The limelight, man. It’ll chew you up and spit you out. No one knows this better than Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, the notorious drug cartel king who was finally arrested this week after months on the lam.

One year ago, a New York City college student named Rachael Sacks wrote a typically obnoxious Thought Catalog essay that "went viral" for approximately one week. Now, she is reminiscing on the pains of her lost fame.

Newsflash, you stupid cocks: The New Republic reports that Rebecca Martinson, author of the most deranged sorority email you will ever read, is shopping a novel she will write alongside the creative white minds behind White Girl Problems. The exercise promises to be a rough fucking ride.

If you want to wrap your head around the absurdity of celebrity in 2013, the New York Times Magazine's recent profile of Stalker Sarah is a good place to start. Sarah, 17, spends 40 hours a week hunting down celebrities so she can take pictures with them for little to no monetary profit on her end. From the profile:

Disclosure. Disclosure! I like Frank Rich, based on my small but existent amount of contact with him in the course of my work. And as someone who is well-enough employed, in the unstable business of journalism, and who is still not too old to have maybe have a chance to eventually become better employed, I am also wary of Frank Rich. The former New York Times theater critic-turned-columnist, now a New York magazine writer and an HBO something-or-other, exists within a network of powerful goodwill and even more powerful professional obligation.

Peripatetic poet-reporter Charlie LeDuff, author of Detroit: An American Autopsy, was arrested and* charged with aggravated assault after allegedly biting a security guard's finger this weekend, the Detroit Free Press reported. The incident happened at a St. Patrick's Day parade.

Last night, Jodie Foster, a famous actress who has been a famous actress for many decades, stood on stage at a glittery Hollywood awards show being broadcast around the world, and, in a lengthy, self-glorifying speech, in front of a crowd of the world's most famous people, asked for.... privacy. Is Jodie Foster clinically insane?

Lady Gaga tweeted the first promotional image for her new black sludge perfume "Fame" today.

Katy Perry to Teen Vogue, on fame:

Taylor Swift is the subject of a probing 60 Minutes piece this Sunday, in which Leslie Stahl connects the crossover country sensation to the collapse of the European economy, Iran's secret nuclear weapons program, and an illegal baby-fighting ring in China. No, just kidding — it's about how pretty she is and how she makes nice songs about how the the boys on the football team never ask her to the sock hop. In this preview clip, Swift explains that she takes herself very seriously. As a role model! I mean as a role model. She takes herself very seriously as a role model. Take it away, Taylor! [60 Minutes]

Film school is the journalism school of people who can't write. It's a place where kids with vague dreams of "making projects" go to chill out for a few years and learn that you should never call a "film" a "movie." Then they come out and get a shitty job for little money that pays them purely in proximity to power.

33-year-old IT consultant Sohaib Athar was just hanging out on Sunday at home in Abbottabad, Pakistan, when he heard an explosion and a helicopter hovering above. He started tweeting what was going on, and ended up unwittingly live-blogging the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden. Athar has become become such an internet celebrity that his website's been hacked.

Last week, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and girlfriend Priscilla Chan adopted a dog named Beast. He already has 65,300 Facebook fans and a photo of himself posing with a visiting dignitary.

Britney Spears posed for Out magazine and did a Q&A by email. She hate flying, loves Sarah Jessica Parker's shoes, and thinks "everyone should be equal."

Usually we think of basketball as the site of celebrity-sports nexus. Think: Spike Lee at the Knicks. But pretty much every celebrity has converged on Dallas today for the Super Bowl. Do any of them even like football?

Less than two weeks after checking into rehab at Dr. Phil's insistence, golden-voiced former homeless man Ted Williams has checked himself out against medical advice. This isn't the happy ending everyone was hoping for when this story started.

After going viral last week and getting picked up (and released) by the police this week, Ted Williams is now going to rehab. Who convinced him? Dr. Phil, of course. Williams is living the entire celebrity lifecycle in one month!

What we got from this profile of Bravo executive Andy Cohen in the Times today is that he basically is like the kid brother to every celebrity on Earth. He just goes around and makes them feel like normal people!

Ted Williams, the panhandler from the side of the I-71 in Columbus, Ohio with the golden voice, has been hired by MSNBC to do voiceovers for the network's Lean Forward campaign.

Why did Paris Hilton suddenly become so famous a few years ago while other ditzy fameseekers with no discernible talent—like, say, Tara Reid—fell off the map so quickly? Elizabeth Currid-Halkett breaks it down in her new book.