Restaurateur Jeffrey Chodorow and Times food critic Frank Bruni have mad cow beef. Think of it as Suge Knight v. P. Diddy without guns or any sort of street cred. Ever since Bruni flayed Choad's Kobe Club, the two have been in a cat fight—well, mostly it's been Choad on Brundle, with the latter disdaining the former. But Chodorow is opening up Wild Salmon on April 6th, the latest avatar in the space where English is Italian died the death of a thousand cuts. There's a new (unheard of) chef from Seattle, Charles Ramseyer—and a chance for the feud to dissolve! On the other hand, there's the chance for it to escalate, something we would love to see. Bruni has three options: love it, hate it, ignore it. Each action has its own opposite and not at all equal reaction. Here's our quick flow chart explaining.

As we previewed yesterday, Tori Spelling, the little girl we all watched grow up, earn a starring role on her father's hit TV show, stage several failed comeback attempts, wreck a marriage, fail to show up to her father's deathbed, air her petty grievances with her mother on a series of celebrity rag covers, get pregnant, then turn the entire experience into an Oxygen network reality show, can now add another impressive line to her already inspirational biography: Loving mother of a healthy baby boy.

You can imagine how delighted we are to see the feud- seed that we planted germinating, sprouting, and beginning to bear stinky, bitter fruit: elder statesman of goss David Patrick Columbia has finally seen fit to bite back at the nasty young upstart/s (*cough* Derek Blasberg *cough cough*) at Socialite Rank. SR had emailed us to clarify that the reason they no longer linked to DPC's New York Social Diary was that he was "boring," "dull as a plastic airline knive [sic]," and that his audience "already qualifies for reservation spaces in the cemeteries." David Patrick Columbia has a few choice words for the Rankles, and they're at least all spelled correctly. Snap! After the jump, we translate them from old-people-ese.

You've by now had some time to savor every last morsel of Donald Trump's buffet of fat jabs and stupid-lady jokes aimed squarely at Rosie O'Donnell. We can finally share with you the attack that started it all: a spirited invective in its own right from O'Donnell, in which she first performs an amazing approximation of the Manhattan land baron's otherworldy hair, then calls him out for his self-serving "pardoning" of the cokey-boozy reigning Miss USA, and concludes with heartwarming Hannukah wishes for Trump to "sit and spin, my friend."

Considering why Ron Burkle now supposedly "detests" former dinner companion and alleged sex perv Jeffrey Epstein, the most obvious explanation was that Burkle passed judgment on Epstein's bedroom proclivities. However, the real reason for their split may go back to two particular forces responsible for so much anxiety in this town — Bill Clinton and Radar magazine. In hindsight, it was all too obvious, really.

The onetime fluffer of New York Sun column "Lunch at the Four Seasons," Pranay Gupte, was last seen on his way to Dubai to take over as business editor at the Khaleej Times (he was to give the paper his "Gupte touch"). Last Friday he returned to New York, bounced out of the job after 13 days. Gupte's extended explanation points the finger ultimately at a government takeover of the Khaleej Times causing his ouster. It's hard to tell where Gupte really places the blame though, since he trashes the paper's old owner, one of the editors, the paper's overall quality, and its new status as a "government organ," all the while singing the praises of Dubai's autocratic ruler, Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum. As anyone familiar with Dubai knows, Khaleej Times has generally sucked for some time, and the press there has only ever been just as free as the government has seen fit to allow. Anyway, though Gupte mentions the same incidents dismissively, a tipster claims Gupte was booted for more personal reasons.

You think it's over? It's only over when Andrew Krucoff (and his swarm of parasitical pro bono attorneys) say it's over. To recap, friendly Gawker ghost Krucoff won an eBay auction for lunch with Architectural Digest's Katherine Scully. The auction was arranged to benefit a charity called Alpha Workshops, which trains people with HIV in the "decorative arts." However, after winning the auction and paying up, Krucoff was notified by Paypal — days later — that the lunch was no longer available, and his money was refunded. No further explanation has been forthcoming. But given the suspicion that the auction might have been scotched due to Krucoff's tempestuous history with AD owner Conde Nast, the man is in no mood to take a form rejection lying down. Instead, there is hushed, urgent, accusatory whispering about restraint of trade, legal recourse, and loss of work — in other words, can we polish up a teapot for this tempest? The faceless folk at eBay assure that "appropriate action" has been taken after the auction cancellation, and Alpha Workshops appears to have dropped out of the eBay auction business. Let's hope that if the charity wouldn't take Krucoff's money, they at least took Conde Nast's to kill the deal.

Who can truly claim to know the ultimate origin of David Cross's hatred of Jim Belushi? Is it one comic's disdain for another's hackery? Does Cross feel it necessary to defend the deceased John Belushi's comedic legacy from his brother Jim's tomb raiding? Or is it just a specious vendetta created for the sake of awkward tragic theater? In any case, enjoy the above clip of Cross crashing the stage during a set by Jim Belushi's Blues Brothers rip-off band. Cross's nimble little douche-dance and gaping grin pretty much say it all.

• Tao Lin and Whitney Pastorek star in the world's most boring literary feud. [RODB]
• More sushi for Julie Buxbaum! [Above the Law]
• Flash mobs: The second generation is even douchier than the first. [Gridskipper]
• Former NYT neediest case not exactly helpful to the needy. [NYDN]
• New York is the new Sacramento: Ruby Tuesday is coming to town! [AP]
• NYT cannot get enough of Peter Gelb, the Met's new general manager. It's like they're related to him or something. [NYT]
• NBC harnesses the power of YouTube. This gets a little meta. [YouTube]

You can add "blogger hurt my feelings" to the list of go-to topics for columnists having a hard time finding something to write about. The latest example comes from the pages of Time, where book critic Lev Grossman takes on Ed Champion of edrants.com. While admitting that he's fair game, Grossman still feels the sting of Champion's barbs: "I do know that in the past Edward Champion has called me...'the Uwe Boll of the book reviewing world.'" (Boll, the man responsible for House of the Dead and BloodRayne, is widely believed to be the worst director in the world, if not of all time.)" But, at the end of an essay filled with tortured superhero metaphors, Grossman extends the olive branch, saying,

Your afternoon video microhumor: Cable access show in Tampa, Florida, captures porcine conservative radio host Tony Katz versus strip-club owning liberal county commissioner candidate Joe Redner. After holding forth in a dignified though extemporaneous fashion ("You're a liar!", "You're fat!"), Katz storms off the set, only to return and hurl a chair at his ponytailed foe. Of the several possible video clips of the incident (including Youtube, which sadly doesn't include a shot of Katz and is thus unsatisfying), we're going with the CBS segment as our favorite — see if you can count just how many times they show Redner taking the chair in the face. Everyone drink!

Forget the conflict in the Middle East; there's a more pressing struggle being waged right here at home. It's a fight between the crossword geeks and the Sudoku nerds. In a revealing American Prospect essay, Matt Gaffney limns the hostilities between the warring tribes. The Crossworders look down upon the Sudokites, finding their puzzles to be inelegant, mindless, and, worst of all, computer-generated. The Sudokites, on the other hand, can hardly hear the complaints of the Crossworders, insulated as they are behind giant walls of money. The double-dealing Judas of the piece is NYT crossword editor Will Shortz, who is now making a small fortune slapping his name on Sudoku compilations. How this battle will play out and what it says about the state of American gaming is unclear (who, for instance, speaks for those who prefer the jumble?), but we're pretty sure there's a name for the kind of person getting so upset about it: It's a four-letter word that starts and ends with a "t," and is the kind of vulgarity you may see on certain t-shirts.

Consider the feud: It's the flame that fuels the blogosphere, the stuff that sells the glossy mags, the only reason anyone outside of barely legal dyslexic nymphets has heard of Doug Dechert. After the jump we take a quick look at a few of the feuds that have been happening this week and choose up sides.

For a piece about literary feuds among not-famous authors, one that takes place primarily on blogs even, Salon knows how to keep our interest: