Stars: They're just like us! Their boyfriends have pearls in their dicks! They go grocery shopping with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks! They visit the planetarium with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks! They decide to try a new restaurant with their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks and when they get there the service is really terrible and they're like (kind of annoyed) "Where did you find this place?" and their boyfriends with pearls in their dicks are like "I looked it up on Yelp. It got good reviews" and then they look it up on Yelp and realize that restaurant has two locations. ! Demi Moore's new boyfriend has a pearl in his dick.

On Friday in Los Angeles, a young old woman named Demi Moore sold all her beautiful hair for $20, so she would have some money to buy a fine Christmas present for her husband Ashton. After ransacking the stores for hours, she finally came upon the perfect gift: a platinum fob chain for his treasured pocketwatch.

Everyone knows that after the sun sets on another sizzling Miami day is when things really start to heat up, dale.

Demi Moore is down in Miami this week for Art Basel, hanging out with her post-Ashton catch Vito Schnabel. Like any normal American getting over an embarrassing, trying divorce, Moore was seen last night partying at Alex Rodriguez's house with Lenny Kravitz. At the party she was just being a very cool, totally non-embarrassing mom, who just so happened to be putting on an unsolicited audition for the Twerk Team, YouTube's foremost ass-shaking troupe.

Remember how everyone thought it might be weird for Demi Moore's daughters when she started dating young heartthrob Ashton Kutcher? Thoughts that were confirmed when Rumer Willis casually mentioned in an interview that she'd kept a picture of Ashton Kutcher on her wall before he started dating her mom?

This week's home-video release of LOL marks Demi Moore's tenth straight bomb. The film, which Lionsgate virtually buried during its miniscule theatrical run, took in a reported $46,500 at the domestic box office — about $10.95 million less than its budget. The movie is bad, the reason the Razzies exist.

The scene above is a great indication of how bad noted sex enthusiast Miley Cyrus's LOL is. It's a movie that Lionsgate all but buried during its millisecond run in theaters. In the clip above, Demi Moore bathes with one daughter and chastises her other, Cyrus' character Lola, for having undergone a Brazilian wax, which she brazenly shows off — well, as brazenly as PG-13 will allow. "Maaahm!" is the wost answer you could possibly give when someone asks if you have a Brazilian. Moments later, Cyrus and Moore spoon in bed. So that's how it is in their family.

Update your Twitter address books accordingly — Demi Moore has changed her Twitter handle from @mrskutcher (a reference to soon-to-be-ex husband Ashton Kutcher) to @justdemi. It's not exactly the most exciting development, but for Moore fans horrified by her insistence on keeping an Ashton-related handle, this is the dawn of an important new era.

Sigmund Freud theorized that humans have a death drive, a latent desire for self-destruction. In a media ecosystem rife with celebity death pictures, celebrity death bets, Celebrity Rehab, I'd say we have a culture-wide "death drive," too. The reaction to Whitney Houston's death two weeks ago, reported the day before the Grammys, underscored our obsession with such celebrity tragedies. What would be the Oscars' version of that particular fallout?

Depending on your perspective, Demi Moore had either the most destructive or the most ambitious January in the history of 49-year-olds. Not everyone can pack a penis cake party and a whip-its-related overdose into a single month. But not everyone is Demi.

I really hope someone at the L.A. City Attorney's Office appreciates the asinine logic here. TMZ reports that Demi Moore's 911 call — the one in which a friend said Demi had smoked something "like incense" — was edited to remove specific drug references. Because, you know, that totally makes a difference.

Having gained respect and accolades from women's groups worldwide for her portrayal of militant Redstocking Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker will replace Demi Moore in the part of renowned Playboy bunny Gloria Steinem in Lovelace, the biographical film about pornographic actress Linda Lovelace. The one with Amanda Seyfried, not the other one. [EW; image via AP]

Demi Moore was apparently drinking massive amounts of Red Bull (and forgoing food and drink) before the 911 emergency that led to her hospitalization. The Sun (which, to be fair, just make shit up sometimes) reports:

After Demi Moore's recent whip-it fiasco, it's become apparent that some of you do not know how to use whip-its. If we are anything here at Gawker, we are educators first and foremost. So while I wish Demi a speedy recovery, it is important that you all stop doing whip-its (not to be confused with my favorite butthole relaxant and room odorizer, Poppers) the wrong way. There is a right way to do them and I am here to teach you how. Also, don't be a goober; you should know what a whip-it is and how to do it by now.

Before her reported whip-it induced hospitalization, a "pretty hyper" Demi Moore was also "taking Adderall and drinking energy drinks and starving herself," Radar claims. Whip-its, anorexia, Red Bull, Adderall. It's like she was pledging with a second-tier sorority at Florida State. [Radar, E!, image via Getty]

Nobody seemed to know that Demi Moore was a wild whip-it party monster until she was hospitalized for a rumored whip-it induced seizure this week. Now that we know, though, the tabloids are doing catch-up. Here's all the wild whip-it partying they forgot to tell us about until now:

Monday night, Demi Moore took an ambulance to the hospital because of drugs. Well, her publicist said it was "exhaustion," but, fuck you, we know what that means. So everyone wondered just what drugs she was on. Now we know. It was Whip-Its.

Last night barely divorced actress Demi Moore was taken to the hospital in an ambulance for issues related to substance abuse. We're not sure what the symptoms were or what the substances are, but 911 was called, so it couldn't have been pretty.

Forthcoming Linda Lovelace biopic Lovelace has the most strangely star-studded cast since Bobby: In addition to blue-eyed blonde Amanda Seyfried in the title role as the brown-eyed brunette porn star, Demi Moore will portray Gloria Steinem and James Franco is rumored to be closing in on a cameo as Hugh Hefner.

The first thing everyone on the internet—or everyone on Twitter, at least—remarked when Demi Moore announced her divorce from dangling Chad Ashton Kutcher was, "What is she going to do about her Twitter handle?!" Moore has been known as @MrsKutcher for years, what will she do now? Nothing, so stop asking!