Everyone is basically in agreement that the advertising market next year is going to suck—even your precious internet ads! So I guess it's appropriate that Microsoft's $300 million ad campaign, which started out with such an ineffective burst of star power, has now been reduced to using videos submitted by you, the idiot consumers. This is all part of a grand strategy by a brilliant ad agency and not at all a harbinger of Microsoft getting its ass handed to it on a national stage, okay?

Oooh, ad war escalation! You remember how Microsoft got so mad about Apple's ads that they had to run out and spend $300 million on a fancy ad campaign consisting of Mac lovers declaring their love for PCs, as well as celebrities doing things seemingly unrelated to computers. Meanwhile Apple has just been sitting back chuckling, and now they've released a new ad making fun of Microsoft's ad spending. Which is too insidery, but very entertaining to people forced to write about ad campaigns. Apple's only problem: the people who buy PCs, such as myself, don't even know what this "Vista" thing is. (If we knew about computer things we would have bought a better one!). I imagine that Microsoft grows ever more apoplectic, though. Full ad below:

Attention nerds: retailers are extremely interested in your imaginary nerd money. And they're coming into your nerd land to woo you! Specifically by purchasing all types of "dynamic in-game ads" in the new version of The Sims—a computer game featuring attractively rendered digital versions of nerds performing mundane tasks such as washing dishes and going to the grocery store, which are "fun" only in comparison to the sad isolation and anomie of the modern nerd's real life. Not only can you buy virtual Ikea furniture and H&M clothes in a pallid simulacrum of the American dream; now, you can play in a world free of the unrelenting pain of your everyday existence:

Microsoft is dropping Jerry Seinfeld's nonsensical ass from its massive ad campaign, which they say was, you know, always the plan! The company is actually dubbing the new ads in its $300 million campaign, debuting tonight, "phase two." (Couldn't think of anything slightly less evocative of the Death Star?) The company line is that the "Seinfeld and Bill Gates do the robot" ads were just teasers, and now the real informative spots start. But fuck that; the new ads sound easily just as weird: The "theme" of the new spots is the standard, vapid "Windows. Life without walls." Whatev. And Microsoft has decided to fight back against all those vicious Mac ads by co-opting the phrase "I'm a PC." In the new ads, you will see: a John Hodgman doppelganger, and "everyday PC users, from scientists and fashion designers to shark hunters and teachers." And, of course, more random celebrities!!

"Google may take its battle for global domination to the high seas with the launch of its own 'computer navy'," reads the day's most terrifying first sentence of a news story. Christ Jesus in holy Heaven, a computer navy? Is this the part when mankind finally goes up against the massive computer armies run amok? Don't worry: you have nothing to fear except a massive flotilla of untouchable Google supercomputers not accountable to any nation on earth: Google has filed a patent application for "water based data centres," which would be huge ships full of supercomputers floating seven miles offshore, using the motion of the ocean to power and cool themselves, nefariously:

Boy, $300 million sure buys a lot of storytelling. Microsoft has released two more 90-second ads starring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates, the Laurel and Hardy of... Microsoft ads. More than the first, totally mystifying "shoe store" ad, these new spots flesh out the plan: Bill Gates as lovable icon. He's like Joe Isuzu with a bad haircut! He does the robot! We're still skeptical, but it's progress. You can watch the two official ads here, but we like this version even more: all the footage of the two ads (and some extra that was edited out) in one four-and-a-half-minute long unfolding storyline. Trippy:

Less than two weeks after Microsoft confirmed that it had picked the Mac-loving Jerry Seinfeld as its new endorser, this ad with Seinfeld and Bill Gates is everywhere. And it is awful. I mean, it's kind of engaging to see this half-billionaire comedian kicking it in a shoe store with the many-billionaire Microsoft nerd-in-chief; but up until the final seconds, I was convinced this was an ad for Payless. And I may be stupid, but I'm still your target audience, Microsoft. Surely Sarah Silverman and Willie Nelson will be a bit more techno-centric. Watch what $10 million can buy, after the jump:

Universal is burning. Visit Universal! Though the fire was at the studio and the ad is probably for the amusement park, this mixed messaging is why computers will never beat humans when it comes to proven advertising placement that gets results. Monetary results. Results that don't involve any of your customers getting burned in fires. The so-called "geniuses" of the internet have yet to master that one, I guess! David Ogilvy, a human, would have caught this error using nothing more than a pencil, a pad of paper, and a big idea. Click to enlarge. [Gregg Scott via Mark Lisanti]

This morning we posted the "Nefarious O Value" theory of the mystery Facebook Stalker feature. Now, a second tech-savvy tipster writes in with step-by-step instructions for how to find Facebook's unexplained "O" ranking for every single one of your friends on the site. In other words—from what we can gather, at least—there's a file on your computer that tells you exactly how the site's algorithms rank each and every person in your social circle. The instructions are after the jump. Please write in and let us know what your results are. The code may soon be cracked!

Yesterday we posted five theories about the mysterious Facebook Stalker feature—the one some people think is an undercover way to identify those ex-lovers who are still pining for you, although that is totally unconfirmed and probably false. But we have to admit, none of those theories involved any weird computer language or technical terms. But an astute reader has sent us a theory that, based on the fact that I can't really understand its technical talk, sounds very insightful. We'll call it the "Nefarious O Value" theory. The full email is after the jump.

Google is working with QVC on a REVOLUTIONARY advanced type of bar code that can be scanned with a mobile phone. Revolutionary in the sense of "Everything old is new again." These "QR codes" do face some obstacles, the most significant being the fact that less than 5% of people currently own phones compatible with the technology. A previous attempt at a similar product called CueCat was a big failure [Ad Age]. But Google, the company that's determined to scan all the world's books, is not giving up in its retro attachment to print-based technologies, even in the bar code sphere. Besides, these scannable QR codes have already proven their worth in trial campaigns by making the Case Western University campus "look like downtown Tokyo" and benefiting "the end user," say jargon-spouting engineers!

A counterpoint for all you Apple-haters out there: a new study by researchers at Duke University found that "even the briefest exposure to the Apple logo may make you behave more creatively." How did they measure that? By having the subjects list "all of the uses for a brick that they could imagine beyond building a wall." That's science for you! If only gazing at the Apple logo could help me think of a good joke for this post. The actual scientific findings:

Karl Rove loves his iPhone. He uses it all the time! (The entire Bush administration has good reason to love the little gizmo.) The roly-poly Machiavelli also recently admitted to owning a damn MacBook Air, the laptop whose sole selling point is its ability to fit in an envelope. Drug-addled radio tyrant Rush Limbaugh had to ask Apple to help fix his own new Mac. Your favorite propagandists love the sleek design and friendly usability of Apple products. Crypto-fascists—they're just like us! Which brings us to this plea: can we please, please end the tiresome trope of Apple having any sort of hip sensibility?

Whatever happened to all-American college pastimes like smoking weed and robbing the pizza delivery guy? Kids in fancy schools these days apparently spend all their time engaged in a "team-based locally social online sport." No, not organizing group sex encounters on Craigslist; playing GoCrossCampus, a popular nerd-based internet game similar to Risk. And it's not just confined to Stanford, as we had hoped; it's everywhere!