The American baby-naming crisis was already getting out of hand prior to this week, with names like Jaydien being thrown around by white trash parents who are actively trying to damage America's reputation. But now the problem is worsening. Yesterday, the people at BabyCenter—the site you go to when your child has glued his own nipples together and you need advice from parents who have experienced similar issues—unveiled their list of unusual baby names for 2012, names that were given to at least TWO children during the course of the year. The list is terrifying.

If you have children but have yet to learn anything about the terrifying story of a Manhattan nanny who stabbed two children in her care before slashing herself, rest assured, you will learn plenty in the coming days from fellow parents. They'll whisper to you on the playground. Did you hear about the nanny stabbing? They'll go over all the details. She stabbed them in the tub. Can you imagine? They'll plant seeds of fear. If it can happen there, it could happen anywhere, couldn't it? There's nothing parents love more than scaring the living shit out of each other, so between this and the coming Frankenstorm, I now have a full plate of parental scare tactics to both absorb and deploy in the coming weekend.