You know that song "I'm Every Woman?" We were mulling this over in the shower, and we were thinking that Britney Spears is, in her retarded way, Every Celebrity. During the course of her career, she's actually tried to nail every single dumb famous-person archetype of the 21st century: the virgin-whore ingenue, the Reesey young wife and mom, and now the LA club-scene vagina-flashing coke slut. So when we're presented with a handful of blind (or, since they're Post-y, mildly astigmatic) items, it's less a matter of figuring out which one is Britney and more a matter of trying to think of a reason that they wouldn't all be about Britney. To wit: