Back in August, comedian Dane Cook assailed the marketing job for his upcoming movie My Best Friend's Girl, claiming that it was the "best / funniest film" he'd ever made but that its quality was overshadowed by a photoshopped poster that left his face looking like "Brittany Spears' [sic] vagina." Then, the film actually came out, and critics treated Cook's vulva-tastic mug like it was the least of the rom-com's problems. Now, co-star Alec Baldwin is leaping into the fray, admitting on his official website that he'd rather watch My Name is Earl than have to sit through My Best Friend's Girl again:

Dog Poop Lawsuit, Settled! Yesterday, we brought you the news that comedian Dane Cook was refusing to vacate the apartment he was evicted from, claiming that if he moved out, he would lose the spiritual influence of former tenants John Belushi and Steve Martin forever. Perhaps sensing that his argument was flimsier than the plot of My Best Friend's Girl (though more original), Cook's lawyers have now appeared in court to state that Cook has abandoned his appeal. He also has agreed to pay his landlord an undisclosed amount stemming from the original argument that prompted the eviction: that Cook never picked up the his pet dog's excretions. To be fair, who would ever expect Cook to be well-practiced at shoveling shit? [TMZ]

With My Best Friend's Girl abysmal box office performance last weekend now behind us, we've been pondering the fallout of some of film's stars. Obviously Jason Biggs is always going to be known as the dude who stuck his peen in an apple pie. And Dane Cook's MySpace rants have gotten more views than all of his films put together. But Kate Hudson! We had so much hope for you, spawn of Goldie Hawn. Once a flaxen-haired hippie goddess with daisies laced in your hair, your gracefully slept your way to the top of the Stillwater groupies in Almost Famous. And you were almost more endearing than annoying in How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, which we must admit we occasionally watch on TBS when our plans fall through on a Friday night. We thought you might be on your way to becoming the queen of chick flicks, but now, you've taken it too far.How you suddenly went from a cute, perky blonde ingénue to a shrill, talentless flop is puzzling, but we have a feeling the downward spiral began when you took on the gem that was Fool's Gold, in which you reprised your stale dynamic with co-star Matthew McConaughey. Okay, so the film did decently, pulling in $70 million stateside. But it was the film that officially marked you as a romantic foil. You've made a habit out of banking on your hunky co-stars - even doubling up with the Wilson brothers by taking Owen in You, Me, and Dupree, and Luke in Alex and Emma. No longer are you the enticing, independent Penny Lane we once knew who wanted to establish her own identity as an actress. Instead, you seem more interested in raising your dating profile by serving as Lance Armstrong's last blonde-of-the-month. And we're not the only ones who are upset. Your poor career choices have also angered film blogger Jeffrey Wells, who has some harsh words for you:

It's been a rough weekend for Dane Cook: after being publicly shamed by our own Molly McAleer, the comedian saw his romantic comedy My Best Friend's Girl tank at the box office. Now, TMZ is reporting that thanks to his incontinent dog, Cook has been evicted from his apartment — though his attempt to fight the ruling may have provided us with the beleaguered actor's first amusing work in years:

We're finding out the hard way this morning that an Emmy hangover is the worst kind of malaise: All rank breath, regrets and resentment, bundled up in a headache of knowing there must be something else you missed while watching the television industry implode. And now we know — it was an only slightly less torpid weekend at the movies. Still, it's never too late to wash down some of that bitter aftertaste with a run through the Monday Morning Box Office: 1. Lakeview Terrace — $15.6 million Well, we nailed this one, finally locking down the complex Audience Demand Formula™ for Lakeview's known quantities: Samuel Jackson as a bad guy multiplied by interracial lust, raised to the negative power of Neil LaBute's post-Wicker Man directorial efforts, and that total divided by R-rated date-movie competition from Dane Cook. You try it!2. Burn After Reading — $11.3 million The Coens' latest dropped barely 40% in its second week, forcing hive-mind Clooney haters to spike their semi-annual "George can't open!" pieces for at least two years until he returns in the admittedly challenging Men Who Stare At Goats. At which time all bets are off, even ours. 3. My Best Friend's Girl — $8.3 million Or about $5 million less than tracking indicated. Maybe Dane Cook was right — his vagina-like face doesn't sell tickets after all. 4. Igor — $8 million All over America, families warmed to the story of a hunchback pursuing his lifelong dream of becoming a second-rate bit of animation left to dangle in the marketplace by Harvey Weinstein to the tune of $3400 per screen. 5. Righteous Kill — $7.7 million. Go ahead — insert your "De Niro and Pacino kept it up for a whole week" jokes here.

♦ Martha Stewart has been busy wielding the ax. First she fired one of her show's directors; now she's cut her longtime hairstylist/makeup artist, allegedly because the staffer was spending too much on makeup and hair dye. [P6]
♦ The doctor who has been treating DJ AM and Travis Barker since their plane crash on Friday says both men should make full recoveries. Four others died in the wreck and investigators now suspect a blown tire was the cause. [People, LAT]
♦ Ron Perelman and Pat Duff are still fighting in court over their daughter Caleigh. It seem the teenager is still skipping out on those court-ordered visits with her mom. [P6]
♦ Lindsay Lohan will be a judge on the first episode of next season's Project Runway. [NYDN]
♦ Tina Fey was a big winner at the Emmys last night. You can check out a full list of winners here. [ET]

Like Diablo Cody before her, Molly McAleer is not afraid to call someone out for being bad (just ask Shenae Grimes). Today's object of her disaffection is comedian Dane Cook, with whom Molls has a long, personal history that dates back to her college days as a sketch comic. Watch as our Ms. McAleer relates the time Cook screwed her out of her big break, then yelled at her for being friendly to his incontinent dog. All that, plus your weekend to-dos, after the jump:FRIDAY · The Bangles at the LA County Fair · Samantha Ronson at the Roxy · Red Scare on Sunset at the Attic Theater SATURDAY · Beck at the Hollywood Bowl · Gladys Knight at the Greek Theater · Dirtiest Sketch in LA at UCB SUNDAY · Hot Chip at the Wiltern · Goldfrapp at the Orpheum · My Morning Jacket at the Greek Theater

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your official tastemaking Bible for everything new and noteworthy at the movies. The second week of the fall season offers another mixed harvest of Oscar bait, multiplex placeholders and indie hopefuls, none more eagerly anticipated than the historically skeevy Dakota Fanning 2.0 drama Hounddog. But we'll get to that momentarily, along with this week's worthwhile DVD releases and an all-call for your own recommendations. As always, our opinions are our own — in times like these, who really wants to share? WHAT'S NEW: The first genuine Oscar-chasing release of the fall, The Duchess will likely split its viewership between pro- and anti-Keira Knightley factions before anyone bothers to acknowledge its broader, bodice-ripping appeal. So yes, Team Knightley: She deftly portrays Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, the late-18th-century heroine with the bitterly controlling husband (Ralph Fiennes), the rabble-rousing side dish (Dominic Cooper) and a surfeit of corsted, pre-feminist longing. The star and the film are beautiful, the direction assured and the awards-season creds affirmed — particularly Fiennes', whose customary wretchedness as the Duke acquires a kind of fascinating tenderness with age. If anyone should be on the Oscar bubble (besides the art and costume crew, which are locks), it's him.Still, in limited release, Duchess isn't competing for any box-office glory; that distinction belongs to Lakeview Terrace, the not-entirely-miserable Neil LaBute thriller featuring Samuel L. Jackson as a sociopathic cop out to get the hot interracial couple next door (Patrick Wilson and Kerry Washington). Against sturdy holdovers (Burn After Reading, The Family That Preys) and middling newbies (the Dane Cook slog My Best Friend's Girl, Ricky Gervais's leading-man debut Ghost Town), Lakeview will top out at $15.6 million. Cook will follow with $13.2 million; with half the screens and even less promotion, Ghost Town should still manage an even $6 million. Also opening: Ed Harris's old-old-school Western Appaloosa; Chris Smith's tiny, acclaimed Indian excursion The Pool; the gay-conversion melodrama Save Me; the wrenching immigrant day-in-the-life tale Take Out; and the Duchess-correcting, misogynist fantasia The Pink Conspiracy. THE BIG LOSER: You know, after we just predicted the Weinsteins would once again find their step in the multiplex, trust in Harvey to not only dump another subpar animated fairy tale on an unsuspecting public, but to essentially disown it. Such is Igor's lot, with its backers AWOL, its reviews tepid, and its voice talent (John Cusack, Molly Shannon, Steve Buscemi) trapped in a Straight-to-Flopz™ patchwork about a hunchback pursuing his dream of becoming a mad scientist. MGM is left to collect the grosses for this one, which won't break $5 million on 2,300 screens. Or, as they call it at Weinstein HQ, business as usual.

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the premiere of the blockbuster rom-com My Best Friend’s Girl, Jason Biggs went the extra mile to ensure that the press photographed his preferred side. Biggs admitted that he may have been influenced by a recent episode of Entourage, but he’s always a bit sheepish about the right side of his face. Biggs said, “I think there’s a couple of crow’s feet on that side that the Photoshop wizards forgot to remove.” Biggs firmly planted himself in front of the poster until all of the invited guests had walked all the way down the red carpet and into the theater. [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Dane Cook is finally playing nice these days on behalf of his Mr. Fix-It remake new film My Best Friend's Girl, getting through an entire interview recently without once mentioning his mildly vagina-like face or those other movie-poster mishaps that so traumatized him last month. In their place, readers are treated to hints about Cook's sweeter, sensitive side — the leading man in him who prepares for onscreen interludes with a grueling two-month training routine for his mouth and hands:

