Just as we now look back with amazement at our blissfully ignorant ancestors who thought that smoking was good for you, or that a suntan was a sign of health, future generations will be shaking their heads at our blithe and all-consuming addiction to the internet. Assuming, that is, that the human race survives long enough to realize that Facebook and Twitter are causing brain damage and turning the population into an army of ADHD-afflicted robots who may very well become incapable of propagating the species. Or so warns neuroscientist Susan Greenfield, who wants us to please, please think of the children.

In your hacked Wednesday media column: Rachel Maddow's less fascinating, 4Chan's smarter than Time, online news fails, and newspaper layoffs reported not in newspapers:

The editor of some Gannett paper issued a memo asking reporters to "reserve social networking... for your private time," since it's not like you can find sources on Facebook and Twitter.

Gel-coiffed San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom, having made his long-expected run for governor of California official, visits Facebook headquarters in Palo Alto. (Photo by Dave Morin)

Facebook's revenues are reportedly up 70 percent from last year, when they came in between $250 million and $300 million. What's their magic trick? Junky ads with catchy photos!

How do engineers decide which jobs to take in Silicon Valley? It's a complex algorithm involving money, friends, hype, and free food. Nowhere in the equation: slick videos. That's why Facebook's recruiting is failing.

There's a storm coming. A storm of people making fun of the National Association of Marriage's terrible anti-gay marriage ad. They are afraid. So they're kicking critics off Facebook.

Is Twitter amoral? Scientists have probed the issue, but the answer is obvious: Of course it is. It's a blank slate, by design — empty of values except for the cultish worship of the now.

Sanjay Mavinkurve, a brilliant Indian immigrant, wants to live the American dream — you know, go to Harvard, have some wealthy putz steal your software, then slave away as a Google code jockey!

The future is now, more so than ever. Silicon Valley, filled with worshipers of the new, has embraced "realtime" as the latest trend. If it didn't happen in the last 10 minutes, it doesn't matter.

Eating one's own placenta after giving birth is a time-honored tradition in many countries. Oversharing on the Internet is a crazy new trend everywhere. When they combine, you get placenta panini pictures on Facebook!

Facebook is already missing its CFO. Sheryl Sandberg, the social network's publicity-hungry COO now tells BusinessWeek that the money-losing social network is "profitable." Not because its revenues exceed its expenses, but because she says so!

Let's forget Facebook's soaring costs, screwed-up redesign, and paranoid 24-year-old CEO, and gaze at what Mark Zuckerberg has wrought: 200 million users chatting, flirting, living on one website. Has anyone accomplished a similar feat?

Where did Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg learn his imperious ways? Before he dropped out of Harvard, our social overlord was schooled in ruling others at Phillips Exeter Academy. Via a fellow Exonian, a leaked pic:

Remember that woman who used Facebook to track down the drunk who stole her laptop? It turns out she's part of a trend toward never losing anything ever again, thanks to the internet.

Carla Pillo Mote, an executive director at a Philadelphia advertising agency, used Facebook-stalking skills to track down the drunk guy who stole her laptop, tax files, and wallet. Too much information is a good thing!

Some people are having trouble connecting to the new, Twitter-like Facebook. So where are they complaining? On Twitter, naturally, where conspiracy theories abound.

Oh, good, some jackass in the Maryland State Senate threatening to withhold public funding from a major university for maybe playing a porno flick has become a TEACHABLE MOMENT. Join the Facebook group!

Facebook will be so over one of these days, and Vanessa Grigoriadis, New York's scribe of the self, is ready to quit. She's totally done with Mark Zuckerberg's creation. Just one more status update, promise!

The wheels seem to be coming off at Facebook after the ouster of CFO Gideon Yu. We hear another executive is leaving the social network to spend more time with his family.