Settle down, children! It's time for another fairy tale from that enchanted land of knights and princesses and New Rochelle trust funders, the New York Times real estate section.

Good news if the only thing keeping you from having a baby was the fear that you might not be able to scrape together $99 to buy a crib from IKEA; IKEA Australia is offering a free crib to any baby who is born nine months from today, on November 14, 2013.

Parents: have you purchased your baby a top-of-the-line crib and lovingly accentuated it with "Puffy bumpers, pillows and blankets, low-hanging mobiles and a menagerie of stuffed animals?" You have, haven't you? Because you care about little Aedynn, don't you? Yeah, about death.

First they said that strollers are unsafe. Then they said that baby slings are unsafe. Then they said some brands of cribs were unsafe. Now: all the rest of the cribs are unsafe.

The official residence of the mayor of Denver has a fire pole in the master bedroom, a pink grand piano, and "mini-condominiums for squirrels." Sweetest mayor's house ever, right? So why is Denver selling it?

First, MacLaren strollers ate up your baby's fingers. Then, your naturalistic baby sling smothered your baby. And now, Simplicity and Graco cribs are being recalled, because they will "suffocate or strangle" your baby. Your baby! Your baby! Your baby! [Pic]

After this week's insane acceptance speech doubleheader, reflection on Mariah Carey's history of public zaniness is in order. Throughout her career, Mariah has had several instances of questionable behavior—thankfully, the camera has always been there to catch her.

Trained Blackwater assassination squads will probably track us down and liquidate us for this but the people need to know: Dick Cheney has Gulf War-themed Russian nesting dolls painted to look like members of George H. W. Bush's administration.

If you're going to spend $255 on crib for your spawn, you might as well do it ironically, right?

24 star and Everyone's Favorite Hollywood Drinking Buddy Kiefer Sutherland, as we briefly noted on our way out the door Wednesday evening, reported to the Glendale City Jail to begin serving his DUI sentence, scuttling our perhaps delusional hopes he might somehow elude his captors and rendezvous with Mary Lynn Rajskub in an abandoned Van Nuys warehouse to plot his next move, leaving a trail of snapped forearms and bullet-riddled kneecaps in his wake.

"The paint-it-all-white thing is a total Domino trick," says Deborah, the editor of that magazine, of the Tribeca loft she shares with her husband, Slate editor Jacob Weisberg, and their two kids. Good trick! Unless anyone ever has any kind of a period.