• Disneyland stays open until midnight for Lindsay Lohan, so that Mickey might get high from her special secondhand smoke. On the darkened riverboat cruise that concluded her evening, Lohan made the happiest place on earth a little more so by blowing rails of Tinkerbell's fairy dust. [MiceAge]
• Diddy now asks that you refer to him as Puff. And if you openly mock him, you can expect the support of onlookers and pedicab drivers. [Page Six]
• At a shop in London, a salesgirl refuses to take Naomi Campbell's credit card; the girl apparently didn't believe it was actually Campbell making the purchase. Campbell stormed out of the store; salesgirl miraculously escapes unharmed. [Female First]
• Brandon Davis is out of rehab; Los Angeles drug dealers stock up in anticipation. [Gatecrasher (2nd to last)]
• Always on the urban beat, Lloyd Grove reports that rapper Foxy Brown is facing misdemeanor charges of harassing her former assistant with threatening emails. Emails? Whatever happened to the hardcore bitchslap? [Lowdown]
• The good news: drooling virgins will finally be able to see Natalie Portman naked. The bad news: they'll have to sit through an entire Goya biopic. [Page Six]
• Elle MacPherson assumes her role as the lead Hot Tuna. [Bloomberg]

Variety reports that the dubloon-counters at Disney have overturned their Pirates of the Caribbean 2 treasure chest and shaken it until another $3.6 million fell out, pushing its record-breaking opening weekend take to $135.6 million. While we are facetiously excited that a balance sheet somewhere in the accounting department of a monolithic media corporation now contains a slightly larger number than it did this morning, we are genuinely enthused that we have been given this second opportunity to improve upon the unacceptably shoddy image of The Bruckaneer that we posted earlier today. Now we can go get drunk without that nagging feeling of having failed the Bruck's fans.

The NY Times' Janet Maslin reviews The Man Who Heard Voices, the soon-to-be-released hagiography of oppressed, misunderstood auteur M. Night Shyamalan, who somehow survived a creative stoning by Disney Philistine Nina Jacobson and took passion project The Lady in the Water to the more nurturing executives at Warner Bros. We've already heard about Night's infamous Valentine's Day flaying at the the hands of Jacobson, but Maslin highlights a far more appalling indignity visited upon the auteur's loyal assistant:

· Cower before the box office juggernaut that is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which "huge tracking numbers" reveal may crush Aquaman's all-time opening weekend record. Still, Disney's head of distribution pretends he's not already designing gloating ads in the trades with room for nine figures trailing a golden dollar sign: "No matter how you answer that question, it can come back to hurt you." Eh, stop being such a pussy and predict a $200 million take! No one will hold you to the figure on Monday morning, we promise. [Variety]
· Now this is one we've gotta see for ourselves: The Princess Bride's Westley will molest Lindsay Lohan in Georgia Rule. [THR]
· Emmy mysteries: How can the voters get it so right by snubbing the now unwatchable Desperate Housewives, yet so wrong by ignoring Lost? [Variety]
· Bafflingly, Crash's multiple Oscar wins did not result in the immediate blackballing of all involved in its production, as those with the most damning ties to the film continue to get work. [THR]
· The remake of All the King's Men will premiere at the Toronto Film Festival, unless Sony freaks out again and pushes it back to do some more "edits." [Variety]
· Yarr, cutesy pirate talk has no place in a trade publication. [THR]

Defamer is committed to assisting its physically unique readers in fulfilling their dreams of appearing in a major motion picture. Prospective fame-seekers interested in sharing screen time with Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean 3, sure to be one of next summer's biggest blockbusters, must be able to "play ethnic," "play small," or "play pigment-free." From the ongoing background casting call for Pirates 3:

A news-light trade round-up for the holiday weekend:
· As we mentioned in this morning's B.O. report, the real superhero at the movies this weekend was Meryl Streep's Ultra-Bitchwoman, with audiences helpless to her soul-freezing inferiority-rays. [Variety]
· A boycott of Disney by theater owners in Spain has been lifted, finally allowing Spanish audiences to see Cars, and wonder for themselves exactly how automotive procreation works during the endless Owen Wilson-Bonnie Hunt flirtation scenes. [Variety]
· Roger Ebert is in stable condition after emergency, cancer-related surgery. [THR]
· CBS wins a slow Sunday with repeats of Cold Case and 60 Minutes, or as they refer to it internally, "walking dead night." [THR]

Yesterday, we threw a question open to you, our far wiser and more cultured readership, as to what the hell was going on with an altered Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest billboard we'd passed several times on Sunset. Someone had stuck an image of a face we've seen wheatpasted around town many times before (whom we always assumed was Jakob Dylan, for some reason), though the heights and scale of this particular stunt finally got us to wonder what it all meant. Many of you pointed us to the answer—it's the work of a street artist named Seizer-One, and the face is his own. Thanks, guys—we'll sleep much better knowing Bob Iger now has the correct information on where to send his stormtroopers in order to deliver some Mickey Mouse-brand street justice to the guy vandalizing their promotional real estate.

The LAT previews the shocking! tell-all! confessions offered in the pages of The Man Who Heard Voices: Or, How M. Night Shyamalan Risked His Career on a Fairy Tale, the forthcoming, shockingtellall volume that details the painful dissolution of the visionary, climactic-twist-obsessed director's relationship with Disney, the movie studio who no longer "got" him, over a difference of opinion over the quality of his script for The Lady in the Water. The Times describes the end of the affair—which Shyamalan's pals cutely called the "Valentine's Day Massacre"—thusly:

E! Online's Megaplex column ventured over to Hollywood Boulevard to interview two of the Captain Jack Sparrow impersonators who work the sidewalk in front of the Kodak and Chinese theaters, who should be seeing a serious spike in income once the new Pirates of the Caribbean sequel opens. We've excerpted a little from Sparrow Number Two, the more openly hostile and territorial Johnny Depp clone:

· The hands-down winner of the most intriguing lede of the day: "Few grown men get as fired up about princesses and fairies as Andy Mooney..." Also, "Magic blingdom" is a pretty amusing title. Is everyone at Variety totally high today? [Variety]
· Bloodthirsty CBS Corp warlord Les Moonves muses about taking baby-steps towards getting into the movie business, with an eye towards eventually crushing Viacom rival Tom Freston's Paramount product. [THR]
· HBO's Lucky Louie pulls in some decent ratings numbers after a week's worth of showings following its low-rated series premiere. [Variety]
· Natalie Portman and Eric Bana are in negotiations to star in The Other Boleyn Girl, a period drama whose lavish costumes will probably afford Portman yet another opportunity to avoid tastefully done cinematic nudity. [THR]
· News Corp wil expand MySpace into countries like France and Germany, where teenagers previously lacked a way to share their favorite Fall Out Boy songs in a web-based medium. [Variety]

No amount of tumbling, multicolor confetti seemed adequate to fully relay Disney's excitement over netting Brittany Murphy to voice previously-thought-to-be-mute Tinker Bell in her upcoming starring feature. Having already spent years honing her voiceover talents playing another animated blond—King of the Hill's aspiring cosmetologist Luanne Platter—Murphy will surely bring some of Luanne's spunky, slutty spirit to her new role as Neverland's mischievous Will o' the Wisp, while helping establish direct-to-video voiceover as a viable path back to Hollywood It-Girl status.

Back in 1997, Disney angered some of its fans by making the outlaw buccaneers in its popular Pirates of the Caribbean ride less rapey, altering it so that its horny bandits were chasing a meal instead of terrified wench tail. Today's LAT reports that the Most Synergistic Place on Earth has once again run afoul of purists by cynically inserting characters from their blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise into the attraction; predictably, Disney officials defend the cross-promotional move as organic and What Walt Would Have Wanted:

Both the LAT and NY Times came up with the inspired idea of casting studio bigshots as superheroes, though the subjects of the two articles have far less interesting powers than a certain caped gentlemen whose heterosexuality is currently under siege. As far as we can tell, Disney "brainiac" Ed Catmull's ability is to be unconditionally loved by all who come into contact with him, while phrases like "It's no secret that it took a long time for Tom and I to work things out," "his reactions are never personal," and "his tendency to raise his voice when he gets worked up takes getting used to," coyly reveal the super-unlikabilty that Fox's Tom Rothman was imbued with after prolonged exposure to a radioactive pile of box office cash.

· Variety assumes Cars will be this weekend's top earner, but wonders if it will beat any box office records, particularly when parents start warning each other of the dark, autopian vision of its ending: [SPOILER!] That the reason it's devoid of any humans is because they're all being ground up for fuel in subterranean farms. [Variety]
· Steven Spielberg tells Sunday Morning Shootout that Paramount was his second choice for DreamWorks' buyout, and that he "would love to go off and make a picture like Capote or George Clooney's Good Night, and Good Luck,"stopping himself before saying, "You know, movies that earn their Oscars, rather than getting nominations because I'm, like, Steven Spielberg." [Variety]
· Former Friends writer and Will & Grace showrunner Greg Malins is joining How I Met Your Mother, where he will school the show's green creators Craig Thomas and Carter Bays on the proper way to describe a blowjob to the writers' room. [Variety]
· Reese Witherspoon's husband is in negotiations to star as the lead in director Kimberly Peirce's first feature since Boys Don't Cry, the Iraq war drama, Stop-Loss. [THR]
· Ratings are up for the NBA finals over last year, with the boost's source suspected of coming from overcompensating, straight men feeling the urge to catch the nearest game after being subjected to an inescapable week of Brandon Routh's suberbulge. [THR]

