Forget it — we're not even bothering with happy hour tonight. We're going straight for our Dirt Sandwich, a heaving helping of all the entertainment news and scandal that's fit to consume from the busy week behind us. This episode features the uniquely robust flavor of Clay Aiken's truth and consequences, the savory zing of Lohan/Ronson revelations, and a soothing aftertaste of Emmys, Dancing with the Stars and swimsuit legend Sarah Palin. How about some extreme face time with Joe Biden? Hungry yet? Fine — you can have the whole thing, crafted from scratch by Defamer's resident video-delicatessen wizardess Molly McAleer. Bon appetit!

We don't know about you, but were starving. And nothing hits the spot at the end of a grueling week in the mines like a Dirt Sandwich, crafted with loving, homemade goodness by Defamer videographer Molly McAleer. This serving is stacked high with homoeroticism, slathered with Blonsky sauce, dashed with a hint of Sarah Palin and squeezed between two hot slices of Mario Lopez. Garnish with a sprig of Ellen Pompeo/primate-makeout mystery, and serve hot! Now that's living. And because we're generous like that, we'll even share a bite after the jump. Enjoy!

Being a celebrity is hard work — just ask the Republicans! Though they've long claimed to eschew stars, they now have one of their own in Sarah Palin, and the newly minted veep candidate has so much drawing power that she's even crossed over into the world of celeb-focused tabloid television. That bizarre intersection of politics and Hollywood gossip offers a lot to chew on, and so does today's Dirt Sandwich, packed full of delicious ingredients by our intrepid videographer Molly McAleer. Move over, Matt Damon — stars like Meg Ryan, Eva Longoria Parker, and Annette Bening all want a piece of the Palin action! As for the indomitable Cloris Leachman, she may say she's obsessed with John Stamos, but we can tell that what she really wants to know is, "Did Sarah Palin's husband Todd actually wear a wedding veil?" For the answer, let's go to the tape!

Now that those exhausting political conventions are finally over, we can get back to the issues that really matter to hardworking Americans: sex addiction, huge breasts, and plastic surgery! That's right, it's time for another installment of Dirt Sandwich, prepared by Defamer videographer (and viable third party candidate) Molly McAleer. What's her platform, you ask? Why, it's to make sure that ordinary people have access to both universal health care and celebrity clip montages. After all, when that phone rings at 3AM, we need a candidate who knows how to deal with Jennie Garth's dramatic 10-pound weight gain, not one who'll have to learn about it on the job. That's the kind of experience you'll be getting from Molly McAleer on Day One — won't you cast your vote today?

As we wind down this half-day of posting before your Labor Day weekend—summer, she's nearly gone!—we thought we'd pack a little picnic basket for your beach retreats. Can you guess what the main course is? Of course you can! A delicious Dirt Sandwich, lovingly prepared by Defamer video lunchlady Molly McAleer ("One Jell-O per student, buster!"), and full of all the things you love: Mystery plastic surgery mummies! Celebrity sex clubs! American Idol judges in airborne vehicles frequently associated with fiery, accidental deaths! Just promise us you won't go in the water until a good half-hour after consuming. [Watch Video]

Though we may go back and forth on whether we want our MTV, one thing we can all agree on is that we want a Dirt Sandwich. Like your favorite music channel in its heyday, it's packed with pop stars (Britney! Sanjaya!), celebrity antics (Bill Murray skydiving) and even the occasional bit of sobering news (Christina Applegate's mastectomy). And that whole "quick-cut MTV editing" thing? We got that, too. Sit back, put down your remote control, and let Molly McAleer take you on a psychedelic trip through the world of celebrity infotainment that would make even a Radiohead video seem banal. And if you don't watch? Katherine Heigl is gonna point and laugh at you.

Welcome to another installment of Defamer's Dirt Sandwich, our weekly romp through the perilous wilderness of tabloid television. Each week, we task Molly McAleer with culling through close to a dozen hours of television to bring you, the loyal Defamer reader, the best two minutes of hilarious hyperbole that came across the airwaves. This week's episode does not disappoint, as diverse topics like Bernie Mac's death, Tropic Thunder's RetardGate and Manoj Night Shyamalan's public perception woes are covered. So while we've got you, why don't you take a bite and enjoy all the savory salaciousness you can handle. Bon appetit!

Ah yes, the dog days of summer. These are the kind of days where nothing sounds finer than sitting 'round the backyard with a few of your closest chums, tossing back a few cold ones and firing up the grill. But this weekend, instead of cooking up some Hebrew Nationals and a few burgers, might we suggest that you bring all the fixins for a nice Dirt Sandwich instead? The ingredients are pretty simple, and you can't beat the calorie count: all you need is an internet connection, a computer and an internet browser that's pointed right here. If you have a laptop computer and a WiFi connection then, well, that's even better. Gather your friends round the warm light of your computer screen and click play. Because nothing says summer time like topless supermodels, a John Stamos marathon make out sesh and Katherine Heigl's continued emasculation of her husband Joshua. Enjoy!

When the city shook this week, scattering whole herds of TV paragons from their studios in bug-eyed panic, one institution stood firm: Dirt Sandwich. Better yet, the week's greatest hits in entertainment news saw it all, from Billy Bush's pants-soiling to Mark McGrath's penultimate humiliation as the outgoing host of Extra! to the seismic justice rocking Judge Judy's courtroom. And when the Earth stilled, there were Elizabeth Taylor and Miss USA (among others) to give the aftermath a touch of awkward class. Yes, behold Dirt Sandwich, as assembled by noble Defamer videographer Molly McAleer — monolithic, omniscient, sturdy and altogether delicious. Take a bite, won't you?

That familiar feeling is washing over us all again. It's the same feeling that we get at the end of each and every work week. You know what we're talking about. Your brain is tired, your stomach is empty and you're ready for it just to be the weekend already. Well, before you head home to tip back a few root beers, make sure you get a good base going by grabbing hold of this week's Dirt Sandwich with two hands and tearing into it with reckless abandon. Nothing gets the weekend started like Molly McAleer's exquisitely crafted, open-faced look at the wonderous world of celebrity infotainment program. From Christian Bale's arrest for assault to James Blunt's orgy off the isle of Ibiza, you can bet that all of your cravings will be (at least temporarily) satisfied once you let the glory of the Dirt Sandwich wash over you. Enjoy!

If you haven't yet done so this summer, there's no time like the present to pack a few bottles, grab a blanket and head down to park for some fresh air and a picnic. And nothing quite hits the spot like a lovely Dirt Sandwich, bringing you all the cool, replenishing nutrients of the week that was in entertainment news. You could people-watch, we suppose, but face it: The exploits of cursed Sarah Silverman, shirtless Mormon missionaries, "double-dissed" Jon Voight, Miley-courting Coldplay and bad-art magnet Howie Mandel (among other too numerous to mention) just yield too much week—ending deliciousness to pass up. So indulge! Resident culinary genius and Defamer videographer Molly McAleer can always make more!

At the tender age of 15, Miley Cyrus has already amassed more money in her ING savings account than most of us will ever see in our lifetimes. It seems that she's also beginning to amass a bit of what we in the business like to call an a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e, too. Just ask gossip maven (and burgeoning longhaired hippie) Harvey Levin, who nearly spits out an entire mouthful of whatever he slurps out of that beloved plastic sippy-cup of his when one of his young, muscular and totally single lieutenants informs him that Hannah Montana herself no longer uses the first grammatical person in her speech. Moments of levity like these, dear readers, are brought to each and every week as part of Defamer's Dirt Sandwich, which is back after a one week holiday hiatus. As always, the piece is packed with nothing but the freshest clips and is crafted with tender loving care by our own Molly McAleer. Take a bite, won't you?

Nine out of ten talking heads agree, nothing clears your mental palate in advance of the weekend like tearing into a hearty Dirt Sandwich. No matter what happened to you during the work week, Molly McAleer's compilation of the week's best moments from the world of celebrity infotainment will cure what ails you. You get called "oily" on national TV? Try a Dirt Sandwich. You end up in sex tape with Mini-Me? Try a Dirt Sandwich. You set off a brawl between the Paps and the Surfs? Try a Dirt Sandwich. Short of a fistful of paco, nothing will turn that end-of-week-frown upside down faster than a Dirt Sandwich. Enjoy!

If there's one thing you can count on from the hard working journalists who populate the infotainment sector, it's that they will stop at nothing — nothing! — to get you your dirt. That's right, you think that Katie Couric is going to ask Justin Timberland Timberlake if he stuffed his shorts to achieve that bulky package look he's sporting in The Love Guru? Hell to the no! That's strictly the realm of nose-to-the-grindstone warriors like Access Hollywood's Shaun Robinson, who strive every day to bring you the stories that make your world turn. Just imagine where we'd be as a nation if someone as dedicated to the pursuit of truth and justice as Miss Robinson is was around to ask the tough questions about WMDs! But we digress. Each and every week, Defamer's Molly McAleer puts together another episode of Dirt Sandwich as a means to honor these commendable souls who brave fierce junket conditions to appear on our television sets nightly. Never forget, people, never forget!

