You're the Prime Minister of Spain. Your rarely seen daughters are tabloid sensations after an embargo on posting photographs of them is broken when pictures of them dressed as badass goths leak everywhere. So: what do you do? Run interference.

I can hear it. I hear it between the lines, man. Obama's talking to The Jews, celebrating their version of Ramadan, when they munch on their eucalyptus-like crack-snacks and plot 2010's media domination. Want to know what he's really saying?

Okay, it's silly. Lady Gaga probably doesn't have a penis. But maybe she does. And now, there are rumblings that Lady Gaga has something incredible in store for tonight's VMAs. Let's go over this one more time. Update! Well...

Big Trouble in West L.A: Ten Andy Warhol paintings depicting athletes were cat burgled from the house of rich L.A. businessman and art collector Richard Weisman. Involved are a housekeeper/nanny, an anonymous $1M reward, and 70s model Cheryl Tiegs. What?

President Barack Obama recorded a celebratory message to Muslims all over for the beginning of Ramadan, the month in which Muslims believe the Koran was revealed to the prophet Mohammad. There are people who will find this terrifyingly worrisome.

The nice thing about Eliot Spitzer's post-politics career? He's still in politics. But because he doesn't have an office to run for all the time, he's basically saying whatever he wants. Like calling the Federal Reserve a "ponzi scheme."

As mentioned earlier: New York Times reporter David Rohde managed to escape his Taliban captors to freedom last night by hopping over a wall. He was imprisoned for seven months. How wasn't this widely reported? Even by us? Simple:

Congress has drafted and frozen the consensus agreement reached this morning on the $700 billion Wall Street bailout. The House is set to vote tomorrow. Now would be the time for supporters to at least briefly indulge the naysayers, especially given the weak recent state of opposition politics in this country. Elven Ohio Democrat Dennis Kucinich has had his brief say on the House floor. And within the media? In 2006 it was a reporter for This American Life playing the contrarian, asking basic questions about then-popular subprime mortgages. "Sometimes, if you want the real answer, you have to ask a dumb question," Times columnist David Carr writes of the reporting in Monday's paper. Today , the person asking the "dumb" question is David Cay Johnston, until recently the Times' aggressive tax reporter. He's wondering whether we're in a crisis at all!

Supporters of giggle-monikered Democratic presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama have been changing their middle names to Hussein on Facebook and other sites for a few weeks now. Now Jordan Golson — yes, he used to work here — claims Facebook lets him change to Hussein instantly, but puts other changes on a 24-hour hold. Jordan smells a liberal bias at Facebook. Conspiracy theorists will note that Facebook cofounder Chris Hughes left the social network to run Obama's Web campaign. My guess: The staff just got tired of reviewing every single Hussein change.

The most compelling thing about Battlestar Galactica's Cylons is that some don't know they are biomechanical creations, not human beings. That makes them the perfect metaphor for sweetly unbearable videoblogger Robert Scoble, says TV by the Numbers. Scoble, a microcelebrity in the Silicon Valley for his hyperactive social networking, subscribes to an inhuman number of Twitter users — 19,684, to be precise. The obvious conclusion: He's gathering data about humanity in preparation for some nefarious scheme beyond our understanding. We have met our overlords, and they are armed with videocameras. (Photomontage by Richard Blakeley)