There on CNN last night, with Bill Bennett and David Gergen and other ghosts of administrations yore, was Paul Begala, commenting on the race, explaining that only rich people and the media like Barack Obama, while poor people all vote for Hillary. (He probably meant to specify poor white people but that's not the point.) He was identified, as always, as a "Democratic strategist." Not "former Clinton aide who's unofficially advising Hillary." So the on-air ban until there's actually a Dem nominee only applied to Carville? [Earlier]

We are sooo excited to watch the returns come in tonight on CNN'S MAGIC WALL. The "Magic Wall" is the highly technical term for the touchscreen iPhone thing CNN makes its anchors use to report primary results. As seen in the Slate video attached below, you can expect some fun times. It's just like Minority Report! Or like watching your server enter your order at the Cheesecake Factory! [WP via TVNewser]

The most enlightening part of last night's Clinton-Obama debate (besides Senator Clinton's awkward dissembling on her war vote suddenly becoming a positive for her after Wolf Blizter's hamhanded followup led to a chorus of boos) happened shortly after it ended, when CNN cut back to Anderson Cooper in... well, we're assuming it was the Situation Room. He asked his panel of pundits for their reactions to what they'd scarcely had time to digest. Gambling-addicted former Drug Czar Bill Bennett began with a lame joke about hippies, then praised Obama's performance. He got halfway through the word "articulate" before catching himself. "Artic—well-spoken" (or something along those slightly less offensive lines) he said, remembering the fate of poor Joe Biden. Which raises the question: can stuffy old white people find ways of complimenting Barack Obama that don't sound condescending and borderline racist? Answer: not really! But not for lack of trying!

Slate's Jack Shafer notices a disturbing trend that has more or less saved the ass of every single Gawker editor ever on slow news days: wacky headlines at CNN.com. The tabloidization of CNN.com has Shafer, well, mildly concerned. All the stories are about babies being mauled by tigers and sex offenders setting kindergarteners on fire! "Nuns-and-nude ad upsets Catholics!" Ladies in peril! "CNN.com's, MSNBC.com's, and Foxnews.com's celebration of and reliance on stories like today's "Human Tongue Accidentally Served Up in Hospital," which are explicitly designed to momentarily rouse and titillate the Web audience, says worlds about how the site thinks of us. Life is a freak show, the Web sites instruct, and we viewers just another bunch of freaks." So true, Jack. Life is a freakshow, and CNN just wants to hand you a free ticket. To illustrate: after the jump, Gawker's vast and rich archive of embarrassing CNN.com screengrabs, available in one place for the very first time. Watch it now!Click to view

In the attached clip, CNN shouting head Glenn Beck creeps out charming GOP strategist Amy Holmes (seriously, we love her!) while ostensibly discussing Ted Kennedy's endorsement of change-monger Barack Obama. His opening question: "You ever just pictured Ted Kennedy naked?" Sometimes, Beck explains, "that picture with him with his shirt off just kind of pops into your head." Sure, Glenn. Percocet withdrawal can be rough. [MediaMatters]

Remember that guy you hate, Rick "Domain King" Schwartz? He sold iReport.com to CNN for $750,000 earlier this month. Well, the feeling's not mutual. He doesn't hate you. He just wonders why he's only one living the way he does. Schwartz told Sydney Morning Herald he's shocked more people don't get into the business of trading domain names. Because really, it's a fabulous life. Just ask the King himself.

CNN has apparently banned some of its most recognizable analysts from its campaign coverage. James Carville and Paul Begala—CNN's top Democratic analysts, both of whom achieved political fame in Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign, and both of whom support Hillary—were suspended from commenting on the presidential race sometime in December. And no one noticed!

Semi-network CNN Headline News actually won the Tuesday night 6 p.m. cable ratings war with its "Nothing At All But Heath Ledger" programming strategy. Number two Fox News, which included only a woefully insufficient dash of Ledger, trailed by more than 25%. Headline News staffers also found it 75% harder than usual to wash the filth off upon returning home from work and showering for two hours. (Except, notably, the crew at Nancy Grace.) [TVNewser]

Orange-headed TV scumbag Lou Dobbs will not run for President. Because the Harvard-educated man of the people doesn't really want to spend too much time with those people. "I'm too impatient with the blathering fools who make up the crowd that attends the political process," he tells TVNewser. Also personally offensive to the only guy looking out for the working man: "standing there at chicken dinners, talking about all the things that really don't matter." Let Lou Dobbs eat his chicken dinner in peace, people! The man is hungry. Hungry for change! (And chicken.) [TVNewser]

A Gawker Stalker spots the closeted CNN anchor in a quintessentially gay location in New York's Chelsea. "Mon. 1/21 6:15 pm AC in the Vitamin Shoppe @ 8th & 23rd. Must he ALWAYS wear the same outfit?! Sheesh. He's in the neighborhood often (David Barton Gym?) and in the same old jeans, blue polo, jacket, baseball cap every time. Sorry I didn't notice what he was buying on my way out. Any guesses?"

