So, the Nigerian man detained Sunday for locking himself in Northwest Flight 253's bathroom for an hour, two days after some other Nigerian tried to blow up the same flight? Definitely not a terrorist. Just a remarkably inopportune bathroom break.

• Britney Spears is supposedly furious with her mother over her upcoming tell-all, which accuses the pop star's former manager of grinding up pills and sneaking them into her meals. She should be in a better mood, however, after she reads all the positive reviews from her appearance on the VMAs last night, where she kicked off the show and later won three awards. [P6, NYP]

Last week's debut of Defamer Answers seemed to go reasonably well, with our survey of the phenomenon that is The Jonas Brothers provoking rich discussion among fans, enemies and baffled cultural observers alike. This week's edition finds us contemplating a far less-heated subject whose profile is surging nevertheless: Courtenay Semel, an entertainment industry scion and B-list lesbian whose exploits have landed her everywhere from reality TV to the interior of Lindsay Lohan's pants over the last three years. But her recent detention in Vegas after a drunken, assaultive visit to Caesar's Palace is what really compelled our consideration here: Who is this Hebrew hellcat, anyway? After the jump, learn everything worth knowing about Semel's climb to sort-of fame.I. KNOW YOUR SEMELS Courtenay, 28, is one of three daughters born to billionaire ex-Warner Bros/Yahoo! chief Terry Semel and Jane Bovingdon Semel, a former secretary to Susan George. She attended the Loomis Chaffee School in Windsor, Conn., before abandoning education for... we don't know. This is a historical gap we have yet to fill in; suggestions are welcome. Regardless, she's clearly been doing some philosophizing over the decades, culminating in the powerful declaration of principles held forth below: II. KNOW HER CANON Courtenay got her start in 1991, portraying the crucial role of "Bratty Kid" in the Bruce Willis flop Hudson Hawk. Her 2000 follow-up — the never-released indie thriller Sweetie Pie — is best known for a cast also including Paris Hilton, Whitestarr vocalist Cisco Adler and the offspring of Dustin Hoffman and Kelsey Grammer. Her "break" (and all of ours, really, if we're being honest) came when she was cast alongside childhood friend Kourtney Kardashian, George Foreman III, Fabian Basabe, Brittny Gastineau, Shanna Ferrigno and other nepotism all-stars on the 2005 E! series Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. The show featured Courtenay and Co. skipping the boilerplate South Beach coke getaways for a bit of reality-TV ranch-handery. Sadly, due in part to reasons listed below, it was not renewed for a second season. III. KNOW HER ACCOLADES Courtenay's otherworldly bitchy contribution to FR:CD was roundly commended by critics who cited her distinctive look ("like an overfed mutant chipmunk") and her performance as a "brattier, PMS’ing version of Haley Joel Osmond [sic]" — outmaneuvering even Basabe as the worst human being the show had to offer. Word is her father was happy with the performance in Hudson Hawk as well, but as of press time he has not responded to Defamer's requests for official comment. IV. KNOW HER STYLE Spoiled lipstick-lesbian chic, at once aggressively designed and thoroughly disposable — all spangles, trash, heels and hair.

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will be tying the knot in California tomorrow. Portia is expected to wear a Zac Posen gown in front of their 20 guests. [Us, P6]

• Raffaello Follieri might be in the process of negotiating a deal with the feds, which would put him in prison for five to 6 1/2 years instead of the nine-year sentence he could face if he's convicted by a jury. [NYP]

1) Miguel Forbes took a cruise to Sag Harbor aboard the family-owned Highlander, along with Alejandro Santo Domingo, Dan Abrams, Dave Zinczenko and Melissa Milne, Elle Macpherson, Stella Keitel, Craig Spitzer, Fabian Basabe, Sessa Von Richthofen (pictured, right) and Richard Johnson. [NYSD/PMc]

Faux Ecuadorian socialite Fabian Basabe has an explanation for that arrest a few weeks ago in Los Angeles for unzipping his pants in a dark alley. As you may recall, the former New York resident was arrested for peeing behind an alley outside LA's Crown Club, which his lawyer at the time attributed to Basabe's "bladder problem." The story has changed, it seems! "I was NOT peeing against a wall, and most importantly, I did NOT have my pants down at any time," Basabe tells Paper. Oh, and don't expect him to be sending any roses to Richard Johnson any time soon: "Gossip columns lack so much integrity today," he tells the downtown mag. No, integrity is getting ejected from a club in the Hamptons for using the N-word, lying about just about every detail from your past, making regular appearances at gay clubs while claiming to be straight, and trying to pass yourself off as rich when your dad is, in fact, a bankrupt motel manager.

Haha. Known annoyance and suspected gay Fabian Basabe was arrested in Los Angeles on Wednesday night. For peeing. The sometimes Paper magazine blogger was allegedly going wee behind a trendytit club when some nasty old coppers (to whom he was "verbally abusive") showed up and didn't approve. Basabe, who, conveniently, had a warrant out for a previous DUI, was released on $85,000 bail. His lawyer blames a "bladder problem." Which just goes to show you that people would rather be the public face of pissing-pants disease than face John Law. Good luck with your demons, Fabian. [P6]

Fading "It" boy and Paper magazine blogger Fabian Basabe has, in case you were wondering, been on television before. He was on the E! channel's! mega hit Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. (::blink, blink::) Haha, yeah! Um, but he's doing it again! Being on TV, that is. And this time foreal. Reportedly he's been shooting a reality show pilot called, ahem, The Mean Boys that chronicles his hilarious misadventures with other, uh, mean...boys... Jose Ortiz (who writes for Miami's Ocean Drive magazine) and Nick D'Annunzio (who is some sort of publicist.) This is funny because Fabian, though married to a lady who has a vagina and breasts and everything, is more than likely one of those modern "homosexuals" you keep reading about, and a show called Mean Boys about boys who are mean is very, very gay. Am I right or am I right over here? Whatever. I'm just excited for the scene where Fabian tells Jose to eat those crazy Swedish candy bar things that will make him fat and then Nick feels his boobs and tells everyone it's raining. [Gatecrasher] After the jump, a fun Mean Girls related video!!

