After two years of playing footsie with Valleywag, I've finally been hired full time to write for what these kids call The Olds — that means winning over Fleetwood Mac fans and Fortune subscribers. Waist-high ace reporter Kara Swisher goaded me to start my first full day today with a journalistic "disclosure" statement like hers. She assured me that coming clean of my conflicts of interest would assuage Internet geezers suspicious of eww bloggers. Ok, but just this once. I hate journalism about journalism, plus I need to get back to nagging Arnel Pineda for an interview.

How laden with pulchritude was the floor of Moose's last Friday, when we sent off Natali Del Conte? Check the shoes. What's even sexier? The stock options attached to some of this mod-shod squad. For you shoe fetishists out there, who wore what:

I think this photo speaks for itself. Pownce cofounder Leah Culver — no, I don't know what Pownce does don't tell me LA LA LA — has trampled the competition at Dig a Silicon Valley Girl. Rocketing women's roles in the Valley 30 years backwards, the site proves all a gal needs to make it is a videoblog and/or an early-employee gig at Google. But special thanks to all the German Splunk admins who voted for a black-and-white headshot of my wife. You guys are dorks, but with class.

Yes, tonight's the night. Dan Lyons as Fake Steve Jobs is meeting Segway-polo fanatic Real Steve Wozniak for an Options reading at the Menlo Park Keplers at 7:30. This is a party that we just can't miss. Some of us anyway. My boss is too cheap to let me expense a Virgin America flight cross-country. Owen "Mr. Bigglesworth" Thomas will be there, purring away. So will Megan McCarthy, the self-proclaimed "Princess of the Valley." Finally, very special correspondent Paul Boutin (boo-TAHN) will be there with his wife, Christina Noren, whom voters on Dig a Silicon Valley Girl have deemed the prettiest girl in the area. You don't want to miss that! Hit the jump to see what Fake Steve had to say the last time Woz crashed his party.