Sometimes the only way to get a handle on all the things happening in the news is through the five-seven-five-syllable form known as haiku. "Kreepie King" Jim Behrle has written his entry. Why not leave your own in comments?

Talk about coming to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving worst case scenario: a machine-gun wielding man held some Miami Herald employees hostage, forcing others to evacuate. He is now in police custody. The man was identified as Nuevo Herald (the Miami Herald's Spanish-language version) cartoonist Jose Varelas (that's his stellar work on the right), and he is quoted as saying ""You are speaking to the new director of the newspaper and I am going to unmask all of the true conflicts in the newspaper." Unfortunately, we'll never know what those are. Since no one got hurt, we could probably make a Sean Delonas joke guilt-free, but we're too tired.

"Yes, Matt, it hurt when I smacked my face on the diving board. Thanks for asking."
While we're very happy that diver Chelsea Davis emerged from her cringeworthy accident with a face damaged just enough to make for a good Today interview, we have to question the show's producers — especially the one who decided that, during Davis' appearance, they'd show footage of her accident over and over and over again. We're pretty sure everyone got the gist of it after the video was aired the first two times.
Update 8:58 Sean Hayes just told Katie Couric she has "nice legs." Producers high-five one another.