The New York Parks Department has yet to return our phone calls on the official identification of the wet slab of species found along the East River over the weekend. Why? Because they're busy. Apparently, the top priority of this local agency doesn't involve keeping New York City's residents safe from being overrun by mutant creatures subsisting on a diet of infant limbs and household pets. Luckily, Gothamist found one Cornell professor to tell them it's a dog, specifically a small dog "obviously bloated." That's one theory.

Just a couple hours ago we posted a story about how a washed-up varmint on the East River had some locals spooked, but then the New York City Parks department said it was just a damn pig carcass so everybody should just chill with the spooky otherworldly theories about the beast.