In your bursting Wednesday media column: Conde's hot young tech guy is the second coming, the future of the Conde Nast cafeteria considered, Dennis Publishing's burnout analyzed, News Corp's Rangers bid denied, and Time magazine's cover heavily touted.

Kent Brownridge rumored to have won the Dennis Publishing auction, which means he's now the proud owner of Maxim. It also means he beat out Ron Burkle. [AdAge]

• Conrad Black's fraud trial starts today. [Chicago Tribune]
  

After nearly a year of refusing to comment on "rumors" that it had anything to do with abominations such as Maxim, Stuff and Blender, Dennis Publishing has confirmed the worst-kept secret in publishing: The company does indeed publish those titles, and, as such, is partially responsible for the complete collapse of literacy and standards over the last fifteen years. It is not clear why the company decided to issue its statement and apology at this time—although they are looking to unload all this shit as soon as possible.

• Felix Dennis will never see a broad as costly as a tree. Also, it takes a lot of dosh to get people drunk enough to listen to your doggerel. [Radar]
• On the other hand, anyone who calls Greg Gutfeld "Darth Vader," must have his finger on some kind of pulse. And, look forward to The Week on the web. [Independent UK]
• Judy McGrath is going to be just fine, thank you very much. Buying MySpace is not the be all and end all of running a media empire. Unless, uh, you're Tom Freston. [NYT]
• ABC News reports news that ABC Newsman considers Matt Drudge the Walter Cronkite of our era, excepting for that fact that Walter Cronkite never falsely accused a presidential aide of wife-beating. [ABC News]
• Bob Woodward saves the good stuff for himself and other newspapers who are willing to buy his book in advance of their sell-dates. [NYT]
• Yahoo! not sexy enough for investors, apparently. [NYP]
• Something is happening to press freedom in Canada. We'd be all up in arms if it weren't, you know, Canada. [NYT]

There's a major showdown brewing for tonight: Dennis Publishing brothers Maxim and Stuff will take to the softball field for a fierce battle of Axe Body Wash-scented supremacy. The game takes on a new relevance, however, with the recent defection of former Stuff EIC Jimmy Jellinek to the top of Maxim's masthead, taking with him three former Stuff staffers. Thus the game ensures to be nothing more than a violent grudge match. The question, however, is not whether or not Stuff can win back its pride or if Maxim will smack them into submission — it's whether or not Jellinek will play. As we understand it, his editorial skills may be an asset, but Jellinek's athletic prowess helps no team.

Today in the magazine-branding apocalypse: Dennis Publishing has signed a deal with real estate enablers Concorde Wilshire Partners to build Las Vegas' latest atrocity, the $1.2 billion Maxim Hotel and Casino. To be located on the north end of the strip, this polished bubble of inequity will boast a 60,000-square-foot casino and 2,300 rooms (all featuring Maxim brand comforters and dust ruffles), plus the usual overpriced retailers, pseudo-cool nightlife, celebrity chefs, and the unfulfilled promises of Eva Longoria. Of course, the Maxim Thunderdome's biggest allure will be its luxury spa, where new EIC Jimmy Jellinek will be personally giving hot stone massages; for an extra hundred bucks, he'll also color your hair with the mag's now-discontinued Bleach Blonde frosting kit.

According to WWD, Dennis Publishing will name their in-house golden boy, Stuff mag's Jimmy Jellinek, as Maxim's next EIC, where his throne shall rest high atop a tower of Bud Lights. The choice would make sense: Jellinek's been at Stuff since May of 2005 and put in dues prior to that at Complex, FHM, and Details. That is to say, he knows his charticles from his farticles.

Keith Kelly reported today that Maxim EIC Ed Needham had been canned, though we'd heard that Needham was long considering a farewell tour. Now, just sent out around Dennis Publishing, a clarification:

This email arrived late yesterday:

So just to recap the last 24 hours in magland: AMI shuttered three titles and moved one back to Florida while replacing its EIC, Hachette closed ELLEgirl as a print pub, and we got word that Time Inc. is prepping for yet another round of layoffs. Could there be yet another nail in the coffin of the magazine business this week? Of course there could. Keith Kelly reports today that even one of the few mag execs who seems to be having fun — one with new(ish) products and happy balance sheets — is trying to get out of the game:

• Now, Diane Sawyer and Charlie Gibson will take turns joining Elizabeth Vargas on World News Tonight. We really hope they can work George Stephanopoulos into that rotation, too. [NYT]
• CBS Newser John Roberts decamps for CNN. If your bosses told you they had no idea who'll be the next anchor but they're sure it won't be you, you'd leave too. [Public Eye]
• High-ranking laddie Andy Clerkson grows up and moves out. The Dennis Publishing editorial director will leave his job, summer in Montauk, have a kid, and move back to England. [WWD]
• One of the many companies that isn't buying the Observer: Reed Elsevier. [NYP (last item)]
• NYO on NYT: Ric Burns to produce docu on the Gray Lady, and war gets in the way of Jill Abramson and Maureen Dowd's planned trip to Iraq. [NYO (second and third items)]

Earlier today, we alerted you all to the center of gravity for Manhattan Starbucks, the specific point where one can be closest to all of the island's Starbucks, located "somewhere between 5th and 6th, in between 39th and 40th." While our commenters have pondered the magnitude of Starbucks' reach and whether or not Matt Damon and Barnes & Noble are in on the sinister plot to brainwash us all with Venti Pumpkin Spice Lattes, a source has identified what, exactly, lies at corporate coffee's Ground Zero: DENNIS PUBLISHING.

We may have been so fortunate as to have Wenner Media abort an upcoming celebrity title, but it seems that there's little we can do to stop the international spread of mediocre magazines. Time Inc.'s Real Simple will be launching editions in Greece, Japan, and South Africa, and Dennis Publishing crown jewel Maxim is now launching its 30th monthly kegger in India, where it will be the country's first international men's lifestyle magazine (the venture, we presume, will also indulge Felix Dennis's colonial fantasies).

If our reader survey demographics are any indication, none of you have seen the inside of a Wal-mart in, well, ever, so maybe this is irrelevant, but I thought I'd post it anyway. Wal-mart has decided to remove Maxim, Stuff and FHM from its magazine rack. Dennis Publishing, which owns Maxim and Stuff, reports that Wal-mart accounts for less than 3% of its sales, so it's probably fair to assume that this doesn't mean the demise of babes-n-beer jokes or the ubiquitous "charticles" (chart = article) for those who can't read more than 100 words at a time. The magazines are being removed under pressure from Christian groups who find the covers too "racy." (Wal-mart has also banned specific issues of magazines, refusing to sell one issue of In Style that included an "artfully arranged" photo of Kate Hudson nude.) I'm not one to criticize Wal-Mart for being a massive soul-destroying retail chain, as I think there's something to be said for price efficiencies, but you have to love a store whose policy is "we won't sell laddie mags because god knows what sort of trouble those would start (think of the children!) but we have a special on Remington 500sfree ammo with every purchase!" (Oh, and here's a free John Deere mesh cap as well. You can mail it to your cousin in Williamsburg, where it will be worn with fashionable irony.) Maybe they just need a waiting period for buying lad mags. Force the lads to register! Laddie mags don't kill people; people kill people!
Three racy men's magazines banned by Wal-mart [NYT]
Best values for hunting season! [Wal-mart]