When 72-year-old John Swain was kicked off the Bryant Park shoeshine stand, he decided to take matters into his own hands. So he torched it. Twice. The man who fired Swain said "he seemed like a level-headed guy." [NYP, pic]

Christmas is a time for trees. Stockings. The crackling of logs on a fire. Except that the last one causes emissions and ruins the planet! You bastards! In towns around the country, the government is battling this menace. With spies.

If you're pranks aren't using harmful chemicals, you're not trying hard enough. She's going to feel so foolish when that campfire gets out of control later. And when her hubby goes blind.

"Brainstorm: Our cat is too snooty, let's bring him down a peg." Later: "That's what that you get. For being a cat."

The fire that injured NY1 anchor Dean Meminger's dad was not sparked by crack pipe.

Stuyvesant High School junior Mohammed Hassan was arrested last week for setting fires at school. Sounds like the case is all wrapped up, eh? Wrong. Now there are more fires. And taunting notes! And hieroglyphics! A fiery criminal thrill ride!

As if retailers weren't already panicky about Black Friday and the upcoming holiday shopping season, now they have worry about fire alarms sending shoppers to the exits. Racked is reporting a fire on Broadway south of Prince Street has forced Mango, Hugo Boss and Sephora to evacuate customers and employees. [Racked]

An alert tipster sends us this dynamic pic of a burning cab near Times Square, just moments ago. The NYT asks, and our readers answer. Another shocking inferno image after the jump.

So, L.A., apparently, you're on fire, we hear? 3,000 homes on the northeastern edge of the city are currently being evacuated after 20,000 acres have already been burned. Want to see what it looks like in 24 seconds?

This has been a rough year for the Plaza what with the high-priced apartments that haven't been selling, retail space that hasn't been renting, and the bitter lawsuits that have landed the iconic building in the public eye. Further proof that the Plaza just can't catch a break? A taxi exploded in front of the building yesterday, "sending flames shooting 10 feet into the air as people strolling through the jampacked block near Fifth Avenue and Central Park ducked for cover." [NYP, previously]

No big surprise. [NYT]

Oh dear. Not even Dr. Spaceman can fix this. There's been a bad fire at the apartment of Tracy Morgan, who plays the otherworldly Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock.

Tracy Morgan's "faulty fish tank" set off a fire yesterday inside his apartment at 160 Riverside Boulevard. Thankfully, no one was hurt in the incident. But could we kindly ask that some city official send the frequently drunk comedian a bill? According to fire officials,"25 units and 78 firefighters responded to the blaze, which was declared under control at 9:01 am." [NYP]

Universal is burning. Visit Universal! Though the fire was at the studio and the ad is probably for the amusement park, this mixed messaging is why computers will never beat humans when it comes to proven advertising placement that gets results. Monetary results. Results that don't involve any of your customers getting burned in fires. The so-called "geniuses" of the internet have yet to master that one, I guess! David Ogilvy, a human, would have caught this error using nothing more than a pencil, a pad of paper, and a big idea. Click to enlarge. [Gregg Scott via Mark Lisanti]

It's not even 8am and today is already setting up to be a real doozy. Reports are just coming in that the Universal Studios backlot — possibly the Back To The Future set — is on fire right right now. A tipster sent in the above photo and wrote in that he "woke up to loud bangs - almost like tanks were exploding." While there are no reports suggesting that the blaze is anywhere near the Gibson Ampitheater, where the MTV Movie Awards are scheduled to be held later this afternoon, we will certainly keep you posted. Don't forget, so long as the red carpet isn't on fire, we're scheduled to be liveblogging the awards today beginning at 3pm PST. As they say in the business, developing...

The building houses Basque Nightclub and Restaurant, but it was not open at the time and no one is said to have been inside. Towering 40-foot flames shot through the roof of Basque Nightclub and smoke could be seen and smelled for miles.

Breaking news: A fire has erupted on the top floors of the Monte Carlo in Vegas. "The three-alarm fire, which began just before 11 a.m., was spreading from the center section of the hotel across the roof line. Flames and plumes of black smoke could be seen on what appeared to a west-facing rooftop of the resort." The building has been evacuated, and no injuries have been reported. Insert lazy joke about it being the most flaming thing in Vegas since Siegfried & Roy ruled The Mirage, and let's call it a day. [LAT]

DC is on fire for once! The "old executive office," an pretty old building basically across the street from the White House, is AFLAME on the "Today Show" right now, due to a problem in an "electrical closet" in the Vice President's "ceremonial office." Mishap in the torture room or is he DESTROYING THE EVIDENCE? We'll never know 'cause "Today" just cut back to Patti LaBelle's fightin' choir. [WP]

"The horror of having to evacuate homes during Malibu's biggest wildfire in recent history is not being helped by fallen pop star Britney Spears' recent custody troubles. 'Basically, all the paparazzi are still out there trying to get their Britney shot,' said one resident of the beachy burg. 'They don't even care much about the burning houses.'" [NYO, Photo: AP]

Oooh, thanks to the fire at Paramount Plaza, some people will be going home literally minutes early! "Message from Philippe Guelton, EVP/COO, Hachette Filipacchi Media U.S.: As a result of this afternoon's fire in the freight elevator area of the 45th floor, the building authorities will be shutting off the electricity to our offices for several hours while they evaluate the potential damage to the building systems. This testing should not effect the elevator service. All personnel are encouraged at this time to turn off their computer systems and leave for the day. The office will be open as usual tomorrow."