Irascible late night fixture David Letterman can breathe a little more easily tonight—well, as easily as someone who just accidentally broke his nose playing with his three-year-old son can be expected to—as Montana officials have announced the capture of the escaped convict who once plotted to kidnap the very same little junior Letterman:
The ex-con who had once plotted to kidnap David Letterman's infant son while working as a painter on the talk show host's Montana ranch has succeeded in executing yet another jaw-dropping maneuver straight out of the Depression-Era Crime Movie Playbook: He escaped with another inmate from the Montana State Prison where he was being held, and, four days later, the two are still on the run:
Late last night, all of America came to a standstill as Lindsay Lohan turned up on Letterman to help promote Georgia Rule (we'll assume it was a good faith effort to make up some of the time she missed due to "exhaustion" and "immaturity"), hoping that the perpetually troubled starlet might reveal what's actually going on in those blurry News of the World bathroom stall photos.
· Is releasing clips with exposed time codes so they look "leaked" the newest thing in promotional viral video? Anyway, enjoy these Will Ferrell dick-dips from Blades of Glory, coming soon to a theater near you!
· Famous person has two babies! At the same time! Incredible.
· Where will Britney do her first Redemption Tour interview? If she's truly lost her shit, she'll bypass Diane Sawyer for Carson Daly.
· Every 25 year marriage is bound to have its rough patches, right? We're sure Dave and Paul will works things out eventually, but you know how it is when the wife is all blah blah blah all the time.
· Hey, sex-attacking bat demons!
While Michael Richards has not been having, to put it mildly, the greatest of weeks, the actor has already set upon the long road of "personal work" and Jujitsu of the soul that might ultimately deliver him from his shocking inability to launch snappy, epithet-free retorts at comedy club hecklers. A Road To Kramer's Redemption Round-Up:
· "Some of my best friends are Afro-American civil rights leaders!" Richards' newly acquired publicist, Howard Rubenstein, says the actor spent the day calling Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to let them know how sorry and not racist he is. [TMZ]
· A couple claims they were subjected to yet another racist comedy club outburst, in which Richards screamed at a heckler at The Improv, "You fucking Jew. You people are the cause of Jesus dying," before storming off the stage. Richards would later insist what he meant to say was, "Save your breath for your inflatable date!" but his gut told him the crowd wanted something more "Jew-hatey." [TMZ]
You can see bits and pieces of this all over the place today, but here's the whole enchilada — Michael Richards appearing via satellite on The Late Show with David Letterman last night, during a scheduled appearance by his pal Jerry Seinfeld. Richards apologizes for his on-stage racist tirade last week, and while he appears totally sincere and contrite, the whole thing comes loaded with enough squirmy discomfort to make Andy Kaufman's ghost rise up and applaud. Stop laughing!
• Time Warner is moving its retail operations to Parsippany, New Jersey (nickname: The City of Lights). Does this foretell further moves west for other segments of the organization? Will Time be setting up shop in Secaucus? Probably not; that would require that its leadership have some sense of direction. [Fishbowl NY]
• Bill Clinton's got his (or some intern's) knickers in a twist about an ABC 9/11 "documentary" which claims that he pretty much flew those planes into the towers himself. [NYP]
• Aging talk show host has another four years to run his once legendary legacy into the ground. [ETP]
Shock, awe: In an unannounced appearance yesterday, Britney Spears confirmed her pregnancy to David Letterman (only marginally better than a press conference). This finally and thankfully puts an end to rampant speculation that she was simply fat.
Brave Gawker readers continue to stalk Tom Cruise's cruisazy train through Manhattan. Here, Maverick signs autographs outside the Ed Sullivan Theater last night on the way in for his Letterman taping. And, to be honest, we barely recognize the guy anymore without Katie Holmes affixed to him. Weird.
Let it not be said the wheels of New Mexico justice turn slowly, though a fair case could be made for them turning stupidly. Not a week after slapping David Letterman with a restraining order, telling him to stay at least three yards away from a deranged fan from the Southwestern state, the same judge has reversed his decision:
David Letterman is no stranger to psycho fan obsession; something about his twitchy, sarcastic demeanor beckons them like a silent dog whistle. But a recent incident involving a deranged fan in New Mexico who claims she was being personally tormented by Letterman through coded on-air behavior had an usual outcome: it was Letterman himself who was served with the restraining order.
• Oprah gives Dave biggest audience in a decade. [Newsday]
• Kurt Andersen wonders: Whither Harper's sans Lapham? [NYM]
• The Week, says Jon Friedman, is "Godfather of the Blogosphere — or the first blogazine." And it just wants to be loved. [MW]
• Today is Viacom's first day as two companies — one high-growth, one low-growth. Sorry, CBS and friends. [WSJ]
• Did Trump hire a P.I. to dig up dirt on authorized biographer? Who knows. [NYM]
• Greg Lindsay, who knows of what he speaks on such matters, fears for the future of airline magazines. [MB]
The hype was so all-consuming that we stayed up three hours past our bedtime to witness the historic, televised hatchet-burying reunion of the hero of our insomniac youth (David Letterman) and the goddess of our housebound, shiftless now (Oprah). The evening did not disappoint. After a monologue and Top Ten list dedicated to the Queen of Daytime, Letterman beckoned Winfrey to his desk. The World's Most Powerful Woman emerged, regally (Can Oprah move in any other way? No, she cannot. ) crossed the stage, and with arms outstretched and ready for a feud-ending embrace, was immediately floored by a surprise Letterman haymaker. The twin titans tumbled to the floor, and the next two minutes were a blur of fists, teeth, and razor-sharp manicures, the desperate grunts of the combatants mixing dissonantly with the nasal protestations of stunned bandleader Paul Shaffer.
· Who knew that Garrison Keillor was such a big bully? Representatives for his Prarie Home Companion empire have gone all cease-and-desist on the MNspeak blog over a parody t-shirt.
· Fun With Plea-Bargaining: The guy who threatened to kidnap Letterman's baby and nanny gets 10 years in jail—but for embezzlement, obstruction, and illegally possessing wildlife, not attempted kidnapping.
· "Rampant cocaine use" and "vague intimations of 'debaucheries'" make local visual effects houses sounds like more fun than a key party in the Hills.
· Dave Chappelle finds returning to stand-up much less terrifying than another season of Chappelle's Show.
· Always about three times less controversial than onetime Siamese twin Ben Affleck, Matt Damon quietly gets engaged to his noncelebrity girlfriend of two years.
· If you liked Stuff On My Cat, then you'll love Cats in Sinks.
