Worrying about death is bad enough, but now we must worry about who will write our obituaries when we die. This is because crazy obituaries are now officially a thing: if yours isn’t good enough to be shared by people online, well, you’re not only dead, but your life was boring as fuck.

Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick, born January 4, 1935, died last month, to the relief and comfort of the children whom she spent a lifetime (in their words) "torturing in every way possible." Those children, now grown, marked her passing by submitting the most chilling obituary you will ever read to her local newspaper, the Reno Gazette-Journal. While it appears to have been scrubbed from the paper's website, here's the full text, as it appeared online earlier today:

In the middle of the European Renaissance, these fantastic skeleton gods were being constructed in the bowels of Europe's Catholic churches. Los Angeles art historian and photographer Paul Koudounaris found these secret saints in catacombs and storage bins across the old Holy Roman Empire.

Last weekend, the Electric Zoo music festival in New York was cut short after two young attendees died of drug overdoses. This calls for a party!

After initial fictional reports that "marijuana" was the cause of the devastating High Sierra inferno that nearly burned up Yosemite National Park, the actual cause has been found. It was a man shooting wildlife in the forest, and his illegal campfire started the 370-square-mile Rim Fire.

Kachemak Sea Otter, a 23-year-old sea otter who, despite having a cute little face and compact, huggable body, would have watched nonchalantly as you were brutally stabbed to death in front of her, then cracked open a clam on her tummy for breakfast (because her brain was not wired for empathy), died on Saturday at Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. It was sad in the knee-jerk way that something different is often described as "sad"; like when you say "I miss when these walls were painted yellow" but what you mean is "I remember when these walls were painted yellow and now they're different."

It was going to be the greatest outdoor sports spectacle in history: weird giant sailboats racing against each other in the grand natural amphitheater of the San Francisco Bay all summer long, with hundreds of thousands of happy spectators watching from the Bay's 400 miles of shoreline. At least that was the idea when billionaire and Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, after winning the right to choose this year's location for the America's Cup sailing competition along with his victory in 2010's race, chose the bay instead of the more customary open ocean. Instead, it's a giant flop with "races" that usually consist of a single awkward catamaran bouncing around by itself in the fog.

Gabby Williams is eight years old, but looks like a newborn. She is one of only a handful of people across the world who age at an incredibly slow rate, and scientists are trying to figure out why. Once they do, the discovery could help fight Alzheimer's, and even give us an aging "off switch," which would give humans the chance to stay the same age... pretty much forever.

Funeral tech is booming. From alkaline hydrolysis, which disposes of one's remains in the most environmentally-friendly way, to rings with diamonds made of a loved one's ashes, the future is now in terms of personalizing your departure from this mortal coil. Today marks yet another milestone in body disposal: the relatively cheap space burial.

The 14th annual Gathering of the Juggalos is currently underway at HogRock Campgrounds in Cave-In-Rock, Illinois. This afternoon, a body was found in one of the tents camped on site.

Over 120 dolphin corpses have washed on shore so far this summer—seven times the normal amount. Experts say that the number of dead bottlenose dolphins is "very alarming." The strandlings have appeared on shore between New York and Virginia starting in July and increasing over the past two weeks. In Virginia, 64 animals have been found.

Ever since the beginning of the "War on Terror" and its associated actual wars, suicides among members of the U.S. military have been rising. Suicide is now the leading cause of death for soldiers; among veterans, it's just as bad. But a new study says that military deployments are not the cause.

Atlantic Media, the proud publisher of The Atlantic, has launched a new publication: Defense One, a publication whose stated purpose is "To suck the dick of Northrop Grumman." Oh, wait.

Mark Covino and Jeff Howlett's documentary, out on Friday, is simply titled A Band Called Death. It provides a thorough biography of an under-appreciated protopunk garage band that existed on the cusp of punk. They were called Death, obviously. The Detroit band, founded in 1971 by three brothers—David Hackney (guitar), Dannis Hackney (drums) and Bobby Hackney (bass, vocals)—was disbanded in 1977, but managed to record an album's worth of songs in demo sessions. When the band was rediscovered by record collectors, punk obsessives, and underground DJs in the 2000s, the Hackneys were hailed as visionaries.

Psychotherapist Lynne Rosen and her boyfriend, John Littig, who together hosted WBAI-FM's "Pursuit of Happiness" program, were found dead in their Park Slope apartment of an apparent suicide late Monday night. The New York Post reports that the couple appeared to have suffocated themselves with plastic bags.

A sad new study proves that moms are the top earners in four of ten American households. It may seem like a positive thing that these working women are top earners, but it either means the woman is a single mother or that the "dad" is unemployed.

Fewer people die during economic recessions. So that's something.

Support for the death penalty among Americans is hovering around a 40-year low. Nevertheless, enthusiastic legislators from Bumfuck all the way to Hickville are taking it upon themselves to help their states execute death row inmates with greater dispatch.

Memorial Day means many things to many people. It is almost summer, it is a time to drink, there are sales in the hellish big box stores, etc. But mostly, it is a time to solemnly remember military personnel who died while on active duty. Sorry, veterans!

Most children dream of murdering giant alligators, and this fantasy became reality for a suburban Houston high school senior when the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department allowed him to kill an 800-pound gator who had lived for many decades in the relative safety of a wildlife management preserve.