Tom Cruise-related justice is swift, and it is harsh: Marc Lewis Gittleman, the man who supplied David Hans "The Sultan of Sleaze" Schmidt with the thousands of wedding photos the infamous celebrity-smut-intermediary then used to try to extort $1.3 million from the actor (who immediately contacted the FBI to prevent images of him smashing wedding cake into his new war-bride's face from ever reaching the tabloids), was sentenced to two years of probation and $3,000 in fines. Actually, given the tragic, self-inflicted sentence the troubled Schmidt received during his house arrest, the co-conspirator escaped from the fiasco with barely a wrist-slap. [ABC News.com]

The weekend brought tragic news, as David Hans "the Sultan of Sleaze" Schmidt—a modern day adventurer who braved dense refuse-bin jungles and abandoned U-Store-It crypts in search of priceless, celebrity-smut treasures—was found dead in his Arizona home of an apparent suicide, where he sat under house arrest waiting sentencing for attempting to extort Tom Cruise for $1 million. The LAT reviews some of Schmidt's greatest hits:

David Hans Schmidt, aka the "Sultan of Sleaze," has finally learned what the potential consequences are of peddling his shadily procured wares back to their original owners. Having attempted to shake down Tom Cruise with stolen photos from Cruise's lavishly mounted Italian fairytale wedding, a guilty-pleading Schmidt is finally looking at serving up to two years of hard time. Extra reports:

Far be it from us to dictate to television's Marcia Cross how best to run her household, but were we to allow our newlywed stockbroker husband to photograph us soaping ourselves down suggestively outdoors and in the altogether, we'd probably put the risqué shots somewhere slightly more secure than the garbage bin for safekeeping, where a rodent/entrepreneur hybrid like "Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt might be foraging for his next big find:

"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt appeared on Howard Stern's radio show this morning to plug Dustin Diamond's own entry into an already crowded field of celebrity sex tapes featuring furry, squeaky-voiced children's television stars. Apparently, Diamond's previous boasts to Stern about his megalithic manhood were not exaggerated: