The Phi Gamma Delta fraternity at James Madison University did not wait one second of this new school year to start preying on “hot” freshman girls, according to a disturbing new rush guide that’s currently circulating on campus. The guide, sent to us by a tipster, includes the name, room number, and a 1-10 hotness ranking of several freshman girls in a particular dorm, so that potential new bros can find them and bring them to FIJI parties.

What do you do when people find out your frat hosted a racist "border patrol" party, during which guests donned ponchos, sombreros, and construction gear replete with "Pablo Sanchez" name tags? Claim the event was "western-themed," as certain members of the Fiji fraternity at the University of Texas-Austin have done.

Fiji Water announced it's shutting down operations in Fiji after the government imposed a harsh new tax on water bottling and had a Fiji Water executive deported. Where on earth will they ever find more water for their square bottles?

In your fabulous Thursday media column: John Madden retires, newspapers just falling apart everywhere, Martha Stewart gets a fat contract, and Fiji's version of The Onion: