Which of the following is the correct response to this video of Chris Brown pantomiming sex, then licking a lady's face and knee?

Remember Michael Kevin Lallana, the 32-year-old financial executive from Fullerton, California? You know, the guy who jerked off in a co-worker's water bottle at least twice because he had the hots for her? He was sentenced to six months in jail back in April, and yesterday he got off with a not-so-stiff fine:

It won't be long now before we get the answer to that ancient riddle, "What's an appropriate sentence for a man who ejaculates into his co-worker's water bottle for his own sexual gratification?"

Uh-oh! Dilemma in Iraq: What should be done about the artifacts left behind by Saddam Hussein's regime? Such as, oh, I don't know, say, the 605-page Qur'an written in Saddam Hussein's blood?

Ben Wilson is a London street artist. In about as literal a sense as you can get: His art consists of miniature scenes and designs painted on used, discarded chewing gum—those petrified black spots littering city streets.

A woman in Shenzhen City, China, apparently had her anus sewn shut "with black threads and needle" by a midwife who hadn't received a good tip. The midwife claims she simply sewed up a bleeding hemorrhoid. Please: Tip your midwives.

This is Michael Kevin Lallana of Fullerton, California, a 31-year-old financial representative at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. He is also, according to the Orange County District Attorney, a sex offender who put his semen in a co-worker's water bottle. Gross.

A Pop-Tarts "cafe," featuring a 30-item menu including "Pop-Tarts sushi" and a build-your-own pack vending machine, will open in Times Square on Tuesday. Yes, you read that right: Pop-Tarts sushi. We have suggestions for more menu items!

A man has been accused of spraying bottled semen onto the backs of shoppers in Maryland. And then taking pictures. As one resident put it: "Oh, that's nasty. Oh, that's really not good. That's disgusting."

Dumpsters that have been converted to pools will be placed along Park Avenue between 40th and 41st streets this summer, so if you're looking to dispose of a body in midtown you should probably check inside the dumpster first. [NYT]

Using social media for pornography rather than incoherent rambling, Courtney Love posted pictures that reveal her breasts and lady area on Facebook. Also, there is this one of her being spanked by her twin sister, transsexual plastic-surgery lover Amanda Lepore.

69-year-old former senator Al D'Amato has had negotiations with his 41-year-old wife, and come spring, a baby will pop out! Congratulations, Fonzie! Also, ewww. [NYP]

Attention, anyone looking for a pretty easy way of making $30 an hour: