"I'll use any excuse to teach new positions & give advice," tweeted the popular sexpert and Holocaust survivor Dr. Ruth Westheimer earlier this year. And so it was: when she wasn't tweeting about queefs, the rhythm method, the amount of sperm in precum or encouraging men to paint their pensies to coordinate with the holidays, Westheimer twisted current events into excuses to espouse her pro-sex agenda. She writes like a fortune cookie, but at 84 she's never been as wacky or unmissable. Come, let's recount some of the biggest news stories of 2012 with some punny sex advice shoehorned in.

Pope Benedict says that all people—not just male prostitutes—can use condoms> But only to prevent HIV, not for birth control. Thanks for giving us permission, but the only old German we're taking sex advice from is Dr. Ruth.

Ruth Westheimer, the pundit who brought frank sex talk to middle America, stumbles in a discussion on NBC of the dangers of frank sex talk on social networks, calling Facebook "Facelift." Actually, that sounds like a great spinoff site for Mark Zuckerberg to target the over-40 set.