During the campaign, the polite and respectable liberal media steered clear of all the "Obama is a secret Muslim!1!!" stuff. Now he's given his first TV interview as president to Al Arabiya. Who loses?

Hero co-pilot of the Hudson Jeff Skiles, who was right there in the cockpit when Primary Hero Chesley Sullenberger landed that plane in the river, is finally breaking his silence! He's in the tank.

We'd like to take just a moment to officially append our 20 Fun Facts About Rahm Emanuel, Ari's power-broker brother who's expected to bring a little profane, alpha-male flair to the White House as Barack Obama's chief of staff. We'll call this Fun Fact #21: Was impersonated by Andy Samberg on Saturday Night Live in a skit eventually spiked by the show's producers, perhaps fearing it could overshadow any one of host Tim McGraw's own, more solemn stabs at comedy. OR for one of a couple of other reasons after the jump — where you'll find the clip as well.Or maybe by the network, fearing the overindulgence of cursing, bleeped or not. Or maybe even by Samberg himself, fearing some Emanuelian turnabout for casting the Illinois representative as the boorish lout who would "strip [Joe Lieberman] naked and make yhttp://publish.gawkerarchives.com/ged/newou walk your McCain-loving-ass back to Connecticut, you fucking turncoat." We'll likely never really know why the sketch was killed, but we favor the latter scenario, just for the potential for Emanuel to threaten to "crack that big fucking nose of his" while teasing an SNL guest appearance in the weeks ahead.

Miley Cyrus hackers continue to represent one of the fastest-growing segments of the American tech sector, returning to haunt the Disney superstar once again over the weekend. This time around, however, the ambitious intruder bypassed Miley's generically scandalous shirt-chomping escapades in favor of spreading the much more dire gossip that she was dead. Spoiler alert: She's not! But that doesn't mean she won't seek vengeance anyway.E! saw through the stunt, blowing a golden opportunity to welcome Miley's ghost to last night's Daily 10. Instead, host Michael Yo gave the whole game away from the start, prompting a gaping incredulity that Miley's BFF Mandy soon mitigated with her urgent MySpace update: "MILEY IS OK!! Some1 hacked our youtube account." Miley is naturally shocked, and the search is on to track down the culprit, despite investigators' lengthening list of suspects with both opportunity and motive. We'd look closely at Disney ourselves; Bolt can't rocket to number one this weekend on John Travolta's goateed charm alone.

So it turns out "crazy" old Dan Rather has turned up some actual, you know, evidence for his theory of a vast right-wing conspiracy to take him down at CBS News four years ago: CBS memos show the guy who led the "investigation" into Rather's 60 Minutes story on the president's Air National Guard service was appointed after getting "high marks from the G.O.P." Another Republican was rejected after being deemed not sufficiently right-wing by a CBS lobbyist and executives. Craven CBS News suits even considered having Rather's work reviewed by Ann Coulter and various other terrible right-wing demagogues:

Nikki Finke says that MTV is planning a massive round of layoffs. And they've decided to do it on Tuesday so that the news is totally overshadowed by Election Day. True? We don't know. But it isn't a bad idea. All those hipstery PAs won't know whether to mourn the loss of their jobs or celebrate the election of Barack Obama, and we're guessing the two will cancel one another out. That Judy is a clever one, isn't she? [Deadline Hollywood]

Hey we've reached the insane "Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster and she's a lesbian" stage of wild far-right delusion. You heard that Barack Obama had an affair and crazy Michelle Obama shipped the mistress to an island somewhere, right? Hey, did you know Obama's real father was a communist? It's true, because some blogs found some photos of a naked lady that they are pretty sure is Ann Dunham, Barack Obama's mother, and they used brilliant CSI-style photo analysis to determine that the photos were taken by Communist "Frank," Obama's mentor. This is all proof that Obama is a secret commie.

Despite their obvious evil, the monkeys have a shadow army, a veritable fifth column of monkey apologist humans secretly working to secure their overthrow of mankind. Some of them even live with the hairy hellions! When the law caught up with California human David Grigorian—who was sharing his Van Nuys home with a marmoset known only as Cheeta—he was ordered to hand the monkey over to Game and Wildlife officials, since he didn't have a permit for the animal. Instead, the monkey sympathizer showed up in court this week with a photo of Cheeta posing with a Mexian newspaper to convince a judge that the vine-climbing menace had fled south of the border. Eventually, Grigorian admitted he and Cheeta were still living in sin and turned in his partner. But it's all too easy to blame the human when a simian gets into mischief. After all, the guy was probably just a patsy.

Are you one of those crazy nuts who thinks there's no difference between the parties? Who thinks maybe that a small, elite ruling class just rearranges the nameplates every couple years to keep the rubes happy? Who suspects perhaps that the English Royal Family, along with the Illuminati, run a massive conspiracy to keep American political power in the hands of a secretive class of lizard aliens? Well then you certainly won't be dissuaded from your beliefs by the annual Al Smith dinner, an annual white tie affair at which the supposedly bitter rivals for the presidency swap funny funny jokes at each others' expense. DC has like three of these things every year too. Because partisanship is just a distraction to keep you from learning the truth! The truth that is exposed every year only by the cameras of C-SPAN! Oh, John McCain killed it. He was really funny! His speech is attached. Barack Obama's speech was actually pretty great too, his is after the jump.

During the debate last night, Senator McCain repeatedly talked directly to some magical blue collar hero named Joe the Plumber. If this "Joe the Plumber" bullshit had any resonance (beyond with pundits who assume viewers and voters are so much dumber than them) it was probably tossed out the window once McCain said "hey Joe, you're rich. Congratulations." He said like at least twice, didn't he? (McCain always repeats his practiced zingers, which is a terrible habit.) Of course only in Matt Drudge's wet dreams did Joe the Plumber resonate with Ohio swing voters to begin with. He's a plumber, sure, respectable blue collar work. But honestly, right now, in this climate, how many voters exactly personally relate to a guy who's planning on buying a business? Oh no, Senator Obama might stop Pete the Locksmith from flipping his house and buying that Land Rover! And that was before it was revealed that Joe the Plumber might be a Republican plant! This Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher already talks like a GOP pundit (he's got the accidental casual racism down!), and his aw shucks willingness to repeat ancient class war talking points to every camera in sight is actually a bit suspicious for a random voter, but the most important thing about Joe Wurzelbacher is his last name: it's the same as the last name of Charles Keating's son-in-law! Keating's son-in-law, Robert Wurzelbacher, served a 40-month prison sentence in 1993 in connection with Keating's Lincoln Savings and Loan collapse. Since then, who knows what he's been up to, but there is a Robert Wurzelbacher who lives just outside of Cincinnati, owns a wood company, and donates to Republicans. Meanwhile there is a Joseph Wurzelbacher who owns a painting company in Cincinnati! Along with a septic tank repair company! These dots were all connected by a DailyKos diarist, who has no proof that Joe and Robert Wurzelbacher are related, but, you know, it's suspicious. The Wurzelbvacher connection was also made, amusingly, by this right-wing satirical blogger. But regardless of whether Joe the Plumber is a Republican plant or not, one thing is for certain: he's not actually voting for McCain. Because the asshole isn't actually registered. Update: Joe the Plumber doesn't pay taxes. At all. He is registered to vote though! But if there's a typo in his registration, which seems possible, his provisional ballot will probably be thrown away. Hah.