Yesterday, we shared a gallery of adorable, celebrity-inspired characters from Pixar's much anticipated Cars, in theaters today. The slide show left one car out, however: Tim Cruz, one of Lightning McQueen's most ferocious raceway rivals, whose celebrity voice goes uncredited ("by request of the actor," according to the press materials). Tim's big, gleaming grill tends to unsettle the other competitors, as does his insistence on foregoing the help of a pit crew; citing their "dangerous street mechanics," he instead relies on a regimen of gas tank vitamin supplements. He can usually be seen accompanied by another character, Elroy Hibbard, a menacing white van whose windshield eyes are masked by heavy tinting.

· The MTV Movie Awards are airing now on the East Coast. (9 p.m. for us.) If you haven't been invited to a viewing party, it's much too late—you're watching them alone. And don't look Jessica Alba's televised image in the eye—you're not worthy.
· America's Next Top Model just got some major competition in the reality show catfight department.
· See how the Butterscotch Stallion compares to Lightning McQueen, his Cars counterpart, as well as the rest of the cast of the big Pixar release. (We're digging Cheech Marin's Ramone.)
· The David Hasselhoff comeback is nigh. (And Gnarls Barkley is his inspiration! Who knew?)
· Popbitch teaches us something new: "'Shiloh Pitt' in Swedish translates as 'two pounds of cock'." (Fouth item.)
· And finally, an easy way to eBay your way to Miracle Pancake millions!

Not wanting to rely entirely on Steve Jobs and his Pixar team of anthropomorphizing animation wizards to restore them to their former glory years of profitability, Disney is hoping to open new revenue streams by licensing their characters to an expanded range of products: supermarket dog food, for instance.

The evil promotional procession of The Omen's instantly recognizable triple sixes etched into the sky above Fox's Century City lot late yesterday (see included photo, sent in by a reader who just knocked a millennium off his purgatory sentence) by the studio's infernal biplanes was merely the first stage of their airborne marketing blitz. Another operative informs us that Fox's airborne, fork-tailed terror squad continued down to Anaheim, briefly turning the Magic Kingdom into the Most Satanic Place on Earth:

The ten-year marriage between two global monoliths of mass-market junk nourishment—McDonald's and Disney—will soon be coming to an end, according to the LAT, as the fast food chain has had second thoughts about helping contribute to an America in which hypertension-suffering 9-year-olds shop for back-to-school wear in the "Obese Lil' Miss" section of Wal-Mart. We can't help but feel a twinge of sadness as the iconic arches and ears go their separate ways, however, knowing that it's the last time we'll be able to admire our Captain Jack Sparrow Pull-Back-Motor Haunted Go-Ship while simultaneously gorging on deep-fried chicken byproduct units drenched in the dipping sauce of our choice.

· The NY premiere of United 93 is a huge success! Reports Var: "After the film's devastating final scene, the screen abruptly went dark and a cacophony of loud, uncontrollable sobs could be heard coming from the back of the theater, where many of the nearly 100 family members of 9/11 victims were seated." Universal explores the possibility of rotating the still-grieving family members through theaters across the country, allowing non-NY-based moviegoers the chance to feel the film's full impact. [Variety]
· Former William Morris agents Steve Glick and Gregory Liptsone sue WMA for "artificially reducing the value of the company's stock" by labeling executive bonuses as operating expenses, leading to underreported profits. It's always sad when agents lose sight of why the got into the business in the first place: to fuck over other people, not their own employees. [THR]
· Will Smith signs up for his seemingly tenth job in the last two weeks, will star in the perpetually-in-turnaround project I Am Legend for Warner Brothers. [Variety]
· Casting genius must be acknowledged: Jason Lee will be the voice of Underdog in Disney's live-action adaptation. Still no word on what role will be offered to Lee pal and fellow Scientologist Giovanni Ribisi. [THR]
· Ben Stiller re-teams with the Farrelly Brothers, the zipper-wielding genital torturers who made him a big star in There's Something About The Mary, in Seven Day Itch, a "loose remake" of The Heartbreak Kid. [Variety]