Pity Anna Nicole Smith's one-year-old daughter Dannielynn, who will grow up never having known her exhaustively documented mother. A tragedy to be sure, but one that fame-hungry babydaddy Larry Birkhead is determined to resolve in the most unorthodox fashion possible. If only there were some way (besides granting paid exclusives to The Insider) he could show Dannielynn just how much her mother meant to him...

Larry Birkhead and integrity go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. While we have never held him in anything even remoting approaching regard, we think that this clip might one day go down as his lowest moment. That goes for those creeps over at The Insider, too. This clip of Birkhead trotting out Dannielynn to the Bahamian gravesite where her mother is buried repulses us on more levels than we care to count. But we'll try.

As father Larry reportedly enters final negotiations with the E! network to co-star in a reality show with daughter Dannielynn Hope Marshall Colby Dexter Fortensky Birkhead, sources close to the events continue to cast the Genetic Sweepstakes winner in a sinister light. Beyond the strenuously denied blow-job bombshells, we now have the testimony of former Birkhead bodyguard Mark Speer, who tells the NY Daily News of the time Larry arranged with paparazzi to be photographed grieving at the grave of Anna Nicole's son:

• Exclusive: Dannielynn at Her Party! [theinsideronline.com]

As much of the world spent their Monday evenings funneling turpentine into their ears, hoping the primitive technique might somehow wash away the indelible vision of Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern engaged in "a compromising, intimate position," the two men figuring most prominently in the outrageous claims made by Rita Cosby's new book have begun to fight back. A round-up:
· On a Larry King Live guest-hosted by TMZ's Harvey Levin, Birkhead again dismissed the allegations made in the book, insisting it belongs next to "Harry Potter in the fiction aisle," among "similar, made-up acts of wizard-on-wizard depravity." [transcripts.cnn.com]

Last week, we were teased with news of "shocking" material contained within the pages of former MSNBC host Rita Cosby's bombshell-laden new book, Blond Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death. For a conspiracy-hungry public who never quite warmed to Howard K. Stern's svengali-like presence and his sudden coziness with overly highlighted babydaddy Larry Birkhead, it instantly conjured up a host of sordid scenarios—everything from lusty man-on-man trysts to black market baby sales, from systematic bimbo-druggings to involuntary face-painting. Now, a leaked manuscript reveals that Cosby's claims include all of the above, and more:

OK! magazine's dramatically unspecific allegations yesterday that Larry Birkhead is not the upstanding, profoundly moral soul we'd expect an Anna Nicole Smith ex to be left us to speculate on our own about his torrid secrets. Now, TMZ dumps lighter fluid and a match on the smoldering coals with suspiciously well-timed rumors that MSNBC anchor Rita Cosby's dishy Anna Nicole tell-all — conveniently available Sept. 4! — claims Birkhead slipped Howard K. Stern something entirely different:

Those tender-hearted moralists at OK! magazine — who wrestled publicly with whether or not to print the pictures from its excrement-crusted Britney Spears shoot — are at it again: They now say they are dropping their planned exclusive coverage of Dannielynn on her first birthday. Since this can't possibly have anything to do with the glut of father-daughter pictures we just saw in Us Weekly, there must be some other, far more scandalous explanation—and there is! Please ready yourselves for earth-rending allegations that, unfortunately, can only be discussed with tantalizing vagueness:

Rest easy—all is well at Birkhead Manor, even if Us Weekly's cover story on Anna Nicole Smith's last living heir somewhat disconcertingly crops daddy Larry out of the picture. (At least we're hoping those disembodied hands are Larry's, and not Tony Potts placing the one-year-old in a duffel bag for transportation to a contractually mandated appearance at Access Hollywood's studios.) And while the "$472 million baby" may tragically never get to meet her mommy, Dannielynn will at least be able to experience her through the multimedia shrine her father has erected in Anna Nicole's honor:

It's time for one of those sporadic check-ins to see how Larry Birkhead and court-certified genetic property Dannielynn are faring. The two have been in L.A. for a little while now, where Birkhead has had the opportunity to introduce his baby daughter to some of Anna Nicole's favorite local haunts ("And that's the hamburger joint where your mom got tanked and sexed up a waitress!"). Amazingly, Birkhead already sees a lot of Anna Nicole in Dannielynn, beyond superficial similarities like the constant gurgling and need for an occasional bottle feeding:

NBC Universal reportedly paid $1 million for exclusive access to Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkead, a deal that is now culminating in her Journey to America, as well as an honorary godfather title and round-the-clock blankey duty for Access Hollywood reporter Tony Potts: