You would think that Ron Burkle would lead a charmed life, considering all the perks he enjoys as a billionaire mogul. He flies around on a private jet! He cozies up to starlets! He hangs out with fellow horndog Bill Clinton! He secretly backs Radar, and has the best flacks money can buy to control his press coverage! But no amount of money will allow Burkle to have it both ways; he wants the parties and models, but not the notoriety that comes with them. Sorry Ron, you have to choose one or the other. Because when you're out bothering models and sharing girls with Leonardo DiCaprio, we hear all about it: In the Daily News' Rush & Molloy gossip column today, there was this about Dicaprio:

Remember that male:female demographic map that statistically charted the surplus single females across the nation and made every single woman in New York want to hang herself? Turns out it was somewhat misleading, because it counted everyone between the ages of 20 and 64 and most of the women who read about it on some blog—and who then accordingly expanded the universe of Dudes With Whom They'd Potentially Go Home to include, like, actuaries or men with off-putting tribal tattoos—were probably younger than 40. An amateur statistician named Jonathan Soma with an apparent surplus of free time and something to prove coded the map to make it adjustable by age (and divided by local population), and the sudden sprouting of big blue single male dots makes the situation seem a lot rosier for women……until they reach their mid-forties at least! So there is, it turns out, probably a surplus of single young dudes, and an absolute paucity of single old dudes. Oh yeah, and none of this counts unmarrieds in relationships, which decidedly includes The Gays:

You, the public, recently got to preview portions of the horrific (currently in production!) movie script for I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, written by "Dude, I did 12 shots of Jamesons and totally puked on that chick's tits" bro-blogger Tucker Max. The primary question that arose afterwards was, "What kind of girl would go out with this asshole?" Well, ladies and gentlemen, we (purportedly) have an answer-with all of the "whores," bad sex, emotional manipulation, fried chicken, drunk driving, and, uh, other bad things that you would have imagined: A tipster forwarded us the following text, which they say is an entry that was deleted from Tucker Max's ex-girlfriend's blog. We don't follow the man's love life closely enough to know whether this is true, but the blog does have Tucker Max listed as its contact person. Portions of this post have been floating around the internet for some time now. That's our disclaimer. Now here's the alleged Tucker Max love experience:

Gorgeous and magical Alanis Morrisette stopped by "The Howard Stern Show" Friday, where she discussed her break-up with loser Ryan Reynolds-who her band, Howard, and Artie Lang all hate-as well her experimentations with lesbianism. Clip after the jump.

Proto-douche and I Can't Believe I'm Still Single author Eric Shaeffer is back to annoy us all with his blog. When a reader wrote in, "The reason you can't find a girl is on account of getting fucked in the ass by doms," Schaeffer offered this response: "The joys of giving over are obvious and plentiful to those of us straight guys who dabble. For those of you who don't or wish to judge, you might want to get your facts straight so you don't poison the world with anymore bullshit. We have way to much contaminating us already." Oh, and for those of you that aren't sure just who is and who is not engaging in hot trans-actional funtimes, Schaeffer explains it to you after the jump.

A tipster sends in a sighting of the now-famous Craigslist Cash-Waver outside a Broadway building: "The red, white, and blue sunglasses were in the same slanted sunglass style as the photos, and his matching shoes were those big plastic-y looking sneakers. Shirt and jeans were nondescript, but the chin strap was in full form...This was around 4:15 on Wednesday. I've never used this site before, can I make sure my full name/email don't appear with the sighting? I don't want him to sue/punch me." Sure! Caveat: Yes he was funny and everything, but he didn't really do anything too bad, so everyone (especially us) should try to be nice. Okay! [Previously]

"Ladies," yells the website for Pocket Change's Fashion Meets Finance event, which promises to enjoin members of two of the most vapid, vicious professions. "You no longer need to worry that the cute guy at the bar works in advertising... in New York City you are defined by what you do and the dating world has to follow the same rules. The claim 'I am in finance' is a heavily weighted statement.'" It's heavy 'cause they're trying to compensate! But seriously: "Women in fashion need men who can facilitate their pre-30 marriage/retirement plan, and men in finance need women who will allow them to leverage their career in their dating equity." Let's meet some of the potential attendees who have RSVP'd to tonight's event!

Notorious douchebag Jeremy Abelson is back with another lame singles event. Better known by his alter-ego, Richard Nouveau, Abelson is the man behind Pocket Change NYC, the site responsible for coordinating a bunch of stupid dating events/publicity stunts over the past couple of years, including Natural Selection Speed Dating II, which was restricted to "sugar mamas" with more than $4 million in assets. (The first iteration was only open to men who made more than $500K a year, which Neel Shah memorably crashed.) That Abelson's events seem to attract perverts (hello Paul Janka!) hasn't put a damper on his ability to stir up press: The greasy wannabe has made appearances on The Early Show and Dr. Phil, describing luxuries that Abelson has only sampled because of the publicity he can generate, not because he can actually afford any of it. (The Ferrari he's sitting in above? Borrowed from Gotham Dream Cars.) But his latest stunt, scheduled for June 5th, looks like it's already in trouble!

Click to viewMoral of this story: if you're digging yourself into a hole, stop digging. Yesterday, we got a tip about a self-described "Mr. Right" on NYC's Craigslist, who posted a personal ad with 30 pictures of himself, several of which feature him waving a stack of $20 bills. We put up a few of his photos and chuckled. But he was upset! So he called up the Gawker offices to voice his grievances. He charged us with fraud. He threatened to "punch the fucking guy whoever did this" and "fuck him up." And he warned us, "I'm ten times smarter than these people, cause I"m gonna record it right now." So are we! You have to hear it to believe it. Remember, kids: Craigslist is a public place. Click to listen to the highlights. (To refresh your memory, three of his moneymaking personal ad photos are below):

Your search is over, ladies: "Mr. Right Iz Here Waitin on U." On Craigslist! His straightforward message: "Listen If U Really Wanna Get 2 Know Me Just Send Me A Note." Simple, honest, persuasive... and right. And he included a total of 30 pictures with his one-sentence pitch. Including a few unrelated wedding pictures that don't even appear to have him in it. But this handful should be enough to give you the essence of what your new man is all about:

Yesterday, we speculated about what Nerve.com blogger (and member of defunct 90s band Johnny Bravo) Branwyn Lancourt meant when he said that he "enjoyed the fried calamari, so to speak" on his date the other night. What sort of depraved sexual act was he referring to? Our diseased minds went haywire. But no: he e-mailed us to let us know that it wasn't some sort of euphemism (and also sort of implied that we're assholes, but that's OK.) What he meant follows, as does a totally awesome YouTube film he made with his twin brother! (Quote: "Fuck you for wanting me to look you in the eye! I don't want to know you that well." Also: "Kafka was a clerk!")

Word on "The Street" is that CNBC Reporter Michelle Caruso-Cabrera may be dating Gary Parr, deputy chairman of Lazard and a guy who is involved in finance stories Caruso-Cabrera could be covering [Radar]. It's reminiscent of CNBC Money Honey Maria Bartiromo's purported canoodling with Citigroup exec Todd Thompson. This raises an important issue: why do all the rich business guys go for the CNBC women? Haven't they heard of a little place called FOX BUSINESS NETWORK, which put in a lot of effort to hire its own stable of attractive female on-air personalities to lure male viewers? Can they get some love over there? We've decided to help them out; after the jump, five of Fox's foxy professional women, and a real item of interest about each one. Act now, Wall Street jerks!

Time Out has a Chicago edition and that edition has a sex columnist. A letter to that sex columnist this week bears a remarkable resemblance to the blog opera life of Time Out New York contributer Julia Allison! It's a sad letter about two bloggers in love who blogged about being bloggers in love (though their sites were read "mostly [by] just our friends, some of their friends read it, too"!), but the guy-blogger blogged about how the girl-blogger couldn't achieve orgasm. Then things got even worse!

Every drunk idiot in New York called erstwhile "dating" "columnist" Julia Allison's funny little voicemail number from the front page of Time Out. And Time Out helpfully uploaded their calls. And we're posting them! No one actually seems very interested in dating Julia, as New Yorkers are largely a group with a strong instinct for self-preservation. Highlights include a call that seems to be from the Holy Modal Rounders and this one, from Juan: "Hey Julia, it's Juan, and I just wanted to know if I could impregnate you, alright. Give me a call, at Jancy's house." Embedded playlist after the jump. Oy.

"Joe Mode is seeking single gay professional males 25 - 50 years old to be participants at a tv show taping of the new Lifetime show, MATT TITUS- MATCHMAKER. If you are interested please send an email to wayoutworld@yahoo.com to confirm. You will be attending a mixer where Matt will be talking with an interview prospect dates for his client on this episode. Just show up by 7pm at the Stitch lounge. There will be hors d'oevours served." (Really, can no one spell hors d'oeuvres any more?) [Sponge Cell]

From the mailbag, regarding Ivy League alum and douchey online dater John Fitzgerald Page: "I talked to John Page for 3 hours last night. So I called him.....a couple of times (and yes that is all it took). I don't know where to go with the information I have now after talking to him for seriously 3 HOURS. I will send you a copy of my phone bill a) if ATT has put it up yet b) you tell me where to send it, to prove what I am saying.... What do I do with 3 hours of information from the most hated/loved/entertaining/douchey guy on the internet today?"

In response our assertion that she was still dating yoga-loving, woman-hating "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" author Eric Schaeffer, Kelly Kreth writes:

Gotham magazine has compiled its list of the hottest 100 most eligible bachelors in New York. And ladies, just a note, if these guys are the creme of the crop, you are soooooo screwed! First of all, many of them are "openly" gay. Second of all, though there are 770,000 more unmarried women than unmarried men in the New York City area, there is no excuse for including Ronn Torossian, the newly divorced and unbearable 5W PR honcho. (He represents Joe Francis!) The list also includes a guy named Jono (no last name) and Cator "Dandy in Distress" Sparks, a freelance writer. There's also a couple I-bankers, a Kushner (obviously) and even a Knick, who you know knows how to treat the ladies right! The only name missing from the list is prime monster Eric Schaeffer but we hear he's still dating Kelly Kreth, the New York Press's new sex columnist, which is so very unfortunate for her.

Post dating columnist Mandy Stadtmiller (catch her live on stage with Star Editor-at-Large Julia Allison this Wednesday!) approaches something like self-awareness in her most recent column: "Simply wanting sex, simply wanting not to be murdered by a psychopath and simply wanting to avoid all things explicitly Ayn Rand neatly summarizes the maddening experiences of the modern single woman in New York City. And, of course, there's me—nauseautingly, wincingly, shut-the-hell-up-already -about-my-smug-nascent-perfect-relationship me." There is, Mandy! There is always you! [NYP]

Last night I almost made a gossip columnist drop her drink in horror with a single sentence. Luckily we were on the roof of 60 Thompson, which is such a classy establishment that the drinks are served in plastic tumblers, so no harm would've been done, but my gossipy friend's gasp drew the attention of another woman in our group, who asked me to repeat the shocking thing I'd said. She, too, did a double-take. "You let a man allow you to pay for your own dinner on the first date, and you're seeing him again?" I nodded. One of 60 Thompson's insanely bitchy waitresses stopped in her tracks as she overheard, almost dashing a tray of plastic-sheathed vodka tonics to the flagstones. What was going on here?