If our planet's increasingly extreme weather isn't caused by man-made climate change, then it stands to reason that it's actually caused by man-made supervillains using government technology to take American Freedoms with superstorms like Monday's mile-wide monster tornadoes.

The entire history of the environmental movement can be best explained as "some humans trying to fix or at least slow down what all the other humans are doing." A new report from the Ocean Conservancy says 560,000 people volunteered to pull garbage out of the seas last year, and they got a huge haul of toxic crap!

Who hates manatees? Sea cows, mermaids, whatever you want to call them—these massive, slow, people-loving warm-water swimmers are naturally adorable and devoid of natural enemies. But hundreds have died already this year, and deregulating Florida lawmakers could doom the rest today.

Bitcoins, the currency of the future (the future dominated by the dickhead Winklevoss twins), while an annoying Libertarian fantasy, would at least not end up destroying the environment, right? How much harm can it do, really?

The overworked and poisoned bee slaves that pollinate the almonds for your vegan milk are still dying en masse.

Austria-based, German-owned supermarket chain Billa, known for advertising itself as the "common sense" grocery shopping destination, has sparked an online uproar over its sale of plastic-sealed trays containing pre-peeled bananas.

The Antarctic region is losing its glaciers to global warming, but now comes evidence humans are helping erode the ice masses in a more direct way: Chilean authorities arrested an entrepreneur for making off with five and a half tons of the Jorge Montt glacier in Patagonia.

Congressional Republicans forced the Obama administration to expedite its decision on constructing the Keystone XL pipeline late last year, and today they're getting their answer: No Keystone XL pipeline. Our president has abandoned the oppressed Canadian tar sands, who only ever wanted a one-way ticket to Texas and the chance for a freer, more refined life.

The person or persons behind the so-called "Climategate" email hack two years ago are at it again: A second trove of roughly 5,000 emails to and from climate researchers at Norwich, England's East Anglia University has popped up on the internet.

Lefty protesters have scored another (temporary) victory: The Obama administration has decided to delay its decision on building the Keystone XL pipeline until, most likely, after the next election.

We all gasped in amazement at photos of a black rhinoceros being airlifted upside down to an area of South Africa where it stood a better chance at reproducing. Inconceivably, a new report suggests there's no other rhinos for it to reproduce with.

It's a bleak landscape for the mighty black rhinoceros. The WWF announced this week that 353 of the endangered mammals, whose horn is incorrectly thought to have cancer-curing powers, have been poached this year alone, already exceeding the number poached in 2010. Current estimates put the total population of the species at 4,240.

The Taurunga oil spill off the coast of New Zealand unleashed 2,500 barrels of heavy fuel into a fragile ecosystem, coating thousands of local seabirds in oil. This puts many of them — particularly the mind-meltingly adorable Little Blue Penguin — at serious risk of freezing and/or being poisoned to death. We know, we know. After today's news from Ohio, there's only so much animal suffering you can take. But you can actually help, particularly if you know how to knit.

Japanese toilet maker Toto has invented the world's first Toilet Bike, which converts human poop "harvested directly from the driver" into biogas, Treehugger reports.* The seat is a toilet, so if you ride it with your pants down, you could theoretically defecate while you ride, thereby fueling it.

As college kids gather in New York for the Occupy Wall Street protests, a group of students in southeastern Florida have a different cause they're fighting for: They're pushing for a ban on noisy leaf blowers.

Do you sometimes wish you could shrink your pet crocodile just a little, to make it less frightening and threatening to your family's safety? Sadly, you'll have to make do with your oversized pet for now, but the Americans of the future (if there is a future, ha!) might enjoy smaller crocodiles and other cold-blooded pets thanks to global warming (which isn't actually real).

The Obama administration may have kneed environmentalists in the nuts with its decision to delay a policy rehaul on air quality standards until 2013. But that doesn't mean that measures aren't being taken to protect what's left of the atmosphere. That's right, folks: The U.S. government is rolling up its sleeves and taking on the real enemy. No, not oil and coal processing plants, but rather the children who had the bad luck to grow up living near them, and face of lifetime of wheezing for doing so. Target: asthma inhalers!

Congratulations Texas: You're officially hotter than a humorous image conjured by an ill-chosen newspaper headline.

While much of Southern California is currently faced with the prospect of having to get by with 0 watts of electricity, a single company in the same state is sucking on 260 million watts of the stuff continuously, or a quarter the output of your average nuclear plant. That company is Google.

The great Texas Governor Rick Perry has smartly aligned himself with Galileo Galilei, that Renaissance maverick who famously took on the scourge known as "the scientific community." And we could surely use Galileo's science-debunking savvy now more than ever, huh, Rick? What with Dr. Alun Hubbard — who purports to be a "leading glaciologist" (whatever THAT is) — claiming that Greenland's Petermann Glacier has all but melted away faster than anyone could ever have predicted.