Tribune's Chief Innovation (LOL!) Officer and crazy, crazy clown Lee Abrams snuck into Manhattan yesterday to "speak" at a media conference, using his trademark nonsensical version of "words." Luckily Jeff Bercovici was there to chronicle his wisdom, lest it be lost in the huge cloud of purple haze smoke that, we like to imagine, follows Lee Abrams at all times. I wonder if he got a chance to compare the newspaper industry to rock-n-roll?

Jim Cramer has changed his mind! Just last week, you may recall, the shouty CNBC stock picker appeared close to tears as he begged Americans to pull all the cash they'd need for the next five years out of the crippled stock market. Well, whatever, that was last week. Now he says that we've already reached "the beginning of the end of the crisis." That sure was fast! This, of course, is in line with his (physical and intellectual) penchant for wild gesticulation. Let's take a brief look back at Mr. Cramer's unpredictable recent past, shall we?

Andy Martin is the guy who invented the magical story of Barack Obama's secret Muslim upbringing. This story still convinces dumb old people, all the time, when they read it in their emails. Then they ask John McCain about it and he is kind of embarrassed but they still believe it, pretty much. Andy Martin is also an insane racist lunatic who used to run for office a lot. In 1986, he ran for Congress from Connecticut. He sent this amazing letter out to voters. If elected, Martin promised to "exterminate Jew Power in America." Because Jews are "schooled in blood sucking and money grubbing from birth." The letter goes on like that at great length. You can read the whole thing at The Smoking Gun! Oh, and Sean Hannity had this guy on his show to talk about Obama's secret Muslim background. Hannity didn't mention the money-grubbing Jews bit. [TSG]

Vladimir Putin has released a judo-fighting DVD. Naturally! When he's not busy posing shirtless, fucking gymnasts, or flexing his iron fist, the Russian prime minister and former judo champ of Leningrad is practicing his Nage no Kata and Katame no Kata. The Daily Mail says Putin has been a sex symbol for Russian women and men since his topless fishing pics came out last year—although you know Russians are all huge, bear-like creatures with no concept of "abs." Wanna see the scourge of unfavored oligarchs flipping some dude over his head? Video below! Click to view [Sky]

Elitist New York media obsessives keep alerting us to the guy who cheered John McCain tonight at the Republican convention with a sign reading "THE Mavrick [sic]." So here's the money shot, liberals! This image was, of course, captured by the Bolshevik intelligentsia at MSNBC, probably through a camera personally operated by Rachel Maddow, since Keith Olbermann was in New York. Cut this patriot a break, linguistic totalitarians. He's probably a farmer or factory worker who could barely afford that finely tailored suit or the donations necessary to score good convention seats, much less a fancy college education. Besides, John McCain was tortured in Vietnam, so you can shut up and apologize for laughing at this now The End.

The Root's theory on what caused the musical decline of former hip hop goddess Lauryn Hill: an aversion to fame, a cult-like relationship with a succession of religious figures, and a rocky love life. My theory: smoking that crazy crack, it looks like! [The Root]

Ah, the Congressional internship. Stepping-stone to a lifetime of tireless public service, or just entitled whining and constant intoxication paired with exponentially growing cynicism about the entire process. Fun! We just obtained an email from an outgoing summer intern at a Senate office that, in the words of our tipster, is "comparable only with Washington's Farewell Address." It is a "gentle reminder" that today will be this young go-getters last day at the office. It goes on to explain "the nature of democracy" and features the phrase "the noblest self-disclosure." The young intern sent the email to everyone in the damn office, of course. "Dear colleagues and respected staff members," it begins, ominously...

What would President Obama do about Monty, the Lovable Montauk Monster? Based on his divisive and bitter answer to a simple query about Martians and their hunger for our Earth women, it would depend on whether or not Monty's a Democrat. [Wonkette]

Peggy Noonan was the Ronald Reagan's best speechwriter because she basically writes like he thought—with hypnotic banality—and for years she wrote a wacky little opinion column that was read only by Matt Drudge and people who found it hilarious. But this year everything's different! Peggy Noonan's a phenomenon! Jacob Bernstein says she won the Democratic primary! What was her secret? She just did something she's done for years—hate Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton's non-concession speech last night was apparently an insane circus of self-delusion and argument. Also the reporters to supporters ratio had to be totally out of whack, considering how many first-hand accounts are on the web today. So let's pick some anecdotes, shall we? First, from the Washington Post's Dana Milbank, the mystery of the reporter who KILLED CLINTON

We have no idea what this psychotic woman walking down Fifth Avenue is raving about, but we'll give her points for her frothing-at-the-mouth hatred of tourists.

Remember Barack Obama's mysterious Abercrombie posse? The sticker cultists behind the Clintons? Doesn't anyone screen the people who sit behind candidates anymore? Our esteemed videographers put together this collection of all the loonies mugging for the camera and distracting from the candidate. Just one more thing we'll miss about the primary season, until it begins again in 2010. (If this one actually ends. Kentucky and Oregon were last night. Obama won Oregon, as predicted. Clinton scored a ridiculously large victory in tiny Kentucky, as predicted. Clinton didn't drop out, as predicted. John McCain did something quasi-unethical with some lobbyists too, probably.)

Lord knows what kind of disturbing essays dark writers like David Lynch, Chuck Palahniuk, or Bret Easton Ellis might've written in a college class. But that shit will get you kicked out or committed these days—thanks to the Virginia Tech shooter, who not only killed people, but ruined college creative writing for the rest of us by turning in many a disturbing story. Reports the Wall Street Journal, 23-year-old Steven Barber's story, which included murder and suicide, got him locked up in the nuthouse for the weekend and expelled.

Freaky deaky swinger singer R. Kelly is about to go on trial in his hometown of Chicago for the crime of child pornography. But first, they have to find a jury. And that seems to be more difficult that you would think, because, judging strictly by media coverage, Chicago is full of weasels, crazy people, and child porn supporters. After the jump, the five best reasons [from a longer list at the Chicago Tribune] that people have given to get out of serving on the jury in this case of the century:

Oh boy. Christopher Hitchens, known for his calm, restrained and unfailingly polite style of argument (those Brits!) comments on the supposed "temper" of old man John McCain in Slate today. The piece is largely an excuse for Hitch to use every synonym for "crazy" that he knows. It's time, he says, that we "wonder whether the Republican nominee has his tray table in the fully locked and upright position, whether he lives happily or unhappily in his own ZIP code, whether there are kittens in his granary or bats in his belfry, and whether his elevator goes all the way to the top." And so on from there.

Why is Jim Cramer, CNBC's millionaire Mad Money maniac, such a shouty little bag of nuts? "That chip on his shoulder may have been to do with a turbulent early career. He worked as a newspaper reporter in Florida and California before suffering a series of catastrophic mishaps in which his home was burgled and his bank account was emptied. In his autobiography, Cramer recounts being homeless for nine months and sleeping in a car in California with a gun for protection." [The Guardian via MediaBistro]

Viewers of Expelled, the creationist propaganda documentary in the first week of its cinematic release, should not be surprised by the journalistic methods of its producer and narrator, Ben Stein. Expelled's fervently religious maker-better known as a TV host, monotone actor and columnist-goes for shock value with the contention (by a Jew, no less!) that the genocide of the Holocaust had its origins in Darwinism's elevation of the survival of the fittest; but Stein's made outrageous charges before, labeling comedienne Joan Rivers a lesbian and accusing financier Michael Milken of running an "alternative government". Richard Dawkins, defender of Darwin in the movie, said that Stein took quotes out of context or pretended that the interview was for a fair-and-balanced exposition entitled, innocently, Crossroads. Well, duh. Stein has long made up the truth, much as God conjured up Ben Stein as part of some twisted plan for life on Earth. Read on for one of the disturbed journalist's greatest acts of journalistic creation, when he pretended he sat shiva with Rivers when he'd never even met her, and then defended hearsay as a practice sanctified by the Watergate investigators. (By the way, could somebody please explain how Stein still has his column in the New York Times' Sunday Business section?)

The Pope is coming! The Pope is coming! Pope Benedict Ratzinger and His All-Starr Band are on their way to the States for Ratzi's first American tour! It's the Apostolic Journey to the United States '08! Helllllloooo, Baltimore—are you ready to ruminate on the relationship between reason and faith??? Yes, America is thrilled to finally mean Pope Ratzi, the first pope of the Internet Age, according to noted papacy and information technology expert Peggy Noonan, whose column on the visit is a seriously backhanded compliment about how she knew cuddly teddy bear pope John Paul II, and Ratzi, who looks like a breeding experiment between Pat Robertson and a raccoon that somehow became a zombie Sith Lord, is no John Paul II.

The editors at Guanabee.com made the mistake of engaging gay porn star-turned-conservative commentator Matt Sanchez in a dialog about his recent war against gay Gawkerdom and other causes. It only takes one answer from Sanchez to prompt the response "We're not really sure what the hell that meant." He then goes on to lie, babble non-sequiturs, and spout right-wing platitudes that he seems to have selected only for their outrageousness. But we're done being outraged by Matt Sanchez; we feel kind of sorry for him now. He could probably use a good therapist. After the jump, the interview's convoluted highlights.

The old Bellevue mental institution on First Ave between 29th and 30th would make a perfect luxury hotel, the city is trying to convince developers: "There are long corridors, and the rooms aren't very big," said Melissa Konur, vice president of the city's Economic Development Commission, to the Post. The building isn't to be confused with the current Bellevue mental location, at First between 27th and 28th since 1986, as we can personally attest to. (Goodbye, and thanks for all the Xanax!) [NY Post]