Washed-up socialite Fabian Basabe is not just sitting around reflecting on his days of being a chandelier-swinging it-boy; He is "forging relationships that will forever change the face of humanity— literally and figuratively." By slapping his face on promos for Alessi Skin Care products! One of which is aptly called "Starblaster." The wildly exaggerated and hilarious press release explains the connection between Basabe and victims of gang violence—It's not what you might hope.

Julia Allison may have finally met her match. The Star magazine talking head was seen in tears last night at Tara Subkoff's party at low-ceilinged downtown club, the Beatrice Inn. (Party photographs are on Getty Images.) Allison is pretty thick-skinned, her ambition undimmed by the abuse she's received from blogs and former boyfriends. But other party-goers, who included maybe-gay socialite Fabian Basabe, saw her traumatized by a half-hour lecture from Hud Morgan. The belligerent Men's Vogue writer accused the "craven self-promoter" of dragging other people into her bad press. The talking bosom's plaintive response? "I'm a dating columnist. It's what I do. People don't give Candice Bushnell a hard time. Why is everyone so mean to me?!" Why, indeed? (The answers, which include a red scarf, and teen starlet Leven Rambin, after the jump.)

Faded it-boy and friend to all races Fabian Basabe knows Oprah, good people, and he will not have you bad-mouthing her. From, ugh, his blog:

Paper magazine blogger and faded it-boy Fabian Basabe is still really enjoying his new adopted hometown of Los Angeles. Did you know that it's sunnier there? "When in New York City, people are struggling with the incoming cold weather, meetings, sirens and crowds, while everything is so pretty out here in LA! People are genuinely happier and I mean... why not? Everyone is good looking! And on my part, today I had a killer meeting about a new show concept, ate lunch outside, and came home to sit in my jacuzzi for 45 minutes and now I am watching TV while trying to focus. Not bad right? Work AND play! And did I mention everyone is good looking in LA?" Careful, Fabian: Before you put your money down and buy a car, consider that all the stars who never were are selling cars and pumping gas. [Paper]

Faded it-boy Fabian Basabe has left our city for his true spiritual home, Los Angeles, and he's finally stopped "furniture shopping, car shopping and well... tanning" long enough to update his Paper magazine blog. But now he's encountering some culture shock! At a recent awards show, he was confronted not only by fashion faux pas like the aforementioned "experimental, unknown sneakers" that "even the boys from 'NSYNC would have ditched," he also faced "an extravaganza of sushi next to pasta next to cookies next to caramelized apples the size of a New York studio. A selection that would make any self-respecting New York girl with body issues (and some boys — you know who you are) purge from ten feet away." He and his "posse" "took off for saner pastures." But wherever you go, there you are, Fab!

From the mailbag, regarding Former "It" Boy Fabian Basabe's blog post about his dissatisfaction with his publicist, who we'd assumed was R. Couri Hay: "High priced PR man could also be Bobby Zarem, who was hired after he split from Couri Hay... But of course, it's no one's fault that Fabian Basabe is essentially a d-list y-chromosome analog of Paris Hilton... And of course, the most ludicrous part is that Fabian paid $10K a month. Not a chance. He definitely doesn't have that kind of money."

Hey, remember Fabian Basabe? If you do, at all, it's probably because of his lawsuit against a Bungalow 8 doorman or his drunk driving arrests or calling club employees "negroes" or that he married a woman or his appearance on a show called Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive which, can you believe that actually happened? Anyway, he now reveals on his blog that he never intended to get a lot of bad press. No, he went out of his way to try to prevent himself from being slammed repeatedly by the evil news media!

Worlds collide: former "it" boy and minisocialite Fabian Basabe interviews angry right-winger Ann Coulter, 46. Coulter suggests that John Edwards is gay. Again. [Paper]

As Amy Sacco either A) fades into middle age and social irrelevance (soon she'll be just a Wikipedia stub) or B) plans a second legendary take-over of the world of nightlife, her underlings are graduating from beneath her. One underlord in particular, the "irrepressible" Bungalow 8 doorman Armin Amiri—protector of the realm and accused bruiser of p(r)etty boy Fabian Basabe—is set to open his own spot, called Socialista. It will apparently juxtapose Castro kitsch with Veblenian conspicuous consumption, down at Jane and the West Side Highway. "I believe in a healthy balance of capitalism and a socialism," he tells Spencer Morgan. So chin up, Amy Sacco—in case you ever need it, surely there's a dacha for your dotage in the offing.

We're already tired of newly officially opened venue The Box, theatre heiress Simon Hammerstein's jewelbox theater down in Freeman Alley. It's going to redemocratize nightlife as we know it and blah, blah, blah! But now Fabian Basabe, last year's Kristian Laliberte, has stepped inside.

Fabian Basabe—the well-born philanthropist and television star—has seen the charges he filed against Bungalow 8 doorman Armin Amiri dropped by the Manhattan DA's office. But Basabe, being the socialroach that he is, will not be deterred—he's filing a civil suit for $1 million in "punitive and compensatory damages." Amiri's thoughtful response was, "Good luck. I guess this is what happens when you don't have a job - you have to create something to do." Or create a way to find some cash, since working 9 to 5 doesn't seem to be his cup of tea.