Rip Torn was heroically arrested for breaking into a bank drunk and armed over the weekend. Sadly, he wasn't launching a populist anti-banking revolution; he was so drunk, "he thought he had been dozing in his home." [NYP]

I mean, at what point does anybody think getting drunk and then breaking into banks is a good idea? Once Rip Torn sobers up, he might be able to tell us. Because he got arrested after doing so last night.

Last year we paid tribute to the man who wobbled his way around the convenience store. But this guy just may just take the title away from him. Let's hope he also won a night in a jail cell.

"Your Phone Says You're Drunk." Shut up you stupid phone.

NYPD vows to test DUI suspects faster, unless they have a Police Benevolent Association card.

Bad enough the lady is drinking and driving with only one hand because she's holding a (hallucinated?) dragon in the other hand. Also, her eyes are closed. [Copyranter. Click to enlarge.]

Washington, DC PR man David Bass has a perfectly good explanation for why he was charged with a felony for disrupting a flight: He was all hopped up on Benadryl! He was awake traveling for five three days! He wanted wine!

Whoa: The British Medical Association is urging a complete ban on alcohol advertising and sponsorships in England, home to many drunks. But the media needs that money! Who's more disingenuous here—ad agencies, media companies, or doctors? It's close!

Yeesh! Former singer and current train wreck Amy Winehouse recently spent a screechy, ear-splitting night rapping. It's on video. And it's just awful.

"Those rewrite men—some of them were so drunk!" So begins Gay Talese's entertaining reminiscence on just how drunk the New York Times was, in his day. Mad Men? "Hell. The drinking that went on in journalism was beyond that."

Just like the Hobo New York Times, USA Today now has its own wine club. But! Theirs has "a unique twist." No cliches? No, that's not it!

All MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, Mike Brzezinski, Willie Geist, and their biker-gang of strung-out analysts talk about is getting drunk and high. Here's a video compilation, with Brzezinski staring blankly at the camera and saying "vodka" over and over again.

How many of you are "binge drinkers," meaning you had five drinks in a night once last month? (All you drunks raise your hands). Now, how many of you drove after getting wasted? (Pause). Liars! Science knows.

Danny DeVito was a guest on Letterman's show last night and Letterman took the opportunity to ask DeVito about his most recent episode of public drunkenness.

If you're like "I would only throw up and punch people and scream and start riots and fuck strangers and pass out when I'm drunk and that's the whole point," well, that's not REALLY HARDCORE, is it?
[via Adrants]

Carla Pillo Mote, an executive director at a Philadelphia advertising agency, used Facebook-stalking skills to track down the drunk guy who stole her laptop, tax files, and wallet. Too much information is a good thing!

Ohh Hoda Kotb. The perpetually drunk Today Show hostess was celebrating St. Paddy's day pretty hard on-air this morning. Over at CBS, they were only pretending to drink. Take a cue, Hodes.

Millionaire Japanese pop artist Yoshitomo Nara was arrested by the NYPD this week for drawing on a subway wall. Other "victims" of his precious vandalism took the opposite approach:

Why oh why isn't Barack Obama proud of his hugely important Irish heritage? Wait, didn't you know? The preisdent is 3.1% Irish, and to really annoying Irish people, that is enough.

It may have seemed for a time that Today fourth hour cohost Hoda Kotb was the drunk of the show. But Hoda has now launched a campaign against Kathie Lee, who's conveniently on vacation.