CNN introduced their own YouTube/America's Funniest Home Videos user-generated content bonanza "iReport" last year to vague acclaim, prominent website placement, and a Sunday afternoon televised roundup. Now they've finally caved and bought the domain names "ireport.com" and "i-report.com" from a squatter who picked them up for $100 in 1997 and unloaded them to CNN for $750,000. All so that the nation may more easily find photos of puppies that look like baby polar bears. [Silicon Alley Insider]

Rick Schwartz just sold CNN the domain iReport.com for $750,000. Schwartz bought the domain in 1997 for "$70 to $100," he told Silicon Alley Insider. CNN likely bought the domain for its I-Report program. You know, the one where You The Viewer get to do all the work. A concept which jibes just so nicely with Schwartz's latest post on his personal blog.

Glenn Beck's recent tragic ordeal—he was treated like a commoner at a hospital rich people go to!—was a stunning wake-up call for the entire nation. Beck, despite hurting a whole lot, was made to wait in the emergency room for 40 minutes. He even cried! "The video," CNN insists, "brings to mind the case of Edith Rodriguez. Last year, she was on the floor of a Los Angeles hospital emergency room vomiting blood, and witnesses say no one did anything to help her. Her boyfriend actually called 911, which refused to help since she was already in a hospital. Rodriguez died in the emergency room." Ye gods, Beck could've died in that emergency room. Died of hemorrhoids, right there on the floor. [CNN]

Local girl Friday makes the big-time! NY1 political reporter and NYU grad Sandra Endo, who if we do say so ourselves, is completely adorable, has just been hired by CNN as a national correspondent. Endo just capped a decade at the local news-loop-that-could, covering our representatives' legislative (and personal) affairs. We like her for saying this to Columbia Journalism Review when asked about concierge services offered to the press during the 2004 Republican National Convention: "While it's thoughtful and ingenious for the host committee to be so considerate, I laughed at the thought of me being able to get my nails done in the middle of the convention. I think I would be fired first if I had that much down time!" Attaway. Press release, with all the usual congratulatory buzzphrases, after the jump.

Lou Dobbs took over two hours of prime CNN time last night (while they were supposed to be reporting the results from the Michigan primaries, no less!) to plug his book about how only he has the answer to what ails America. What ails America, by the way, is Mexicans taking our jobs here and Chinese people taking our jobs elsewhere (then sending us back POISON TOYS). The entire spectacle exposed the uneasy position Dobbs has at The Most Trusted Name in News. The first hour, as usual, was given over, mostly, to "real" news about politics and Michigan. The second was mostly free-wheeling opinionated shouty interviews with a panel made up of Bill Bennett some folks Dobbs ignored entirely. As other networks broadcast early returns from Michigan, Dobbs appeared aggravated when he had to jump to Wolf Blitzer with actual "news" on the close Romney/McCain race. Wolf looked uncomfortable when his fellow Election Night coverage marquee anchor star referred to the Democratic Party's "screwing over" of the voters of Michigan. "That's one way to look at it," Wolf charitably mumbled through his beard.

Glenn Beck, noted health care reform advocate, was just on CNN chatting with Wolf Blitzer about how to fix American Medicine. Beck—who became an advocate for reform after he had a shitty hospital visit where they pumped him full of an unbelievably awesome-sounding cocktail of expensive drugs—says the candidates who'll best fix the whole mess are Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. Because they'll "privatize" it. Is he still on the Percocet? The on-screen segment chyron: "WHY HEALTH CARE MATTERS." Hint: IT'S NOT LUPUS. [Previously]

Everywhere we turn we see another network news anchorwoman sporting the exact same long-layered take on the post-Rachel Green do. Does Fox News have only the one style consultant? If you looked at the cable network's anchors (from l-r) Lis Wiehl, Dagen McDowell and Cheryl Casone, you might think so. Alycia Lane may not have abided by the CBS code of conduct, but she certainly toed the coiffure line. CNN Headline News anchor Linda Stouffer and colleague Carol Costello flaunt the style, along with CBS News' Hannah Storm and MSNBC's Contessa Brewer. Longer hair can make you look younger (what woman in TV news couldn't get behind that concept) and both focus groups and the men in them tend to appreciate lengthy locks (Case-in-point: Felicity's post-shearage ratings nosedive. What? You know you watched it once.) Still, when we flip on the tube, it's getting harder and harder to shake the feeling that we're catching the tail end of a Central Perk coffee klatch.

PT: "Sat in first class with AC360 on the 445 from ATL to LGA. Tight jeans, super-tight polo, ballcap pulled low, and a steely-eyed, sucked-in cheek expression. Totally gay in that military way where the straight army guys were posing for that homo website I saw on the news."

Last week, Dorothy Thompson's 1941 essay "Who Goes Nazi?" was made available to non-subscribers at Harpers.org. The hook: "It is an interesting and somewhat macabre parlor game to play at a large gathering of one's acquaintances: to speculate who in a showdown would go Nazi. By now, I think I know." We haven't "gone through the experience many times," as Dorothy had, but a couple media figures are so obviously jonesing for a bit of totalitarianism that anyone can see they'd fit in just swell at an old fashioned putsch. Like lovable old CNN anchor Lou Dobbs.

This is either the strangest regional accent I've heard on cable news, or one of the best TV bloopers of the campaign. A CNN commentator, interviewed by Anderson Cooper, intended to predict that the nomination would be "hard-fought". It came out "a hard-fart nomination." The clip, after the jump. Wait till 00:31 into the video.