fast-food

World's Cleverest Ad Campaign Is Big Failure

Hamilton Nolan · 06/22/09 10:13AM

Sometimes a worthless "consumer" will see some very strategic high-concept ad that involves, say, a subservient chicken, and innocently ask, "How does that sell burgers?" And then the creative ad execs will chuckle at this un-strategic dunce, their target audience.

Quizno's: Taste the Poop

Hamilton Nolan · 05/19/09 11:45AM

Yes, Quizno's Submarine Sandwich Shoppe is run by oven-lusting sex pervs, but guess what, Quizno's: you have crossed the line by allowing 2 Girls, 1 Cup to be associated with your sandwiches. Think, you fools.

NBC Sells Its Nonexistent Soul For a $5 Subway Sandwich

Hamilton Nolan · 04/17/09 09:21AM

NBC has shockingly ruined the integrity of its dramatic show Chuck by allowing Subway what is perhaps the most blatant (and therefore laughable!) product placement in network TV history. Mmm, smell that chicken teriyaki.

Sir Mix-a-Lot Teaches Kids About Big Butts, Burgers

Hamilton Nolan · 04/07/09 03:47PM

Here we have, you know, big ass butts, pimping food to children. Which is totally wrong, which is, of course, the whole point, because SO COOL ad agency Crispin Porter Bogusky, the inventors of all the weird Burger King ad shit, did this ad, and they just love doing things that people will say is too weird and also wrong, because it generates "Buzz," just like Midtown Manhattan. The point is Sir Mix-a-Lot is teaching obesity and sexuality to your kids and you're really okay with that, deep down, because you love Whoppers.

Padma Lakshmi in Sordid Bacon Cheeseburger Sex Tape

Hamilton Nolan · 03/26/09 01:48PM

An attractive supermodel overcome with meat-induced lust? Where do I, an 18-34-year-old male with disposable income, sign up? At Hardee's! Padma Lakshmi has decided to do one of those Slutburger commercials.

Michael Phelps, Jared From Subway Form Goofy Coalition

Hamilton Nolan · 11/24/08 12:54PM

After he won 84 Olympic gold medals in Beijing and celebrated with a firm grip, Michael Phelps got a little screwy with his endorsement deals. He endorsed McDonald's, which made him seem insensitive to fat Americans who don't spend hours doing swimming drills every day, and he endorsed Frosted Flakes, which, you know, ditto. Some of his other endorsement choices came dangerously close to painting him as a nerd. But he's signed on with Subway now—a healthy choice! Screw McDonald's! But this causes as many problems as it solves for Fish Boy: