· Fox, CBS, and DirecTV hold on to the NFL for the insignificant sum of about $8 billion. In related news: Still no team in L.A., though the homeless guy down the street is fond of wearing an old Rams helmet. [THR]
· Carole Black will resign her post as president and CEO of Lifetime Entertainment in March. We can only imagine the personal toll wrought by nearly six years of anorexia, breast cancer, and Valerie Bertinelli movies. [THR]
· Clubhouse strikes outs, is sent to the showers, is indicted in the BALCO case, or any other baseball-related metaphor that indicates it's not on television anymore. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Reese Witherspoon's Type A Productions is developing Janet Evanovich's bounty hunter mystery novel One for the Money for Columbia. We hope the book's about an adorably feisty bounty hunter, because Witherspoon's really got the adorably feisty thing down. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Were you hoping that the Golden Globes would end in a showdown of True Believers? The Hollywood Foreign Press has already stymied any hopes for a Fahrenheit 9/11 vs. The Passion of the Christ throw-down. Documentaries aren't eligible for any awards, while movies about Jesus getting his ass kicked for two hours are eligible—but only if they're in English. Maybe Moore and Gibson will get drunk and wrestle instead. [THR]

· Howard Keel, movie musical song-and-dance man and Dallas star, dies at age 85. If Jamie Foxx really wants an Oscar, maybe he should option the rights. [THR]
· George Clooney will star in and direct the Edward R. Murrow/Joe McCarthy showdown pic Goodnight. And Good Luck for his and Steven Soderbergh's Section 8 production company. Clooney also co-wrote the script and plans to be very hands-on at the craft service table when production begins. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Desperate Housewives keeps on bringing in larger ratings numbers; we suspect this streak is fueled by a weekly human sacrifice at Disney headquarters. Fox's beloved Arrested Development does just O.K., preventing everyone involved from getting too comfortable in their offices. [THR]
· Author Gabriel Garcia Marquez finally caves in after years of resisting movie offers, as New Line purchases rights to Love in the Time of Cholera. At least they didn't wait for him to die and buy off his relatives. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· HBO and Alan Ball confirm that the upcoming 12-episode fifth season of Six Feet Under will be the last. Unless HBO throws a shitload of money at everyone to squeeze out one more season. Or spins off Nate. [THR]

· Proving the industry maxim that no number one film can go unsequelized, The Grudge 2 will become a reality. They've sign up the first pic's writer, Stephen Susco, to revisit the remake. [THR]
· Leonardo DiCaprio will produce/star in a thriller about mercenaries hired by governements to fight their wars. We imagine his preparation for the role will fall short of a quickie tour-of-duty "in the shit" of Falluja. Some people have no dedication to craft. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· CBS does the utterly expected and picks up CSI: NY for 10 more episodes; Les Moonves seriously considers drafting Jerry Bruckheimer as his right-hand man in his plot to conquer the world. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Director Steven Soderbergh leads the charge against the excessive, ear-splitting decibels of movie theaters' "pre-show entertainment." They'd probably make more headway against in-theater noise pollution if they merely forced Michael Bay to retire. [THR]
· CBS dominates the Nielsens in the first night of November sweeps; The OC manages a decent opening despite Mischa Barton's ridiculous attempts to convey her character's inner struggle by shrieking like a wounded turkey. [THR]

· An NBC reality show/televised deathmatch will pit comedians against one another for a spot on SNL, with Lorne Michaels as the Trumpian arbiter. We're sure that the always-friendly, sharing SNL players will welcome their new, no-dues-paying colleague with open arms. [THR]
· ABC pairs up with Elton John for a single-camera, aging rock star sitcom. It looks like Sir Elton's legendary shopping habits have finally drained his bank account down to the very bottom. And hasn't anyone told ABC that divorcees are the new sitcom gays? Someone call Bette Midler, this one sounds like it could be a disaster all around. OK, we're done now with our disjointed, disbelieving critiques. [Variety, , sub. req'd.]
· The Sopranos' Jamie Lynn Discala prepares for her post-Meadow career by signing up with UPN for a series based on the website Vivianlives.com. With another Sopranos season left, it might be a little early to panic by trolling the internet for job possibilities. [THR]
· NBC and Fox News won the election night ratings wars (broadcast and cable, respectively, obvs), probably because they both called Ohio early and let half the country go to bed before 3 a.m. [THR]

· FX seems to be banking on a prolonged presence in Iraq, ordering on-the-front-lines war drama Over
There from Steven Bochco. [THR]
· Expensive NBC CGI disaster Father of the Pride is "temporarily" shelved for November sweeps, but the network promises unaired episodes "will be back" in December. Either that or Jeff Zucker will instead light two million dollars in cash on fire in front of NBC's offices in memory of each unseen show. Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Just in time for the election, DreamWorks buys the pitch Motorcade, about an assault on a president's um, motorcade on a visit to L.A. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· It's official: divorcees are the new, bickering sitcom gays: CBS backs another divorce sitcom, this one from Will & Grace writer Kari Lizer. [THR]
· ABC orders a full season of Wife Swap, which they call "the unsung hero" their fall schedule. Destroying the remnants of the nuclear family and damaging children on national television has rarely been so heroic! [Variety,
sub. req'd.]
· Not even Halloween can stop the Desperate Housewives Nielsen juggernaut, as the show pulls its best ratings to date. Who knows how many children were lost because their parents let them trick-or-treat unchaperoned while they watched ABC mock their suburban existence? [THR]
· Paramount continues its noble resistance to original ideas, signing Gerard Depardieu to join Queen Latifah and LL Cool J (say what?) in the recycled British comedy The Last Holiday. [THR]

· NBC and ABC race to be the first to exploit 9/11 for shoddy, ratings-boosting miniseries. The early lead goes to NBC for invoking 80s nuclear holocaust series The Day After in its concept description. Sounds classy and sensitive to national suffering already! [THR]
· Revolution Studios, fearless promoter of mind-rotting cinema, will produce the romantic comedy Made in Italy, in which an American has to win over the crazy, ethnic-stereotyped family of her boyfriend. Not since My Big Fat Greek Wedding has a Mediterranean people had such an exciting opportunity to be portrayed as backwards and annoying by Hollywood. [THR]
· King of the Hill/Simpsons writer Rich Appel mines his own unhappy marital history for laughs, getting a pilot commitment from CBS for a divorce sitcom. Appel also gets in the quote of the day: "I would love to do a show that does for divorced America what Will & Grace did for gay America." We wish him good luck in his quest to make everyone think divorcees are incredibly tiresome and petty eunuchs. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Hey, kids, more Revolution Studios news! At least this time they're only expending their crap capital on a remake of the John Carpenter horror flick The Fog. They wouldn't want to throw away too much money on original crap. [THR]
· Fox's Nielsen master plan is falling into place, as they ride big World Series clinching game numbers into the rollout of their fall season. Also, LAX continues to bomb, but now in a fresh timeslot. They should really bring in Heather Locklear to save that show. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· It's official: Rupert Murdoch is packing up his multimedia conglomerate in little cardboard boxes and moving its headquarters to Delaware. You know, the Biggest Little Corporation-Friendly State in the Union, where the Hollywood Trial of the Century is taking place? [THR]
· Miramax tag sale! As they come under increased Disney scrutiny, the Weinsteins are looking to drag their titles onto the sidewalk in TriBeca and make some quick dough. We're totally going to pick up a broken toaster and Prozac Nation for pocket change! [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· The O.C. princess Mischa Barton is in final talks to join the cast of indie feature The OH in Ohio. (Nope, that title is not a joke!) The film stars Parker Posey as a woman who has never had an orgasm. You'd think that with all of her yoga training she'd be a little more in touch with her body. [THR]
· Stephen J. Cannell, legendary producer of The A-Team and The Rockford Files, waits for the go ahead on his TNT series, The Dark. We only mention this because we love the part at the end of all of his shows where, in the thrall of his overwhelming creative energies, he tears a script page from his typewriter and tosses the fresh batch of dramatic gold into the air. [THR]

· Sex and the City creator Darren Star will make his feature directing debut (I think that's what they're saying) with the romantic comedy 100 Weddings, in which a war reporter has to cover wedding before...sorry, we already can't bring ourselves to care. [THR]
· The MPAA estimates that piracy could cost the business $15 billion over the next four years. Assuming, naturally, that people would actually want to pay for the shit Hollywood product they're stealing if it weren't free. [THR]

· Agent Dance update: WMA's Hylda Queally still on her way to CAA. in a "major defection" Also, Jason Barrett bolts The Big Willy to start a production/management company. What's going on over there? Did they take away expense accounts and assistant-whipping benefits? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Sally Field looks to return to sitcoms with a project for ABC. The show would revolve around a middle aged woman who makes huge changes in her life, getting divorced and getting a job. She likes menopause, she really, really likes menopause! Sorry, had to get that out of the way. [THR]
· Glenn Close joins the cast of The Shield for season four. There was a time when it would've been considered career suicide for a big movie actress to take a part on a television show, especially one on basic cable. But these are different, confusing times, so it might actually be a good thing. [THR]
· Desperate Housewives, Lost, and Medical Investigation get full season pick-ups, withCSI:NY soon to follow. Tragically, Commando Nanny is aborted to the underpopulated limbo of stupid ideas that will never see the primetime airwaves. [THR]
· Friar's Club roastmaster Jeffrey Ross, who nobly accused Jay Mohr of blowing Tom Cruise to get a part, gets a
development/talent holding deal at Fox. Who says there's no justice in the world? [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Sony Pictures and Original Films buy the rights to as-yet unreleased spy novel The Executioner's Game for a Jamie Foxx vehicle. Looks like Foxx is done taking a shot at an Oscar for a while. [THR]
· Last night's endless Yankees-Red Sox game does huge ratings numbers for Fox, crushing Monday Night Football. Fox programming executives are feverishly working to schedule 6 hour baseball games three times a week throughout the year. [THR]
· Aisha Tyler signs a talent deal with CBS, who now must figure out what to do with her. Otherwise, she'll just wind up in a cryogenic tomb in Les Moonves' office with the rest of his "collected talent." [THR]
· Disney hires publicists and lobbyists to protect embattled CEO Michael Eisner from further eroding his image by "saying things," "doing things," or "making decisions," and to combat the Weinsteins as they fight over Miramax's future. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Revolutions Studios makes a pre-emptive bid for the screenplay All You Need Is Love, a love story set to Beatles songs. The filmmakers are already entering (probably futile, definitely expensive) negotiations to get re-recording rights to the songs. [THR]

· Lisa Kudrow's Is or Isn't Entertainment gets two more years at Warner Bros TV. One day, all the Friends will be moguls! OK, maybe not David Schwimmer. [THR]
· 8-to-12-year-old girls abandon former idol Hilary Duff and her Fame knockoff Raise Your Voice, perplexing marketers. Maybe it's time to target a new demo, hire a Lindsay Lohan lookalike to jello-wrestle with Duff in a commercial, then watch their box office soar. [THR]
· Just Shoot Me creator Steve Levitan and tarnished NBC golden-boy Jeff Zucker kiss and make up, as NBC picks up Levitan's pilot about an "egocentric African-American football star." It's just so sweet when a blood-feud ends in a shower of hugs and contracts![Variety, sub req'd.]
· Kristin Davis is in negotiations to star opposite Tim Allen in the remake of The Shaggy Dog. We know we go through this every time a SATC gal makes good, but is she the slutty one or the gay one? [THR]
· New Line, the studio built on the backs of hard-working Hobbits, tries to stay atop the fantasy game by acquiring the rights to bestseller Jonathan Strange and Mr.Norrell. [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· Director Brett Ratner signs a two-year development deal with 20th Century Fox TV, bringing his hacky, music video-quality visual skillset to the small screen. It didn't seem possible, but Fox just got a whole lot louder! [THR]
· ABC adds Nash Bridges creator Carlton Cuse as an executive producer on their hit Lost. Say what? Don't they usually saddle a show with extraneous EPs when its tanking? ABC must have forgotten what to do when a show succeeds. They'll probably cancel it after they win their timeslot next week. [THR]
· From the circular show development file: X-files writer Frank Spotnitz is developing a Night Stalker remake for ABC, a show that was one of the main inspirations for the X-files. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· HBO gives a script commitment to Sopranos executive producers Mitchell Burgess and Robin Green for their half-hour comedy Powerball, which will follow the life of a lotto-winning family. At least Green is tempering her expectations, admitting, "The Sopranos is the funniest television show I've ever seen in my entire life. That would be an impossible act to follow."[Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Joel Schumacher will direct The Crowded Room, a movie about a man with 24 different personalities. God, we hope two of them are Batman and Robin! [Variety, sub. req'd.]

The Writers Guild has just issued a press release announcing that they've finally reached an agreement for a new, three-year, $58 million contract with the networks and studios. (By contrast, Kobe Bryant got seven years and a reported $136 million to stay with the Lakers. Sure, it's comparing apples and oranges, but WGA West president Dan Petrie Jr. might have squeezed out extra cash if he made it clear in negotiations that he's not staring embarrassing jail time in the face.)

· The FCC wants to fine Fox $1.2 million for their reality show Married by America, which featured "strippers and partyers in sexual situations, including scenes where a pair of strippers 'playfully spank' a man in his underwear and partygoers lick whipped cream off the strippers' bodies." Maybe if Fox head Gail Berman sends a case of Redi-Whip and a couple of escorts over to Michael Powell at the FCC, this might all blow over. And they might get another show out of it, to boot. [THR]
· Danny DeVito and Kathy Bates sign on to star as Ron Livingston's DNA donors in the uptight-guy-hunts-for-wacky-biological-parents comedy Relative Strangers. Yup, still sounds like Flirting With Disaster. [THR]
· The Disney and Miramax divorce now seems all but official. Disney's supposedly sent Harvey and Bob Weinstein a Dear John letter, but the brothers are still pretending that they never got it. Watch for Harvey to downsize the mailroom in retaliation. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Disney acquires Stick It, a comedy about a rebel in the uptight world of gymnastics. We can't wait for the scene where the plucky little gymnast demands the right to menstruate like other girls. [THR]
· John Singleton will direct the revenge drama Four Brothers, in which, um, four brothers dramatically try to get revenge for their mother's death. Mark Wahlberg is in talks to star. Let's hope Paramount goes all the way and signs up Donnie and the rest of the clan for the added verisimilitude that only stunt-casting can afford. [THR]

· Warner Bros. throws in some money to get DreamWorks' Ewan McGregor/Scarlett Johansson movie The Island off the ground. Hope they're kicking in a lot—director Michael Bay's nausea-inducing battalion of cameras and constant explosions can really fuck up a budget. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· NBC looks outside of LA for comedy development deals, vacuuming up NYC-based Upright Citizens Brigade, Demetri Martin, and "New Zealand folk parody duo" Flight of the Conchords. New Zealand what? Was the Naked Cowboy out washing his Speedo when NBC was tossing deals off the top of 30 Rockefeller? [THR]
· Arsenio Hall is apparently still alive, and signs a deal to direct/produce a documentary on the black stand-up scene tentatively titled The Other 23 Hours. [THR]
· Jonathan Prince, creator of American Dreams, will write and executive produce a Tara Reid comedy for Fox Broadcasting. The show will feature Reid as a bad girl trying to change her ways to please her parents and friends. And failing miserably, over and over again. (We suspect the show will be heavy on documentary footage from Reid's life to save costs.) Fox has their fingers crossed that she performs better than she did on Quintuplets this week! [THR]
· Tom Hanks' Playtone Productions tries to milk My Big Fat Greek Wedding one-hit-wonder Nia Vardalos again, as she'll write and star in the adaptation of the novel The Wilderness of Monkeys. [THR]

· Matt LeBlanc is already preparing for the day when he can't pretend to be severely retarded on sitcoms. He's close to selling a drama, The Prince, to the WB, which his company would produce. [THR]
· ABC wins this week's ratings war in the 18-49 demographic. NBC's Jeff Zucker, CBS's Les Moonves, and Fox's Gail Berman will spend the rest of the day randomly firing people and questioning the very nature of reality. [THR]
· News Corp. is planning a sports network to take on ESPN, but the decision is dependent on their negotiations with the NFL for broadcast rights. Don't they already have a sports network? Hello? Fox Sports Network? They have a building on Pico, filled with hundreds of people working on Fox sports network programming? Maybe this means they're all fired and should walk out today. That would be fun. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Tony Scott's Keira Knightley bounty hunter flick Domino corners the market on creepy actors, signing up Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke for its cast of thousands. [THR]
· More Fox going apeshit news: Rupert Murdoch promises to up Fox's production slate from 14 films a year to 20-25. Next year, look for the simultaneous releases of Garfield: The Movie II-X. [THR]

· Yes, we realize this is incredibly boring, but bear with us: International TV market free-for-all MIPCOM is off to a strong, busy start in Cannes with is a "more glamorous and ritzy atmosphere" than previous years. The trades have yet to report if Hollywood execs find the Euro to be a more pleasing a bathroom-tissue substitute than the old French currency, which really produced some undesirable chafing issues. [THR]
· Donald Trump is in negotiations with NBC for scripted drama set in the Trump Towers. It's official: The Donald has officially branded tiny NBC head Jeff Zucker "Trump's Bitch." [THR]
· Troy writer David Benioff will tend to Hugh Jackman's mutton chops in Fox's X-Men spin off, Wolverine. Now Fox needs to keep Jackman off Broadway (and Matt Damon's lap) before he loses all action-star credibility. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· In Bob Weinstein's most recent attempt to acquire the entire Asian film industry's output at pennies on the dollar, Dimension acquires rights to Korean horror film Ryeong (The Ghost). [THR]
· Head FCC snake-oil pitchman Michael Powell was interviewed at halftime of last night's Monday Night Football to sell digital TV to viewers. We hear you could hardly see Sony's hand up Powell's ass, making him tell consumers it's time to spend for an expensive, new TV. [THR]

· Justin Timberlake and Emile Hirsch to star in Nick Cassavetes film Alpha Dog. Getting excited because your favorite pop star is acting again? Not so fast! Box office buzzkiller Sharon Stone is along for the ride. Yeah, Timberlake will probably still sleep with her. [THR]
· Unsurprising news of the Fall season: Joey gets a full season pick-up after three airings. NBC-Uni mogultini Jeff Zucker also threw in three years of piggy-back rides for Matt LeBlanc from his car to the set. [THR]
· Disney gives up on adult movie-goers, vows to stick to the family-friendly schlock they are known for from now on. And if that doesn't work, Michael Eisner is going to grab children by their ankles as they enter Disneyland and shake them until their souvenir money falls out. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Paul Resier is probably not dead: Paul Reiser signs a two-year first—look deal with Paramount TV. [THR]
· The Chris Columbus-directed film version of Rent goes from Warner Bros to Revolution Studios. Two straight days with Chris Columbus news? It's like a really shitty Christmas! [Variety, sub. req'd.]

· SATC's Darren Star gets a script commitment from Fox for a half-hour behind the scenes restaurant series based on the book Kitchen Confidential. Let's hope the term "funky spunk" never comes into play. [THR]
· The relationship between Disney and partner Pixar is likely coming to a sad end. They've "outgrown" one another, according to Disney president Bob Iger. True, the relationship has evolved; Pixar's a money-printing machine and Disney really isn't interested in that kind of thing anymore. [THR]
· MGM puts new Bond on hold while they hunt around for a director. Also, they're probably busy combing all of Australia to find an actor to actually play James Bond and figuring out who to fire when they merge with Sony. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Nothing can stop Chris Columbus, director-lite of annoying confections. He's made a deal with Warner Bros to develop and direct Slanted and Enchanted, a dramedy about a recovering pathological liar with magical elements. So...Liar, Liar meets Harry Potter? That sounds about right. [THR]
· Harvey and Bob Weinstein's Miramax and Dimension get into the CGI game, signing a deal with Wild Brain animation company. Evil, corpulent mogul Harvey just canned everyone he couldn't strang—-Hey! They're making an Opus movie! That's fucking awesome. All is forgiven. [Variety, sub. req'd.]