We invite you to gaze upon these dozen classic advertisements for jobs that long ago disappeared, mostly. (Not included: Journalist). Pine for the days of abundant taxidermy and banjo careers!

"AFRICAN BOY. Can be used as ash tray, cigarette tray, candy or nut dish. 5' high in black wrought iron. Round wooden head with beady eyes. If not available at your dealer send $2.00 to:" America. [Copyranter. Click to enlarge.]

Kids, if you think it's "cool" to grow out your hair: consider the consequences. Click to enlarge. [Copyranter]

In the olden days, the preferred way to sell chocolate milk powder was with pictures of futuristic scientists shining heat lamps onto the bottoms of naked young boys. Afterwards, families retreated to 7-Eleven parking lots to bask in nature's glow.

This item just needs one committed entrepreneur like Joe Francis to resurrect it. [Copyranter. Click to enlarge]

Robe scientists have discovered the earliest known Snuggie/ Slanket ancestor: "The Bundler." Which is apparently just footie pajamas held on with rubber bands? "Deliciously sexy on her, smoothly good-looking on him." No it's not. [Flickr via Copyranter. Click to enlarge.]

We encourage anyone struggling with the definition of "Funky" to click to enlarge this vintage ad. HINT: Rhinestones, Tulip™ slick paints, and sparkling jackets all play a prominent role in The Funk. [Vintage Ads via Copyranter]

Iver Johnson Revolvers "are not toys: they shoot straight and kill." Nevertheless, they're "absolutely safe," and "Papa says they won't hurt us." In 1913, as now, gun owners were mainly schizophrenics. [Copyranter]

Here is the most powerful man in France, Nicolas Sarkozy, starring in a detergent ad circa 1967. Your fears are true, kids: Embarrassing things you do now will come back to embarrass you again decades later. [Telegraph via Adfreak]

I believe this is a 1929 ad for ExtenZe. [Copyranter. Click to enlarge.]

Whoa: It's an old Sanka ad from the 1940s that's totally racist against Mexicans. How racist? You'll just have to click to enlarge and read the whole racist thing. People like you like this stuff. We hear. [Copyranter]

In five years, will you be a wheezing, blackened mess? Or—conversely—will you have five more years of tobacco byproducts in your lungs? Well. You have to admire their "Lie big or lie dead" attitude. Click to enlarge. [Copyranter]

"The Journal is a wonderful aid to men," this ad says, in real life. [Copyranter at Animal NY]

"During 1946, exhaustive scientific tests have shown that, when properly used, DDT kills a host of destructive insect pests, and is a benefactor of all humanity." And cancer. Copyranter found a particularly good one today. Click through for full version.

Disappointingly for sex-on-Youtube purists, the fake banned Sprite blow job ad that shook the world to its very (sexy) core yesterday is not the first time that exploding carbonation has been used as a male orgasm metaphor.

"Coca-Cola is a delightful palatable and healthful BEVERAGE. It relieves fatigue and is indispensable for (Business and Professional) MEN: Students, Wheelmen, Athletes. It relieves mental and physical exhaustion." And for the ladies?

"Good things are twice as good in cellophane." You know, this would be just as powerful if it were an ad for microwaves. Yes, it's real! Click to enlarge. [Copyranter]

Here's what Grape Nuts is, really: wheat, barley, yeast, water. Here's what Grape Nuts is not: everything they told you it was.

Classic appliance ads from the halcyon days when women were in the kitchen, dad was drunk in the den, and kids were really fucking creepy-looking: is there anything better?