Attached to this post, the party calender for the forthcoming Democratic and Republican national conventions in Denver and St. Paul. As everyone has acknowledged, there is no news at these conventions, at all. They are just excuses for partying. So this, really, is all your average conventioneer journalist needs to know. We'll tell you which ones to attend and which to skip in favor of unorganized drinking, below. Click to view Attend, in Denver: Any and all "VIP" or "Cocktail Receptions." At night: Creative Coalition, GLBT Unity Dance, Distilled Spirits "Spirits of Denver" Party (alt: Maker's Mark party), Kanye. Attend, St. Paul: Distilled Spirits, the Maker's Mark thing. Honestly, unless an hour or two of shitty cocktails at an open bar means that much to you you are then advised to go drink with the locals. Skip: Everything else.

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Despite an absence of any "news," every political magazine and newspaper is rushing to publish special "St. Paul and Denver" editions for the political conventions. CQ, Roll Call, and The Hill are publishing on-site daily! Politico will be there! Local papers are throwing everything they have at the event! National Journal expects big things! Meanwhile, all the high-powered attendees will be getting drunk and occasionally checking the New York Times on their iPhones, and the smart reporters just stay home and make shit up. The real reason for the outpouring of journalistic effort:

The political conventions are pointless pageants designed to get candidates and up-and-coming political stars some prime time television exposure. They're also convenient excuses for trying out new and exciting paramilitary policing and, most importantly, lengthy benders for political operatives, donors, and the rest of the party faithful. Booze will flow, drugs will be procured, local women of the night will be solicited. And—celebrities! Oddly, Hollywood lobbying group Creative Coalition will bring Maggie Gyllenhaal and Neil Patrick Harris to Minnesota for a party at the Republican convention. Though maybe it's not so odd? Being the party of closet kinky bastards (how awesome is it that their convention is in the Twin Cities, right?), they're presumably familiar with Gyllenhaal's rich filmography. And, as we all know, Neil Patrick Harris is the gay who makes the straights feel totally comfortable. Word to the wise: outside of the Distilled Spirits Council party, skip the official bullshit and get wasted at the damn CC Club or something.