You can thank us later, slackers, felons, children and so forth. [Starbucks]

Oh, hey, what do you know: Sarah Palin has suddenly been cleared of the two biggest blots on her record, and just in time for the election! What amazing timing. First, the Alaska Personnel Board and its independent counsel decided the Republican vice-presidential nominee didn't abuse her power as Alaska governor to have her former brother-in-law fired as state public safety commissioner. Also, Palin released her medical history just as she promised the entire country she would on television, to disprove all those crazy theories about how Trig Palin isn't really her baby. Have you spotted the terrible distortion in all this yet, traumatized 2008 campaign veteran?

The TV news networks have very exciting plans tonight, beyond just calling the election nice and early so you can accelerate your drinking! MSNBC, for one, is poised to bring back its fun, bitchy insanity: Though Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews were supposed to just be "analysts" on election night following their Democratic National Convention bickering, Matthews now says they'll be "hosts." Maybe Rachel Maddow, who has already taken Pat Buchanan in hand, is going to keep them in line. CNN will combat this combustible crew with an actual human transporter, like on Star Trek, reports the Wall Street Journal:

Network news divisions got skittish about calling presidential elections following their colossally terrible performance in 2000. In case you forgot, they all called Florida for Al Gore, then uncalled it, then called it for Bush (following in the trustworthy footsteps of Fox News!), then uncalled the whole election. Their newfound prudence was rewarded in 2004 when leaked exit polls said John Kerry had the whole thing in the bag (oops). But this year the TV guys have their swagger back. Here's a CBS News executive telling the Times why California can suck it:

Adorable Republican stronghold Dixville Notch, New Hampshire held its annual midnight election, and is officially terrorist for That One. Barack Obama's RESOUNDING 15-6 victory over John McCain is the resort village's first vote for a Democratic president in 40 years. And yet Ben Smith of Politico thinks it's too early to call the whole election for Obama. What do you think the commenters have to say about that?

This. Fucking. Election. (via)

It was around 8 am this morning, John Heilemann reports, that Barack Obama first learned of the passing of his grandmother, a longtime guardian central in his upbringing. The Democratic presidential nominee maintained his composure throughout the day, including during an enthusiastic speech in Jacksonville, Florida. But he could not contain all outward signs of grief tonight at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. After a break in a rain storm, Obama delivered a speech that, in part, eulogized his grandmother. It would be hard, in the attached video, to see that this remembrance moved the candidate to tears, but for some dabs of the cheek, so steady and familiar was the candidate's rhythm as he spoke.

Resident Democratic strategist Peter Feld has been telling Obama supporters not to get too cocky all during the campaign (a former Dukakis adviser, he knows a thing or two about how Democrats can blow elections). Tonight, he takes a look at the final round of polls and the voting schedule and concludes... well, we don't want to jinx anything, but if you're an Obama supporter, you might just want to be near a TV at 11 p.m. tomorrow night. 7 p.m.

PRWeek got predictions about the election from 30 flacks around the country. One (1) of them predicted a McCain victory. So be sure to hire Nick Kalm of Chicago's Reputation Partners for strategic counsel on how to horribly embarrass yourself in any large, public group! "Regardless of who wins, however, the level of partisan rancor will be so high, it will make people long for the 'good old days' of Bush's second term," he says. Okay, just for that we will print his entire god damn answer below:

Last week we had a very clear piece of advice for human campaign prop Joe "Wurzelbacher" The Plumber: get to plumbing! All this hype he's getting as a McCain hack isn't worth shit except free advertising for his core business of Roto-Rooting. But Joe has failed to heed our warning, surprisingly. He's broke, and he's not afraid to complain about it on national television shows such as the respected Inside Edition! Thank god those mysterious checks that appear in his mailbox regularly are at least temporarily offsetting the freeloading Obama supporters trying to take food off his family:

Here, you see, an ad agency employee named Tor Myhren has designed a poster that asks the question: What if Barack Obama was a white dude named Chet who probably calls his girlfriend "Lovie," and John McCain was an elderly black man? I'll tell you what: McCain rallies would be much more interesting. It's a neat poster, but don't let it fall into the wrong hands (the hands of South Carolina). Larger version after the jump? Okay:

"I don't have a specific reference in the rules that would make it ineligible." [MSNBC, second item]

"Thin ties. Well-turned-out men. No sloppiness." [Times]

Neocons the nation over got a little thrill up their legs this spring, when News Corporation overlord Rupert Murdoch said he might uncage the editorial-page pitbulls at his Wall Street Journal to issue presidential endorsements for the first time since Herbert Hoover was president (!). Sure, newspaper endorsements are useless in presidential races, but the Journal's frenzied rantings would have been kind of fun to read, assuming they did not give you rabies. But when the Journal issued its big McCain editorial this weekend, it was just all, "Meh, he's OK."

John McCain was reasonably funny on Saturday Night Live last night, but the show's most entertaining moments came during Tina Fey's Sarah Palin impression in his opening sketch. One was a joke about Palin's $150,000 wardrobe, the other about how she wants to run in 2012. It's funny because Palin's a terrible, out-of-control pick of a running mate and because McCain is broke and doomed. Ha.... ha? In the attached clip, McCain says the SNL gig was to "humanize" him with people who don't watch Meet The Press, but instead it's already being read as a "big... 'fuck you'" to Palin. Credit should probably go to Fey: She's a charmer but will most definitely cut you. Sort of like Palin. Sketch highlights are after the jump.

CNN just loves to hep it up on election and convention nights by "hosting" bloggers, corralling them into a blogger pen where they can feel like they might actually be part of the MSM, if only for a night. November 4th will be no different—New York dating columnist Julia Allison has already Twittered that she'll be there, unwittingly proving once again how ridiculous (and ridiculously all-inclusive) this little gathering is. After the jump, see the invite to "select bloggers" promising "wireless Internet access and small TVs... And of course, there’s complimentary food and open bar throughout the evening."

Neocon Times columnist Bill Kristol was of course acting smug and cute last night on the Daily Show, since that's basically his gig: Smarmy right-wing fish in left wing ponds. But he just didn't seem to have it in him to truly bait the other side. He declared John McCain would triumph on Tuesday but, wait, ha ha, it's just a joke of the make-a-Daily Show-audience-heckle-me variety, and Kristol admitted as much (and did succeed in getting booed).

Presidential elections aren't just about the candidates; they're about all the random crazy people only tangentially related to the candidates and their campaigns, the ones who are hyped into momentary superstardom by political reporters desperate for storylines. Or by the candidates themselves, desperate to deflect attention. The question for these random people is, how to capitalize on this brief and undeserved moment of fame? Joe the Plumber is determined to become a country music star! And he's just one of multitudes. We're here to help, fame whores! After the jump, we tell the incidental stars of this godforsaken election cycle what they should do with their lives after November 4, so that they may not be forgotten:

The presidential campaign has been going on for, what, 10 years now? The sad campaign reporters are all about to collapse. Take CNN's Candy Crowley, who writes the following on a Post-It to look at as soon as her three alarms go off and she wakes up, weary and confused: "What city is she in? What time zone? What time does she have to be out of the hotel room the next morning? What day is it?" Crowley pleads with a New Republic writer (do follow that link, it's an awesome story) that she just wants. To go. To a simple. Grocery store. Please! And the New Yorker's Ryan Lizza described a harrowing scene on board Barack Obama's stinky airplane:

So not only did Barack Obama avoid making a terrible GAFFE on the Daily Show, he was actually much more engaged and funny than a written summary of his comments by elitist pool reporters would lead you to believe. The Democratic presidential nominee's 6-pointish lead didn't leave Obama cocky, but did relax him enough to joke about being a Kindergarten socialist, libtard propagandist and half-redneck Frankenbitter who won't be able to cast an Obama-Biden vote without imploding. His guest-editing stint on Wonkette starts Thanksgiving Eve, drunkenly. (Click the video icon for excerpts.)