Tragic news: The cool, understanding beard you got high and told all your troubles to during high school has passed away. The avuncular facial hair that was always down to buy your friends some beer was attached to actor/director Kevin Smith, and appeared in films like Clerks, Mallrats, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. It will be missed.
If you see a man sporting permanent stubble, it is appropriate to assume that he has character flaws that are very grave.
One of my coworkers who, to be honest, I find to be rather annoying, recently began growing what can only be referred to as a Hitler mustache. I am afraid he doesn't realize it as such, and that no one else at work will be willing to tell him. I don't know for sure how many friends he has outside of work.
Remember Matisyahu, the Hasidic rapper? Or, I guess, reggae singer? You know, the guy with the big beard? Had that one song? Kinda big on the jam-band circuit for a minute in the mid-2000s? Got it yet? Well, he shaved his beard today and posted a photo on Twitter. And then he posted this to his website:
Today is December 1. Do you know what that means? Oh, yeah World AIDS Day. That's great, but that's not what makes today awesome. Today marks the end of Movember, when all the jerks and mustache-come-latelys shave their upper lips. Thank the mustache gods.
Behold the new Boy Scouts of America print campaign, as conceived by Ogilvy & Mather and approved, apparently, by The Powers That Be. And while there are those who will inevitably object to the disorienting addition of bio-realistic beards to the beaming smiles of four pre-pubescent boys eager for whatever adventures lie ahead, I for one applaud the introduction of the century-old youth organization to the emergent hipster hobby of facial forestry and artisanal whisker cultivation. Just keep base camp far away from Amish country. [Copyranter]
Ohio police have arrested at least three men suspected of participating in a string of break-ins in which the victims have also had their beards and hair cut off and stolen. Authorities believe the mastermind behind the attacks is "renegade bishop" Sam Mullet, who leads a tiny Amish sect called the Bergholz Clan.
In yet another dark chapter in organized-Amish-crime history, The Wheeling Intelligencer is reporting that members of the Amish community near Bergholz, Ohio, are under investigation by at least four sheriff's departments for a string of recent break-ins in Amish homes. Every time, the victims' hair and beards were cut off.
Why is no one asking about the United States' humiliating failure to compete in the robots-with-facial-hair race? Though American scientists were at the forefront of the bearded robot revolution, a new collaboration between the Japanese company Geminoid and Danish professor Henrik Scharfe has produced the first-ever robot with a goatee (to the best of our knowledge). This is Geminoid DK, modeled on Dr. Scharfe. You should be nice! Someday, "barber for robot" will be the only job left for humans. The ones whose bodies aren't being harvested for energy by the global robo-consciousness, that is! [Geminoid DK]
The Daily Show returned from hiatus tonight and Jon Stewart addressed the change in facial hair almost immediately. He began the show by poking fun of himself before the internet could, saying, "You may be asking, why is Jon Stewart's evil cousin 'Wario' hosting the show?" Good question!
The American Mustache Institute is calling for the Mustached American Tax Incentive to help defray the costs of mustache maintenance, since mustached Americans improve American good looks and stimulate the economy. Sounds about right, actually.
Though Olympic fashion continues to revolve around flags and garish patriotic color, a strange undercurrent of hip infiltrated this year: jeggings-esque faux denim, a surfeit of plaid, and the world's most ironic mustache.
We've always wondered how a schlubby guy like Jimmy Wales sees so much action. It can't be the I-founded-Wikipedia-can-I-edit-your-page pickup lines — for every Rachel Marsden he lands with those, one thinks Wales would get 10 drinks in the face. At last, we've gotten a scientific explanation: It's the stubble. A recent study found women prefer mates with stubbly cheeks to smooth faces or full beards. (Thank you, Don Johnson.) And according to Wales's comprehensive compendium of facial hair stylings, Wales himself is the iconic paragon of stubble. (Photo by EvgenyGenkin)
