Here's where we play Goofus & Gallant, European nations edition. Gallant Denmark stood up in favor of the rights of publishers when those stupid, mediocre cartoons about the prophet Muhammed caused worldwide outrage and riots a couple years back. Goofus Netherlands, on the other hand, recently threw a cartoonist in jail for drawing cartoons that might be offensive to Muslims. By all accounts the cartoonist, "Gregorius Nekschot," is offensive to Muslims. That makes his arrest no less phenomenally stupid.

The hip hop magazine XXL has a serious problem: It was founded back in the days when hip hop people actually wore XXL clothes. Now, everybody wears tight pants, and young'uns don't even understand what "XXL" means. So Byron "Bol" Crawford, a blogger for the magazine's website-whom I secretly love (NO HOMO, Bol) because he is perhaps the most offensive asshole on earth-is trying to revive the relevance of XXL's name by encouraging hip hop to "reclaim its manliness." By, uh, smashing all "teh gheyness."

Pixar's new movie, about the robot from Short Circuit falling in love with a mechanized tampon and exploring a universe which has ruined and been ruined by humanity, has some people upset. Specifically, the overweight. You see, in the film, the last gobs of the human race are doughy and lazy folk who drink liquid cupcakes and can't even really walk. And that's not fair! Right? Why is Pixar, usually so loving and tender to all of God's creatures, suddenly lashing out at such a large swath of the population, equating them with the decay of civilization? A tearful former Pixar fan writes a letter to the company:

At one time-1994, specifically-Nas was the king of New York, and the greatest rapper alive. Over successive albums he got somewhat less great. But he did a good job of scoring free publicity for his new album by naming it "Nigger," then, predictably, being forced to change it. You have to like him though-he's the kind of guy who tells the WSJ that he envisions the hip hop nation growing old and "going to Snoop Dogg concerts in the meadow." And he has this sweet Fox News dis track out too. You all (meaning "Briganti & Co.") should have memorized it by now:

Bloomberg News has failed to win an award, and that is obvious proof of fraud! So goes the logic of Bloomberg boss Matthew Winkler, the bow-tied tyrant and enemy of humans. Bloomberg ran an epic investigative piece on the insurance industry that generated both acclaim and a lot of pushback. The industry said the piece was full of errors; an investigation found no errors; the Deadline Club of New York eventually named the story as a finalist for several awards, but it didn't win any. Right that second, Matthew Winkler's bow tie perked up. He knows a setup when he sees it!:

Let's imagine that you are the friendly consumer, and the internet, where you do your shopping, is a series of stores. Then imagine that all the people who want to sell you ads are spies, following you from store to store and noting what you like to look at, so they can advertise that thing to you. Then think about what kind of internet "store" you've been going to. That's right, the porn store! This is the real reason people are mad about online ad targeting. Stop looking at us look at porn just so you can learn to sell us more porn!

The feel-good issue of Italian Vogue featuring all black models in honor of Obama is about to hit the newsstands, washing away the last remnants of racial strife in the world. But some people are asking: why do they have to do the all-black issue during the slowest time of the year for magazines? Why not put it out in the busy season and really make a statement? We hate to even suggest it, but could it have something to do with... money?

Activists in Philadelphia are upset about an ad campaign for Colt 45 malt liquor—specifically, its cartoonish wall murals in poor neighborhoods showing party people living it up while swilling 40s, with the slogan "Works Every Time." One woman tells the AP she wouldn't want her daughter looking at it because "She might think it's cool." Which is a reasonable response from a parent to ads for everything from malt liquor to Bratz dolls. One would think that companies in the vice industries would have learned from Joe Camel that there is nothing to gain but backlash from cartoon-style ads, but apparently not. Colt 45 has an equally objectionable website full of cartoons, which also shows a fundamental disconnect with the rotgut company's own customer base; bird watchers (educated guess, here) are not really a cost-effective target audience :

Samir Shah, who sits on the BBC's board of directors, gave a speech last night that may not go over well, because he referred to the numbers of minorities on TV shows in the UK as a misguided act of "over-compensation." He also bemoaned TV as "a world of deracinated coloured people flickering across our screens - to the irritation of many viewers and the embarrassment of the very people such actions are meant to appease." But if you see scandal-tinged headlines all over the place like the Guardian's "Too many black and Asian faces on TV, says BBC director Samir Shah," just remember that that's only half the story. Shah doesn't just want fewer minorities on the screen; he wants to switch them out with the "metropolitan, largely liberal, white, middle-class, cultural elite" in the broadcasting boardroom. Fair trade? Excerpts from Shah's speech, below:

Heinz has a new commercial out in the UK starring a guy who works at a deli. He's so popular for his delicious mayonnaise, you see, that the man of the house gives him a kiss on the way out the door. But Bill O'Reilly sees this for what it really is: "It was obviously a gay thing!" O'Reilly's insight into the gay issue is almost as piercing as his colleague John Gibson's was when he cracked all those gay jokes about Heath Ledger right after the actor's death. "This whole gender-blending thing, it's confusing to me," says O'Reilly. "I just want mayonnaise. I don't want guys kissing." Sorry; you must have a man's tongue in your mouth before you get any mayonnaise, Bill. Watch the homosexual Heinz ad after the jump.

Proving once again that the US Military makes strategic decisions based on the rantings of the lunatic fringe, our post last week about the Marine Corps' "We teach black people to swim" ad prompted an article about the "controversy" in the Marine Corps Times, and a healthy discussion on the paper's online discussion boards. Sentiment among the ex-military commenters there is currently running 30-0 against the ad having a racial component. "In my life time, I've learned through life experiences, in order for a person(s) to make a comment such as this. That they are racial in one way or another," says one. He's right, you know. (UPDATE: Former gay porn star/ Marine and current conservative blogger Matt Sanchez adds: "Smearing the military is never a big enough issue for the Gawker, it's a reflex. Maybe if they "subtly" stereotyped gay males as promiscuous this issue would have warranted greater indignation.") [MCT. Watch the ad here.]

The fabricated non-scandal of Michelle Obama purportedly calling Caucasian Americans "Whitey" has had at least one benefit: it's opened the door for a discussion of how poor the slurs addressing white people really are. Christ, how is it fair that there are perfectly terrible, accepted slurs for damn near every minority, but not for white people? We're the ones who are actually evil! Writing in The Root, Kim McLarin points out that nobody even says "whitey" any more (if they ever did). But there aren't any good alternatives. Unless you come up with some, for the sake of equality:

Bigger, Stronger, Faster , the just-released documentary that reconsiders the terrible public image of steroids, is winning praise for its frank depiction of the pluses and minuses of 'roids. But all the honesty didn't turn out well for Christian Boeving, a fitness model who lost his endorsement contract with Muscletech when it became clear that he admitted longtime steroid use in an interview in the film. "I didn't think I would get into that much trouble, because I thought it was pretty apparent that the top people in the industry use steroids to look like we do," Boeving said. But he admitted it, so he's out. Yes, the entire muscle industry is made up of hypocrites. You'd have thought that some of Boeving's pictures, like these, might have given his totally innocent sponsors a clue:

Two of the revolutionary hero (to some) Che Guevara's kids said this week that they've had enough of their dad being used as a branding icon for advertisers of all stripes. "The appropriation of the figure of Che that has been used to make enemies from different classes" is "embarrassing," said one of his daughters. That's true. But Che's image today is largely made up of consumer products, that people buy in solidarity with a complicated man whose popular representation is—to say the least—highly simplified. Below, ten of the most important Che items that any dedicated revolutionary should own. Get em before they're outlawed.

It's been a while since The Incredible Hulk lumbered into a completely fabricated media controversy, a drought no doubt prompting the LA Times to report today's scandal that... that... Sweet Jesus, we can't even write it. John Horn, would you please step in?

The anchor of Fox's "Good Day New York" thinks this Rachael Ray/ Dunkin' Donuts controversy (recap: Celebuchef Ray wore a keffiyeh in an ad, right-wingers were outraged, the company pulled the ad) is so stupid. It is! When the story came up this morning, he acknowledged that he can't stand Rachael Ray and doesn't even care what this controversy is about. Cue co-anchor Jodi Applegate leaning over and hissing (audibly): "Dunkin Donuts is one of our sponsors." His backtracking is magical! Please, click to watch this moment of journalistic integrity in action.

Remember that Wired article about the various pluses and minuses of drug use that got the Times' panties all in a bunch about whether it would actually "promote drugs?" It was a stupid controversy over a relatively innocuous drug story. The Wired piece didn't deserve criticism for its content, but it might have been served by some disclosure; the author of it, Mathew Honan, is a reformed cokehead. That fact didn't appear in Wired, but on Honan's own blog:

One night last week I found myself watching the NBC Nightly News—a rare occurrence, because I am not yet old. The lead story was about how American Airlines was going to start charging a $15 fee for each checked bag. Grumbling! Populist outrage! What will these dang companies do next?! It became clear at that early moment that despite the economic necessity of the move, American was going to get absolutely slammed in the court of public opinion. And now the verdict is in: they did!

Yesterday we noted that even though the American media is the grand imperial bloodsucker of our nation's soul, that's okay; at least we don't immediately do bikini shoots on the scene of our latest national disasters. Like the media in China does. In a counterpoint, Animal's Bucky Turco argues that the Chinese government's censorship of the media in the wake of said photos was actually worse than the photos themselves—a couple of which he has posted on his site. Since we have posted only a heartrending photo of homeless young victims, we're better than him. So whatever. [Animal, Previously, Donate to Earthquake Relief]

So, who's the latest shady character being represented by incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian's PR firm? It's Pastor John Hagee, the John McCain-supporting zealot who's currently under fire for saying "in a late 1990s sermon that the Nazis had operated on God's behalf to chase the Jews from Europe and shepherd them to Palestine." Hagee—a strident supporter of Israel, to the point of insanity—argued that Hitler was a "hunter" sent by god to help get the Jews back to the promised land. It's a good thing that he's retained the steady hand of 5WPR to help him through this controversy: