europe

Science: Europeans Got Whiter

Hamilton Nolan · 03/11/14 04:29PM

Recent DNA analysis by anthropologists, archaeologists, and geneticists shows that Europeans of 5,000 years ago were "more darkly pigmented" than today's Europeans. Who can say for sure? [Photo: AP]

Scandinavians: Debt Whores

Hamilton Nolan · 01/14/14 12:04PM

Those precious Scandinavians, with their reputations for probity and craftsmanship and good working order. Do not be fooled. Behind the veil of Scandinavian tidiness lies a region rife with DEBT ADDICTS.

Drinkers These Days Love Disgusting Flavored Booze

Hamilton Nolan · 09/18/13 08:50AM

America, as a nation, is as drunk as it's been in a long, long time. We are seriously fucked up. We have a problem. It was bad enough when we were guzzling mouthwash and rubbing alcohol. Now, we've turned to something even more revolting: "whipped cream vodka."

Bejeweled European Skeleton Gods Discovered By "Macabre Art" Expert

Ken Layne · 09/10/13 12:00PM

In the middle of the European Renaissance, these fantastic skeleton gods were being constructed in the bowels of Europe's Catholic churches. Los Angeles art historian and photographer Paul Koudounaris found these secret saints in catacombs and storage bins across the old Holy Roman Empire.

Hamilton Nolan · 09/03/13 03:32PM

"The average height of European males increased by an unprecedented 11 cm between the mid-nineteenth century and 1980." Who needs an empire, when you're tall?

The Broke European Countries Aren't Having Babies

Hamilton Nolan · 07/26/13 02:52PM

Goofus—the European countries that spent like drunken sailors and then saw everything evaporate in the recession— is so depressed he can't even get around to having a baby. But Gallant— the countries that were relative models of fiscal rectitude— has no trouble making babies, if you know what we mean.

Smoking in Europe Is No Longer Cool

Hamilton Nolan · 07/11/13 09:04AM

Once upon a time in the Good Old Days, "Europe" was a sophisticated land across the sea full of jazz musicians and sexually adventurous women, and all of them were smoking cigarettes sexily like there was no tomorrow. Those days are dead now. Europe is on its way to becoming just another sanitized smokeless place that sells chocolates.

Europe Is a Creaky, Leaky Ship

Hamilton Nolan · 05/15/13 10:14AM

The U.S. of A got some great economic news this week: our national deficit is way smaller than expected (for the moment)! Hey, Europe, how are you guys doing over there? *snickers* Good? No?

Last-Minute Cyprus Bailout Will Shut Down Bank and Tax Biggest Accounts

Max Read · 03/25/13 07:22AM

A late-night agreement between European finance ministers and the government of Cyprus will keep Cyprus in the eurozone and bail out the struggling island nation—by levying an enormous one-time tax on the biggest deposits in one of its banks. Under the deal, the Cyprus Popular Bank, or Laiki, will be divided into a "good" bank and a "bad" bank; the Goofus will be slowly wound down and closed while the Gallant will be folded into the country's largest bank, Bank of Cyprus. Deposits of over 100,000 euros in both banks will be subject to a haircut of as much as 30 percent—but unlike last week's controversial proposed plan, this deal will not tax smaller depositors. The Cyprus bailout deal has been difficult to reach for a variety of reasons, chief among them the country's desire to preserve its banking sector, the engine of its economy, and the eurozone's desire to punish the Russian oligarchs widely believed to be the largest depositors in Cyprus' banks. ("In my view, the stealing of what has already been stolen continues," Russian President Dmitri Medvedev said in response to the latest deal.) This bailout agreement should allow Cyprus to (sort of) remain in the eurozone (against the wishes of the majority of its citizens; "luckily," no one in Cyprus is voting on the package) and eventually recover its banking income without directly taking money from the little guy—but years of enforced austerity will hurt him just as badly. No one's happy. At least they're less unhappy than they were last week? [Telegraph | QZ | Reuters]

Are You Eating Horse? Europe's Growing Horse Meat Scandal Explained

Max Read · 02/19/13 04:26PM

Nestlé, the largest food company on the planet, announced today that it's recalling some of the beef pasta meals it sells in Spain and Italy. The reason? The "beef" contains horse DNA. And Nestlé's not the only company. Nearly all of the U.K.'s biggest supermarkets and many of their suppliers have been forced to remove horse meat fraudulently labeled as beef from the shelves as more and more companies are implicated in the widening scandal. Where's the horse meat coming from? How is it getting into the beef? Has the United States' supply been compromised? We've got the answers.

Europeans Hate Cars

Hamilton Nolan · 02/19/13 03:25PM

Europe, an expensive overseas cooking school populated by pussies, is still busy finding ever more outrageous ways to offend American sensibilities. First, it was the whole WWII thing, which we had to go straighten out ourselves. Then there was Monty Python. (Was he making fun of us? I think he was making fun of us.) And now, these Eurotrash types are too good to buy cars, all of a sudden.

America Has the Worst Economy Anywhere Except for Everywhere Else

Hamilton Nolan · 11/12/12 11:34AM

In Spain, some banks have stopped evicting some broke homeowners, following multiple suicides. Spain is now full of formerly middle class homeowners adapting to newfound homelessness. In debt-wracked Greece, an austerity budget has yet to produce hope. Things are so bad in Portugal that citizens are fleeing for the more promising shores of Mozambique. Germany, Europe's only savior, is facing its own economic slowdown. A possible source of relief is hard to find. In Japan, a recession looms.