Undoubtedly, if there's one thing that's weighing heavily on the minds of the fair citizens of our great nation, it's whether or not George Clooney's ex paid a trip to the rack-enhancer. Perhaps even more important than that is the question of whether or not said surgery was the straw that broke the Clooney's back. And while we never got a chance to ask her to answer these riveting questions in person, naturally, one of TMZ's most upstanding cameramen did. As you have come to learn, moments of levity and brevity like this populate each week's installment of Dirt Sandwich. This week, Defamer's resident sandwich artist Molly McAleer held all the salmonella-tainted tomatoes from this sammy and instead crafted a mouthwatering meal made up of only the finest, freshest and locally grown entertainment tidbits. Did Katherine Heigl diss the Grey's Anatomy writers? Are Audrina and LC still fighting? Will Cindy Margolis ever marry again? Remember kids, knowing is half the battle. Enjoy!

With the possible exception of a Double Double with Animal Style fries, nothing goes down better after a long work week like a heaping Dirt Sandwich. Even better? You don't have to wait in line! Much like the ole In-N-Out, Molly McAleer uses nothing but the freshest ingredients when preparing each week's Dirt Sammy. Whether it's watching a makeup-less Tatum O'Neal get carted away by the cops or breathlessly awaiting to find out the outcome of what happened when Universal Studios explodes into flames with Steven Spielberg in the middle of the inferno (!), we guarantee that this week's Dirt Sandwich will satiate your weekly cravings for mental junk food. As always, enjoy!

As Defamer's resident sous chef Molly McAleer will attest, the most difficult part of culling together each week's installment of Dirt Sandwich is not finding material worthy of inclusion, but rather trying to decide which parts to eliminate. This week's episode is no exception; even in a four day work week, this sammy is overflowing with juicy morsels of celebrity detritus. WATCH (!) as Billy Bush nearly drops an s-bomb when he learns about Clay Aiken's impending fatherhood. REVEL (!) in the sheer delight of knowing which celebrity in Hollywood Barack Obama looks up to. CELEBRATE (!) the wonder of TMZ's long-haired broseph when he describes Jodie Foster's erotic shopping trip as "Harsh, dude." Our thoughts exactly.

We love Dirt Sandwich, Defamer videographer and ToDoLogist Molly McAleer's weekly exercise in gossip-TV trash-compaction, for so many reasons. Among them, it gives us a chance to spend some time with Harvey Levin and his team of dude-monkeys over at TMZ, who find not-very-funny things (dental floss, Howard the Duck 2) ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL!!! Also in this installment: Charlize Theron in Secrets of the Casting Couch! Shayne Lamas wields a rod! And more cancer! Enjoy.

If you are anything like us, your brain is total mush by 4pm on Friday. Fortunately, Defamer has the perfect solution to get you shipshape by bar time. That's right, wrap both of your hands around this week's Dirt Sandwich and take a giant, yummy bite. Our fearless and peerless videographer Molly McAleer has packed this week's installment chock fulla tasty morsels that are guaranteed to make your mindgrapes dance. You want examples? How about Entertainment Tonight's tantalizing tease of John Mayer being held at gunpoint? Or Tori Spelling's curious confession to Extra that she's aiming to play a "sexy MILF" in the new 90210? If neither of those made your brain start secreting heavy doses of serotonin, we're pretty sure Sarah Jessica Parker's Frankenstein hands oughta do the trick. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

You know what sounds good right about now? No, besides a few glasses of Glenmorangie. Yep, that's right, a mouthwatering Dirt Sandwich. Defamer's resident Sandwich Artist, Molly McAleer, spent all week combing through oodles and oodles of high-caliber celebrity infotainment programming in search of the tastiest ingredients this side of a fresh crop of salvia. This week's installment features Prince William's rapidly eroding hairline, TMZ's (imagined) kidnapping of Paris Hilton, David Foster's truly brutal verbal pummeling of Idol reject Jason Castro and, of course, Lindsay Lohan's minknapping incident (which, naturally, Dina Lohan chalks up as part of the vast media conspiracy against her eldest daughter). Enjoy!