Don't be a sucker. Those complicated, long-winded explanations of the worldwide financial crisis are just a lot of big city hokum. Fortunately, your good buddies Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris are here to set the record straight: It's a dark, shadowy conspiracy between the fat cats on Wall Street, the elitists in Washington, and the nefarious Red Chinese who are secretly stealing our oil off the Florida coast! Huffpo's Rachel Sklar learned the awful truth from Huckabee's new talk show on Fox last night. Huckabee's got a "friend" who tells him this whole mess is the result of "financial terrorism": "Just today, a friend of mine in the financial markets indicated that he's been doing a careful analysis of the last 12 days, and there seems to be a manipulation of the marketplace - at the last half-hour of each day, there is an extraordinary rush of computerized trading going on. He believes that there may, in fact, be evidence of economic terrorism that is fueling a lot of what's going on. Now it's a fascinating idea, that if somebody could break down the world economy, it would have a greater impact that any bomb ever set off. It seems to be there is plausible argument for it." But, Norris sagely points out, don't forget the Chinese! "Oh yeah, I think - oh definitely, Mike. The thing is, China has one and a half trillion dollars* of our debt. Now, what did we give China for collateral for that one and a half trillion dollars? So the thing is, you know, with our government - what did - what secret deal did they get, give China, said, 'Well, you know, ah, we won't tell the people but you can drill 50 miles off the Florida shore, and do a slant drilling into our oil in Florida,' you know - so a lot of things are going on underhandedly that we the people don't know, and that's why it's so important, Mike, that we the people get the power back. We need a voter revolution in our country." (audience applause) Also? When Congress took off for the Jewish Holidays, they were really Christmas shopping, and Barack Obama is big on infanticide. Read it here.

Hundreds of absentee voters from Rensselaer County, NY, were sent ballots offering them the exciting opportunity to cast their vote for Democratic candidate "Barack Osama." Election officials are saying it's an honest mistake. Except that the ballots in question were supposed to be proofread by at least six people. So, in other words, election fraud!

Even false rumors can be revealing. It wasn't true that Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama was a secret Muslim, or that his wife hated white people, but the persistence of those claims in email chain letters, online comments and blog posts told you what a chunk of middle America feared, namely scary foreign terrorists in disguise. What to make, then, of the flood of conspiracy theories about Sarah Palin that are flooding the dark corners of the internet? We thought rumors about the Republican vice presidential candidate and her family were going to dry up last week, but since our last comprehensive factsheet they have just kept coming. There's some genuine scandal. But a fake pregnancy? Secret rehab stints? Maybe the Bush and Clinton years left the blue states dreading anyone who seems too country-fried. Or maybe the Palin's really do have this many skeletons in their closet! Trudge through the thickening swamp of Palin mud and decide for yourself, one rumor at a time, after the jump.

We made a joke along these lines and then deleted it in the interests of succinctness but then L found a different parallel: the Palins come from Twin Peaks. They point out that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin looks just like the doomed Maddy Ferguson! Leo Johnson, Levi Johnston. Young Bristol Palin's diary surely contains an entry from some months ago that concludes "nervous about meeting 'J' tonight," right? And then these terrible conspiracies and ominous hints of something dark and seedy just beneath the perfect exterior of Real America. The soapier the story of the Palins gets, the more worried we become for the young woman of Wasilla, Alaska. Stay out of the woods! THE OWLS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM.

• Reporters have been sent to Alaska! "The world arrived here more than a century ago with the gold rush and later the railroad," the New York Times reports from Wasilla. Yet one aspect of American life did not come to town until this week: the national press! William Yardley reports that frontier maverick Sarah Palin introduced culture war "wedge politics" to a sleepy little Northern Exposure town by turning the friendly mayoral race into a Newt Gingrich scorched earth battle for the soul of Wasilla. Then on her way out as mayor she campaigned against her own step-mother! ICE COLD. [NYT]

