With the return of Dallas and tomorrow's release of Rock of Ages, it's a so-bad-it's-at-least-worth-enduring kinda week. So apropos only of that, here's a hilariously awful song from I-can't-believe-it-is-Fabio's 1993 album After Dark. Over an 808-based Skinemaximal sound that makes Paula Abdul's "Rush Rush" sound like real hood shit, Fabio mumbles, "It's strange how I feel! Everything seems so unreal." I empathize. The hook goes, "When somebody loves somebody desperately, everything comes out so natural." Affection: the greatest laxative of all.

Thanks to his quest to become the new Old Spice guy, Fabio has spent the past several days at America's pop culture forefront. And while all of the Old Spice talk is getting... well, old, a recent weather forecast he did for Portland, Oregon's CBS affiliate is strangely entertaining. Watch Fabio undress you with his eyes in the video above. [KOIN]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Eli Roth sucking face with a teenager when he should've been watching Schindler's List The Happening.

It took them long enough, but People has finally seized the magical capabilities of the world wide web and uploaded each and every cover in its almost 45-year history online. And while we hand-picked a few of our favorites, from a very Dirk Diggler-looking John Travolta in 1983 to the sad black and white sight of Jennifer Aniston’s misty eyes looking up as Brad Pitt placed the wedding ring on her finger in 2000, we also featured a few after the jump that are slightly more disturbing. "Judge Judy Disrobed," and Brooke Shields doing her whole kiddie porn thing back in the 70s, for example. Plus, a very special throwback to a time when the world wondered whether Britney was looking “too sexy too soon” ... way back in 2000!

Fabio, a man who once got beat up by a pigeon goose on a roller coaster, was recently spotted at Equinox in LA bragging about how he "schooled" aging icon George Clooney during a shoving match at the LA restaurant Madeo. (By "schooled," he means "pot-kettleishly called a 'diva.'")

As a follow-up to this morning's post about a scuffle at Madeo between reigning hunks of two widely differing showbiz arenas—George Clooney and Fabio—we pass along this photo evidence, obtained by TMZ. In the pictures, the famed Lake Como resident is clearly seen delivering a middle-fingered salute in the direction of the male model, as annoyed that his extremely recognizable face might wind up on Fabio's Flickr page as he was that his nemesis's spoken-word album, "Fabio After Dark," had outsold his own, "A Few of George Clooney's Favorite Things," by a ratio of nearly two-to-one.

In an unlikely celestial confluence that saw the collision of the A-listiest of conscience-bearing Hollywood marquee idols with the synthetic-butter- substitute -hawking former star of Acapulco H.E.A.T., In Touch Weekly is reporting that a disagreement erupted between George Clooney and Fabio at Madeo Friday night, nearly bringing the two men to fisticuffs:

• Britney Spears has to pay $120,000 of her ex-husband Kevin Federline's attorney fees because he has "no net income." [Us Weekly]
  

The time: 9 p.m.
The date: January 8, 20067.
The place: Ono at the Hotel Gansevoort, 18 9th Avenue.
Sighted: "Fabio was at Ono with two other older gentlemen. Three classless Fabio-struck women began hovering around his table. The ladies wanted him to sign their boobs and they were really annoying. He was very pleasant about the whole thing."