We've been telling you about The End of Ideas for a while now, but generally in the context where otherwise upstanding individuals knowingly attach their names to remakes, rehashes, reimaginings and revisions whose very existence could threaten even a VMA attendee's faith in a benevolent God. (His close neighbors are starting to have their doubts, anyway.) But to think that a Dane Cook movie that even he has found reason to second-guess could in fact be a poorly rendered rip-off of a straight-to-video David Boreanaz exercise from a decade ago? Really, now — that's just unholy. Judge for yourself after the jump as we bring you the special-needs trailer for Cook's forthcoming My Best Friend's Girl and its 2006 counterpart for the forgotten rom-com Mr. Fix It. As an added bonus, find a dormant IMDB comment thread parsing the films' respective plots: "What a rip-off! I predict this movie will never be released..." Alas.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Ellen Pompeo at the Century City Mall looking like (and we quote) "a Staten Island prostitute". This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.TUESDAY, AUGUST 21 · Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt. FRIDAY, AUGUST 22 · It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight. Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute. We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task? · Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam. · JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage. ·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica". SATURDAY, AUGUST 23 · He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch. SUNDAY, AUGUST 24 · Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff. Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait... · As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle. MONDAY, AUGUST 25 · Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it. I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was. ·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere. TUESDAY, AUGUST 26 · Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct. WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27 · Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys. · Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane. · I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street. · Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!! FRIDAY, AUGUST 29 · Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen. · Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place. · We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind. [Photo Credit: X17]

Lionsgate is reportedly allocating a portion of its new credit line to therapists after Dane Cook, the co-star of the studio's forthcoming "edgy comedy with a dash of romance" My Best Friend's Girl, lashed out today at the poor souls responsible for the film's poster. As if their mission to sell a Dane Cook film wasn't challenging enough, the actor/comedian assailed everything from the designers' Photoshop skills to his own hair ("actually a close up shot of Tom Selleck's Magnum P.I. mustache," he notes) in a quest for cosmic poster justice. For reasons we'll explain after the jump, we think he's being a little hard on the artists. After all, isn't there a little bit "Brittany Spears' [sic] vagina" in all of us?

Dane Cook doesn't like the poster for his new movie! And to be fair to the unfunny and petulant comedian, it is terrible. The average heterosexual male would decline to see this movie based solely on the poster, even without knowing Dane Cook was in it. But the average heterosexual male who found themselves living Dane Cook's life would probably let it slide, secure in the thought that despite being (probably) Tucker Max's favorite entertainer, he was starring in movies with Kate Hudson and had a stable of college groupies. Dane Cook, however, took to his MySpace page with a 10-point letter of complaint about how the poster makes him look. Dude, you're totally making yourself sound like a metrosexual:

Click to view

In a startling example of accidental domestic terrorism, the CDC announced today a major breach of its "Dane Cook Cloning" program, begun in 1997 when weaponized anthrax was found "simply not annoying enough." Clone DC-01 escaped his holding cell two weeks ago (distinguishable from his progenitor only by his tattooed sleeves), finally appearing in public to try his hand at terrible, terrible stand-up comedy during last night's episode of Last Comic Standing. The experiment was a success. We are all doomed. [NBC]

Embattled pet-owner Dane Cook is finally being made to answer for his Pinscher-loaf sins, as his eviction trial for failing to pick up after his miniature canine companion Beast has just completed the jury selection process. (See him attacked by pragmatic paparazzi—"C'mon, Dane. It's just dog crap!"—above.) Among the questions asked by his counsel of potential candidates:

After sufficiently mourning the split between Justin Long and Drew Barrymore by giving our iBook a tearful embrace, we found ourselves facing a familiar Drew-inspired dilemma: figuring out who the serial dater extraordinaire will add to her illustrious list of ex-boyfriends next. Even before sort of settling down with the Strokes’ token hottie Fabrizio Moretti, Barrymore winked and giggled her way into the hearts of a wildly eccentric group of actors, musicians, comedians, sex tape vendors, drug addicts, directors and Firecrotch ranters. She’s aimed high (Leo), low (Feldman), and was an early member of the Lesbian Chic bandwagon. After the jump, we take a look at all her past paramours in order to narrow down our own suggested candidates for the next round.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Eli Roth sucking face with a teenager when he should've been watching Schindler's List The Happening.

Comedian's comedian and actor Louis C.K. was spotted by a paparazzi photographer while out in New York City. C.K. asked for the real reason why the photographer was taking a picture of him. The photographer thought for a minute and debated between saying something polite ("Hey, I loved you in that one show!") or being honest. The photographer ended up going the honest route and told C.K. that he had heard a scoop that Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson were in the adjacent area and that he just wanted to make sure his camera's focus was still working. C.K. nodded and said, "Well, just don't let Dane Cook steal this bit from me and you, okay?"