“History moves fast,” Stephen Colbert says in this short monologue critiquing the dissenting opinions on the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision. “It’s hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full, Constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did.”

Monday morning, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas broke his impressive seven-year courtroom silence with a stupid Yale joke. Or at least that's what people think he said – the official transcriber (somewhat appropriately) failed to record the entire comment, although they did note it produced some laughter.

In a much anticipated ruling, the Supreme Court struck down major parts of Arizona's immigration law, allowing the federal government and not the state to set immigration policy. The controversial "show me your papers" clause, however, was left in.

Prep-school prankster Tucker Carlson, publisher of The Daily Caller, has hired another dynamo reportorial talent: Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, will work as a correspondent. Good choice! She's never scared to pick up the phone.

Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas likes to have sex with two women at the same time! He's also, according to his former lover Lillian McEwen, who has written a book about what it's like to have a three-way with someone who would eventually become a fundamentalist Supreme Court justice, basically a human fucksaw: "McEwen gushes over Thomas' prowess and 'fantasy [package],' describing his body as 'coffee-bean ... velvet-covered cement.'" Rock hard, baby.

On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen revealed the secret behind Clarence Thomas' long-running courtroom silence. Turns out, the Supreme Court justice is a psychic! Too bad the only mind he can read is Antonin Scalia's.

Ginni Thomas, Tea Party big-wig and wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has conceded her "mistake" in demanding an apology from Anita Hill over the 1991 confirmation hearings fiasco, over voicemail. Clearly she should have sent a text message.

Lillian McEwen, the book-touting former girlfriend (as in, way former) of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, previously said he was addicted to porn. On tonight's Larry King Live, another revelation: apparently, quitting alcohol made Thomas go absolutely cray-cray! Video inside.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' ex-girlfriend Lillian McEwen has decided to "break her silence" about their five-year-long relationship in a Washington Post interview. Turns out, Justice Thomas was "obsessed with porn" and was "partial to women with large breasts." Shocking!

Nineteen years ago, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was barely confirmed by the Senate after a former colleague, Anita Hill, accused him of sexual harassment. So it's a little odd that Thomas' wife just called Hill to demand an apology.

Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas and family are "outraged" after his nephew was allegedly punched, pulled and tased at a New Orleans hospital, after a possible suicide attempt. The taser put him into a "massive epileptic seizure." Video below.

The LA Times report on ethical concerns raised by Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas, who is an active tea partyer and conservative campaigner. But it will make no difference to anything. And here's why.

"I almost start a mini press riot today at the Supreme Court, so certain am I that Justice Clarence Thomas is about to ask a question for the first time in nearly four years. In a case about indefinite detention for sex offenders, he summons someone to bring forth a law book; he puts on his glasses and reads carefully from the book, then leans forward toward the microphone. To his left, Justice Stephen Breyer looks at him expectantly. I nudge my colleagues on either side and hiss, 'He's gonna do it, he's gonna do it.' We all start craning and gaping. And then Thomas, who hasn't asked a question at oral argument since Feb. 22, 2006, takes off his glasses, tips his head back up against his headrest, and closes his eyes." –Dahlia Lithwick

Selma Blair turns 37 today. Frances McDormand is turning 52. Famed conductor (and Met artistic director) James Levine is 66. Real estate tycoon Jerry Speyer turns 69. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 61. Dermatologist Nicholas Perricone is also turning 61 today. Jason Mraz is 32. American Idol's Randy Jackson is turning 53. Musician KT Tunstall is 34. The singer Duffy is turning 25. Writer/director Joss Whedon turns 45. Retired soccer star Zinedine Zidane is 37. And Vint Serf, the computer scientist you have to credit for the Internet, turns 66 today.