toads on a prep table in his restaurant's kitchen. So that's how chefs come up with those weird recipes.

This is what America's sad obsession with cooking reality shows hath wrought: a whole generation of kids who attend "culinary summer camps" (by choice). Are 13 year-olds not unbearable enough? Must they be foodies as well?

Fred Wills, Jr.—chef and owner of Virginia Beach restaurant Big Daddy's: A Touch of the South—has been charged with running a cocaine and marijuana drug ring in four states, Eater.com reports.

Daniel Boulud—world-renowned chef, restaurateur, and occasional Top Chef guest judge—is adding another title to his resume: divorcé.

So the ex-cook-who-tells-stories Anthony Bourdain is running a contest on his book's website, inviting people to submit a 500-word essay answering the question "Why cook well?" (or alternatively "What does it mean to cook food well?" It's a little confusing, they mean every so slightly different things.)

Juan-Carlos Cruz, report CNN, used to host Calorie Commando on the Food Network. He's now "accused of plotting to hire homeless people to carry out a murder," according to police in California.

British chef Jamie Oliver has a new television series where he's given the task of changing the way that the residents of Huntington, West Virginia eat. It's both entertaining and sad to see his efforts in the fattest American city.