In a tale as old as terror itself, the shocker became the shockee last weekend when an irate diner is said to have sucker-punched Marilyn Manson at an Alberta, Canada Denny's.

Today I saw the following Burger King (@BurgerKing) tweet promoted into my Twitter feed.

Badges in full view and police radios on the table weren't good enough for a Denny's manager in Belleville, Illinois, who ordered five on-duty detectives in plain clothes to stash their weapons in their cars or leave the establishment.

Some 60 customers at a Denny's in Newcastle, California, were pleasantly surprised to learn that they would not be required to pay for their meals — because a mystery woman had already picked up their check.

A 52 year old man was arrested in Madison for strolling into a restaurant, announcing he was the new general manager, and whipping himself up a little dinner.

Remember the KFC Double Down? Sure you do. It was that terrible and probably delicious monstrosity that replaced bread with fried chicken and your arteries with chaos. Well, welcome to 2011, where the Double Down is a thing of the past. Denny's has launched their new, "Let's Get Cheesy" menu, and nary a calorie was spared. Eight of the nine items on the menu have more calories than the Double Down and all can be ordered with "extra ooze." Two oozes on the side, please.

Denny's is spending $60 million to get people to call it a "diner." We'd call it "greasy" for free.

Watch as a group of "sexy" witches, devils, pirates, and elves destroy an Oakland Denny's on Halloween.

Still hungry after last month's 2,300-calorie Mac & Cheese Quesadilla and footlong cheeseburgers? Try the latest American chain restaurant abomination: Denny's Fried Cheese Melt, in which deep-fried breaded cheese is embedded in more cheese, more bread, and fried again.

We have a tie! For now. The actuals will come out soon and one film will beat the other. But now! Ambivalence or equality or peace or something. How perfect, as we stand in the smoky ashes of Freedom's birthday.

Hey, kids: We've noticed you all aren't hanging out at Denny's all night as much as you used to. Denny's wants you back, teenage vagrants! Come meet your "cool" bands, at Denny's! Like Rascal Flatts. You kids like that, eh??

Are you sick of Twitter yet? Probably! But if not, wait patiently because the spunky little messaging service is teaming with a group of Hollywood geniuses to bring you an "unscripted show" that would "harness Twitter to put players on the trail of celebrities in an interactive, competitive format." Yeah.

We won't attempt to "explain" this Denny's commercial, except to say: if that spidery one-eyed banana ever gets within 15 feet of our food, the shotgun is coming out. Click to watch this...thing.