Sarah Palin! Do you know anything about her? Neither does John McCain! But now we must learn, because we will be hearing a lot of crazy things about her over the next month (unless she drops out). Which of these things are true? Which are false? WHO'S THE FATHER? We will tell you the TRUE things, below, and then we will speculate wildly as to the crazy conspiracy nonsense. It will be fun. It's All True! "Book burner." Not literally. Though as mayor of the tiny, presumably quirky little Alaska town of Wasilla, Palin did inject a bit of old-fashioned culture war politics into the local library. From Time, via Kos: "'She asked the library how she could go about banning books,' he says, because some voters thought they had inappropriate language in them. 'The librarian was aghast.'" Hah. So much for the "sexy librarian" thing, right? She has a crazy preacher! Once again, sort of. Though this one is less likely to be relevant to anything, because it's a crazy right-wing white preacher, and we are quite used to seeing them on TV and not even bothering to be shocked by them anymore. Anyway. Sarah spoke before her old church in Wasilla a couple months ago. She grew up and was baptized there. The senior pastor there since 1999 is, obv, a crazy right-wing evangelical nutcase named Ed Kalnins. He once said Kerry voters will go to hell, and people who criticize the president will go to hell, and Iraq and 9/11 were wars of faith and other fairly doctrinaire beliefs for the modern-day Christian right, their recently scrubbed moderate-ish image notwithstanding. Anyway, crazy pastor! She is a secessionist! So yeah, there's a wacky political party in Alaska that wants to secede from the union. It's called the "Alaskan Independence Party" and Sarah Palin was a member back in the '90s, until she ran for mayor. They hate America! Sarah Palin hates America! Also, awesome logo. Conspiracies! Trig Still Not Hers Sarah Palin's most recent baby, four-month-old Trig, was rumored to actually be Palin's oldest daughter Bristol's baby, back until the campaign announced that Bristol is five months pregnant now. Some people are unconvinced! Read the entirely circumstantial evidence right here. The "real" story still has weird holes. Why was Bristol pulled out of school, is Levi the real father and does he actually intend to go through with this ridiculous wedding? But honestly we're inclined to believe the 44-year-old woman actually did give birth to the baby with Down Syndrome. But still, the timeline is weird. Now, finally, the Enquirer weighs in: they say the Bristol pregnancy was supposed to be announced after the RNC, at which point the shotgun wedding would've been finished. But Bristol rebelled! Or something! Myths She strangled a fucking bear to death once. There is no evidence to support this rumor. (Up top, the alleged cover of this week's Us Weekly.)

Ken Layne over at Wonkette has done some heroic digging into Plum Island, the Department of Homeland Security-run animal horror lab suspiciously close not only to Montauk, where our friend Monty washed ashore, but to a long string of terrifying outbreaks and hybrid animal attacks. We knew from the start of the Montauk Monster mystery that Plum Island was at the center of various conspiracy theories, but when one looks at the entire awful history in one blog post, one must inevitably conclude that, despite its shifty and inconsistent denials, the federal government is assembling there a fearsome monster army that, if left unchecked, will someday slaughter us while we sleep.

Scientist Bruce Ivins—who committed suicide last week after learning he would be indicted in connection with the 2001 anthrax letter-attacks that killed five—was mentally disturbed and spent time in group therapy in the weeks leading up to his death. Now, the AP has learned, he was also obsessed with the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority. In fact, this sorority-girl obsession might actually crack part of the case:

Scientist Bruce Ivins-who committed suicide last week after after the Feds told his lawyer he would be charged in connection with the 2001 anthrax mail killings-stood to make a profit off the panic caused by the attacks thanks to vaccine patents he held. "Ivins is listed as a co-inventor on two patents for a genetically engineered anthrax vaccine, federal records show. Separately, Ivins also is listed as a co-inventor on an application to patent an additive for various biodefense vaccines."

Everyone is out to get Bill O'Reilly! First Scott McClellan, the elven former White House press secretary, said on MSNBC last weekend that he and his minions used to feed Bush administration talking points to O'Reilly and other Fox News shouting heads. "It was done frequently, especially on high-profile issues," he told O'Reilly nemesis Keith Olbermann following an appearance on Chris Matthews' Hardball. Then CNN covered the allegations as though they were news! Clearly a conspiracy is afoot. O'Reilly said on his show tonight that McClellan and MSNBC "look to be partners in this enterprise," while CNN picked up "garbage." So O'Reilly can presume MSNBC is in cahoots with McClellan simply because it aired and editorialized on his statements, but MSNBC can't say O'Reilly was in cahoots with McClellan even when McClellan himself says that's what happened. Watch this twisted logic unfold by clicking the video at left.