Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

Not to alarm you, but forces beyond your control are working right now to limit your right to be bombarded with ads for dick-hardening pills during every televised sporting event and prime time show. Sex-hating Puritans? Even worse: doctors.

Tonight, Anderson Cooper talked with the Best Political Team on Television about strip clubs. Turns out, he does not really know about them.

Sad! Crazy-coiffed, fabulously scandalous Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will not appoint anyone to fill Barack Obama's Senate seat, according to his fun-loving lawyer, Ed Genson. Why? Because Democrats are mean.