If you're in the TriState area and would like to boat-rave with an Internet troll who's gotten a woman to brush her teeth with poop, tonight's your big chance. Rated R for "ratchet."

This is the story of star-crossed lovers. This is the story of a newspaperman's last days. This is the story of A COUPLE OF BOOBS.

Have you heard the one about the disgruntled cuckold who discovered his editor wife was cheating with a literary-agency heir and forwarded their sexts to the scion's powerful father, agency partners, and a few other innocent bystanders? Oh no? Let the New York Post tell you.

What were you doing on Thursday, November 8 at 2:29pm? Checking Facebook? Answering e-mails? Some awesome dude in Maryland was busy farting.

Today we heard about a sugar daddy meat market event that was described as, among other things, "classy." Hm. There's that word again. What is is with that word? One commenter explains.

In lieu of drafting a letter to the editor or posting a comment, Donald Trump has responded to a Vanity Fair blog post by printing it out, writing insults on it, and mailing it to editor Graydon Carter with an embossed calling card. He's the closest thing America has to royalty.

On last night's Real World, Adam's drunk behavior continued to spiral out of control. Watch the situation turn violent after one roommate tells him to "eat a dick." Keep it classy, gentlemen!

Last night on Bridalplasty, two competitors plotted to take down another bride-to-be with the help of a code devised of complicated pantomime. Then they laughed in the other bride-to-be's face about it. This is what getting married is all about.

The Spin Crowd took a trip to the Hamptons to rub elbows with the relevant elite like Kelly Rowland. Watch the class truly shine as the girls skinny-dip and leave a sad weave in their wake.

Tomorrow's episode of Maury features Real Housewives NeNe Leakes, Ramona Singer and Danielle Staub making over real-life housewives. Maury promoted this clip showing Danielle and Lori Michaels doing an acoustic MTV Unplugged style version of their single "Real Close."

Following in Lindsay and Dina's footsteps, Kristin partied with her mom last weekend. Unfortunately, the two decided to drive themselves home, resulting in a DUI for the mom. Inside, TMZ describes Kristin's bizarre behavior after they were pulled over.

Last night Elizabeth and Kovacks went off to the Fantasy Suite for some quality time, but even after some "awesome" pillow talk Elizabeth still wasn't feeling the romance. Maybe she's expecting too much, maybe their signals are crossed. You decide.

Hey guys, we did it! The ratings for Jersey Shore's second episode went up 50% to 2.1 million. That's on par with this season's The Hills premiere. When do we get our season two renewal? Pretty, pretty please!

"Hearst Corporation... continues to host parties even as it folds magazines like CosmoGirl... It seems excessive." [Page Six]

Julia Allison, the provocative but usually dignified sex journalist, really needs to think twice about inviting former Harvard "Duchess" Erica Birmingham to her 27th birthday party, and not just because the photo of Birmingham drinking Bud Lite in a tank top that surfaced earlier today. A classmate of Birmingham, who once shared a villa with her in Mexico, wrote in about her notoriety on campus, including "awesome or terrifying" parties involving midgets and dirty parrots. Her email — UPDATE: plus Birmingham's response and another email — after the jump.

Scarlett Johansson got everyone's attention posing with Natalie Portman on the cover of this month's W, where they both looked hot but also like replicants from the same assembly line. Now of course Johansson is wisely making news in the other direction, by busting out and showing off how very different she is from Portman. She's been helped along by the intrepid Brit tabloid the Sun, which just ran a story that starts with the title "Scarlett Shows Off Johanssons" and then just gets classier. It comes from a screening in Berlin the two actresses attended together. Here's how the Sun captioned the photos:

Some free PR tips for Britney Spears manager and tormenter Sam Lutfi: If your new publicist has a logo that looks like he stole it from "The Colbert Report," he is not legit. If your new publicist has an aol.com email address for professional use, he is not legit. If your new publicist bills his one-man shop as a "Worldwide Public Relations Company," he is not legit. And, especially, if your new publicist advertises himself as an "actor, model, and entrepreneur (C'est Cheesecake TM)," he is not legit. Then again, Sam Lutfi's not very legit either. They'll make great media together. After the jump, his new PR professional Michael Sands expounds on the circumstances of his hiring, and compares Britney's crazy medication troubles with those of his ex-wife. Pure class.

After literally decades of insisting to Forbes and everyone else that he's worth about 10 times more than his confidantes estimate, real estate loudmouth Donald Trump is finally being made to sweat for his hot air, because he's just been sued in federal court for about a billion more than even Forbes thinks he's worth. Of course the case is ridiculous, since the plaintiff doesn't have a prayer of getting $4 billion just because Trump tried to block use of his name to lease condos in a Vegas Trump Tower. But equally ridiculous is watching Trump fight to defend the oh-so-sterling reputation of his brand after all the bankruptcies and pointless and nasty media feuds he's dragged it through.