My father — an old lion of a man — would bark, "They don't give a fuck about you," any time I called a rapper, athlete or actor a "beast" for their artistic or athletic feats.

When he was 8, a boy from Kentucky promised his dad that he would buy him a '57 Chevy Bel-Air for his 57th birthday. His father had grown up as one of seven children in a poor family. Although he talked about his dream car often, he never expected to own one. Watch what happened when he realized that his son, now an adult, had followed through on that long-ago promise.

Michael Canaii (pictured, on throne) is the father of a high school-aged daughter here in New York City. And when he heard rumors that his daughter was acting out in adolescent rebellion, he did what any good father would do: showed up at her high school "swinging a heavy chain with a padlock" while threatening to "fight anyone in his path," all while demanding, "Who's fucking my daughter?"

For most of my life, I felt like I was a disappointment to my father. He never told me that I was, but it was obvious to me that I did not live up to the ideals he had in mind for his only son. I am not an athlete or a sports fan – my father has been both. He played football in high school and college, and then went on to coach the local high school football team when he and my mother moved to Ocean City, NJ, in the mid-'70s after they married. I was dressed up as a boxer for my first Halloween (just 10 days shy of my first birthday) and encouraged throughout my childhood to watch and play sports, despite my apathetic tolerance of the former and vocal disinterest in the latter. I played soccer, baseball and basketball until about 7th grade. I was terrible at all of them.

While Oprah Winfrey may seem, like an endless forest or a mighty river, to be something that always has been and always will be, it turns out she actually does have parents. One of them is getting divorced. His second wife says he tried to kill her.

Just in time for Father's Day, CNN.com has published a groundbreaking exposé declaring that not all dads are the blundering, inept morons they are portrayed to be on comedy programs and in television commercials.

This morning on Fox & Friends, Geraldo Rivera said unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin's choice to wear a hooded sweatshirt in public "is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin's death as George Zimmerman was." He used the example of "a dark skinned kid like my son Cruz, who I constantly yelled at when he was going out wearing a damn hoodie or those pants around his ankles."

The lesser two of the parents holidays (let's be serious) befalls the nation once more today, and given that it's Father's Day, not Mother's Day, that we're talking about here, you probably haven't gotten a gift yet. Which you should do! But be careful. Certain gifts say certain things you might not be aware of.

Back in the 20th century, America's dads passed down viable skills (masonry, woodcarving, mafioso-ing) or bustling family businesses (brick laying, carpentry, the syndicate) to their beloved sons, in hope that their offspring would grow up to become productive, progress-making citizens. But now all dads want to do is play the damn Angry Birds game. What kind of role-modeling is that?

Dr. Charles Bizilj took his eight-year-old son to a gun show two years ago. There, he videotaped his son's death, as the boy lost control while trying to test-fire an Uzi. Today, Bizilj is testifying in court. It is awful.

A 94-year-old Indian man is claiming that his 52-year-old wife gave birth to their son last month, which would make him the world's oldest father. Sources say the man is already asking his newborn son to keep his music down.

A German man was frustrated with the police's inability to stop his 17-year-old daughter from seeing her 57-year-old boyfriend. So he took matters into his own hands, and cut off the boyfriend's balls with a bread knife.

Aaron Gouveia and his wife recently visited a Massachusetts clinic to abort their unborn baby, who had a congenital deformity/no chance of survival. While there, they were accosted by anti-abortion protesters. Gouveia then turned the tables on them. Watch inside.

We here at Gawker.TV love our dads. But we really love our TV dads, for they taught us everything we'd need to know about life in under an hour. From the Danny Tanners to the Frank Costanzas, we salute you!

Everybody listen: Scarlett Johansson is saying stuff. About men. Heroic men! Iconic men! Men she would like to honor! The blonde actress, who insists on putting out an unwanted record, reveals the five guys she considers her "dads": Woody Allen, Bill Murray, Tom Waits, Barack Obama, and Bob Dylan. Suck it, actual dad! While a waggish type might be tempted to point out that none of these "dads" saved her from looking like an alien albino on the cover of Paste, a wiser person would examine her dad choices and ponder the question: Aren't these just a bunch of random old guys that probably don't even know her that well?