RAYMOND, NEW HAMPSHIRE—“It’s horrible! It’s terrible!” shrieked the two men as they staggered through the crowded Tuckaway Tavern, waving a cross and a mirror. “He’s too close to power! It’s a curse from the devil!”
Recent Flint visitor Hillary Clinton really wants you to know that Hillary Clinton (who was recently in Flint) cares a lot about the fact that she was, quite recently, in Flint (Michigan). More specifically, she wants you to know that she was not off mugging it up for SNL like some other candidates we know.
For voters who wish there were a presidential candidate with close ties to Wall Street, the Financial Times has good news: “the founder of the eponymous financial information group criticised the quality of the debate in the presidential race. He said that he was ‘looking at all the options’ when asked whether he was considering putting his name forward.”
The existence and meaning of the “Bernie Bro” will continue to be contested by a bored and desperate political media, but the Tinder Berners, women who attempted to “take over” Tinder with messages of support for Bernie Sanders are for real—real enough that they’re now being banned from the dating app. But what if a single-n-flirty gal decided to chat up horny men about Ohio governor John Kasich?
Major #drama between sad man Jeb Bush and off-brand Dr. Seuss villain Donald Trump! The pair have been feuding relentlessly since the start of the 2016 election, and now Jeb says Trump is a loser, a liar, AND a whiner. And we’ll tell you what Barbara Bush has to say about all of this—nothing. She could not possibly care less.
PLYMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE—Inside of Donald Trump’s rally on Sunday in northern New Hampshire, the press stayed inside of a tiny prison, where they were safe. Surrounding them: haters.
MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE--New Hampshire! Land of granite, and heroin, and many white people unironically enjoying Republican political events.
On the night that the Republican debate in New Hampshire opened with the candidates unable to follow basic instructions, the liberal end of the political spectrum offered up something that at least aimed to be intentionally funny: Bernie Sanders’ expected cameo next to his new impersonator, tonight’s SNL host Larry David.
In what we can only hope was a sign of what’s to come, the ABC GOP debate kicked off with the most bizarre candidate walk-out any of us will likely ever see. Ben Carson appeared to refuse to go on stage, the moderators literally forgot about John Kasich, and both Carson and Trump had to eventually be begged before finally shuffling out from the shadows. This candidate clusterfuck alone almost makes the entire, terrible election worth it.
A simple fact about this year’s Democratic caucus in Iowa is that we will probably never know who really won the Democratic caucus in Iowa.
Last night, failed mail-order meat salesman Donald Trump decided that, tonight, he’d like to sleep in his own bed. Spotting an opportunity to strike, our great Lord above—the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the original mail-order meat salesman in a way, if you think about it—decided to pull some pranks. And now, Trump is fucked.
At last night’s Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton invoked an unexpected figure: Henry Kissinger. “I was very flattered when Henry Kissinger said I ran the State Department better than anybody had run it in a long time,” she said, in an off-hand aside. It wasn’t an endorsement of Kissinger, or really much of anything. It was just a little brag that would have played well in a different room.
When Joe Scarborough asks Rick Santorum—a broken and defeated man who just endorsed Marco Rubio—to name the latter’s top accomplishment in the Senate, you can actually hear air coming out of Rick’s sad chest cavity, a defeated little Eucghhh puff.
