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In today's quarterly earnings call, when asked how eBay's business would fare in the oncoming recession, CEO John Donahoe remarked that the company is "a place where you can turn assets into cash in seven to fourteen days." Good times are here again! (Photo AP/Douglas C. Pizac)

Recently anointed eBay CEO John Donahoe thumped his chest over the auction giant's first-quarter earnings. He praised a "diverse portfolio of businesses" as revenues jumped 24 percent to $2.19 billion and earnings rose 22 percent to $459.7 million. The problem: Younger businesses like Skype and PayPal aren't as profitable as eBay's core e-commerce business, which is why profit margins dropped. [WSJ]

Years ago, PayPal was an independent company which fought constantly with eBay to be allowed on the site as a way to settle accounts after an auction was won. Now, years after eBay bought PayPal, the payments service is elbowing out all manner of competition. In Australia, eBay is limiting purchases to either PayPal or cash on delivery — no checks or money orders allowed, let alone rival electronic payment methods. In the U.S., eBay was sued last year for tying PayPal too closely to its online marketplace. How soon they forget: PayPal is aiming to quash an economic freedom its founders, including noted libertarian Peter Thiel, fought for.

A friend of an animator laid off from a recently imploded East Bay videogames startup writes to pimp the newly unemployed buddy's latest venture: selling toast on eBay. But not just any toast — it's toast that will be lovingly sculpted into the shape of each of America's 50 great states. First up? Texas. You laugh now, but you won't think it's such a terrible idea when the recession has you out on the street and your options underwater.

Australian resident Ian Usher plans to sell his entire life on eBay, including his house, car, motorbike, job, and friends. Opening bid on eBay: $1. But buyer beware. Usher hates the goods so much he's prepared to leave them all behind with only his clothes on his back, he told the Sydney Morning Herald. The auction starts June 22.

U.S. Army Master Sergeant Robert McLaughlin's obsession with Augusta Ada, Countess of Lovelace paid off when he found an original watercolor of the young noble, daughter of the poet Lord Byron, for sale on eBay. Widely credited with having created the first computer program, a system of calculating Bernoulli numbers for Charles Babbage's steam-powered Analytical Engine, "The Enchantress of Number" is a dashingly romantic figure. She's made numerous appearances in novels, including steampunk ur-text The Difference Engine by William Gibson and Bruce Sterling.

Oh, look, Valleywag's tipsters came through — 125 laid off at eBay worldwide. [CNNMoney]

Citing a more challenging consumer environment, greater customer-acquisition costs and investor reluctance to pay above-market prices for shares, Goldman Sachs today cut price targets for Internet stocks including Google, eBay, and Amazon by 10 percent. For more reasons why Wall Street is suddenly less impressed with your tech stock portfolio, see Goldman's entire report, embedded here:

Saintly Craig Newmark, whose Craigslist website is a friend to the apartmentless and lovelorn, has a confession to make: As we reported last year, his company helped broker eBay's purchase of a 25 percent stake in Craigslist — a transaction which made him millions of dollars. Newmark made this admission to Sarah Lacy in a Yahoo Tech Ticker interview, excerpted above. This is notable only because Newmark has long peddled the line to gullible journalists that eBay bought the stake out from under his nose without his consent, casting aspersions on the ex-employee who sold the stake along the way. Note how he dodges the key question — did he profit from the sale? According to Valleywag's sources, he did. But we'll give Newmark a pass on coughing up that fact until the next interview.

In the last 24 hours, we've heard that eBay has laid off 40 members from its bloated middle-management ranks and that its PayPal subsidiary has let its entire branding department go. Has Wall Street already gotten word of these cutbacks? We all know how much the market loves "fat trimming," and EBAY is up nearly two points so far today. (Photo by AP/Tony Avelar)

ValueClick's $2.9 million settlement with the Federal Trade Commission of charges it spammed users with deceptive offers was filed in federal court today. While ValueClick publicly announced the settlement terms last month, and gets away without having to admit wrongdoing, the bad news couldn't have come at a worse time. The company also stands to lose eBay's affiliate marketing business next month The company's stock was down 7 percent today, hitting a one-year low at $16.20 a share. Look for the company to start offering free iPhones to anyone who buys 50 shares of VLCK, subscribes to Ladies Home Journal and applies for auto insurance.

Under new CEO John Donahoe, eBay is moving to take its affiliate marketing in-house, a tipster tells us. The auction giant could dump ValueClick's Commission Junction, which currently pays website publishers to direct bidders to eBay's stores, for its own eBay Partner Network. The eBay website is already active, with what appears to be a login for beta testers. eBay Partner Network is also the name of a recently formed eBay subsidiary, according to an SEC filing. Amazon.com has long had its own affiliate-marketing subsidiary, which has turned into a venture to provide all kinds of services to startups. By farming out the work, eBay has lost both a cut of its sales and a chance to play in a field that's a fast-growing part of online advertising.

Who's the richest billionaire in the Bay Area? No surprise here: Oracle founder and yachting enthusiast Larry Ellison, is the 14th wealthiest in the world (which must grate on him something fierce) with $25 billion. Trailing him are a trio of Googlers, Larry and Sergey with almost $19 billion each and CEO Eric Schmidt with $6.6 billion. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, the youngest billionaire is pegged at $1.5 billion and outgoing eBay CEO Meg Whitman, one of only 99 women on the list, has $1.3 billion. Other local billionaires include Steve Jobs, Charles Schwab and George Lucas. Grab the full list from Forbes.

News Corp. overlord Rupert Murdoch may be getting a bit slow in his dotage, but he still knows a good story. Is it a coincidence that three arms of his media empire — the Times of London, Fox News, and the New York Post — have belatedly picked up on Jimmy Wales's bizarre breakup with Rachel Marsden? Marsden was, until last fall, a Fox News commentator, which can only make the tale more delicious for Murdoch: The prodigal daughter welcomed back as grist for the gossip mill. Beyond that, why the onslaught?

Good news, boys! You can finally get a date with Scarlett Johansson, the S&M circus girl of your dreams. Like a firefighter from Staten Island, she's auctioning herself off for charity (specifically, OXFAM). The highest bidder will enjoy not only ScarJo's company, but a ride in a fancy limousine (like a millionaire or something!), the chance to go to the premiere of her new movie He's Just Not That Into You, and (the crown jewel) a note handwritten by the actress herself. I can't decide what will be more awkward: the quiet limousine ride where the fact that you paid for her time is so palpable you can feel it slapping you in the face, or the end-of-date mortification of Scarlett, obviously in a hurry, shoving a little piece of paper into your hand and saying "Uh, here's your note. It says 'Hi'" and then running away. The current bid on Ebay is $205. Ah, the greater good! [Us]

Breaking up stinks. Never more so than when your ex is Jimmy Wales, the unhygienic founder of Wikipedia, right-wing TV commentator Rachel Marsden has learned. Before Wales dumped her via Wikipedia, he left two reeking articles of clothing at her New York apartment. She's now selling them on eBay Canada. Today's contribution to the sum of all human knowledge: Jimmy Wales shops at Men's Wearhouse. Screenshots of the eBay listings:

Did Microsoft price you out of the market when they paid $240 million for for less than 2 percent of Facebook? Lucky for you, there's FaceTag, available now on eBay for just $15,000. The listing, below.

For those of you curious about how Scientology's breakthrough "E-meter" technology will evolve over the next 250 years, the answer is here. On Ebay! An inventive pioneer has returned from the year 2257 with the incredible, futuristic version of the E-meter that will, by then, be as common as television and nicotine in US homes [pictured above: the pedestrian current version, which has nothing on the future one]. After the jump, the exclusive pictures of this once-in-several-lifetimes offer, and a description from the inventor himself. Bidding currently stands at $43. We can't think of a wiser investment.

Seven years after first suing over his "Buy it Now" patents, patent lawyer and MercExchange founder Thomas Woolston finally settled with eBay yesterday. The auction giant announced it purchased three MercExchange patents, ending all claims. [NYT]