To Dr. Ben Carson, Thomas Jefferson is more than just the man on the $10 bill.

It's settled, then: The founding fathers were not, in fact, "actively involved" in cockfighting. With roosters.

"1776 will commence again if you try to take our firearms!" an unhinged Alex Jones once screamed at a slightly more-hinged Piers Morgan. Jonesies—who've gone all in for Cliven Bundy—love to cite America's founders to defend their gun caresses. Usually, they get it wrong.

If you're a washed-up one-term Tea Party congressman and you're writing a soon-to-be-bestselling jeremiad on dirty libruls, here's a pro tip: Don't use a bunch of fake "founding fathers" quotes from the footers of your Ayn Rand reading group's email threads.

Matt Drudge, the Offer Nissim superfan who runs the link aggregator of record for black-on-white crime and Michelle Obama's eating habits, is in Washington, D.C., today, for some reason, where he is observing the weather:

In yet another sign that American values are doomed, Fox News has uncovered the shocking truth about how detained illegal immigrants are treated in your country: They're allowed to play bingo! And they have access to libraries! Is nothing sacred?

The Texas textbook whitewashers were right about Thomas Jefferson: The Library of Congress has discovered that Jefferson originally wrote "subjects" instead of "citizens" in an early draft of the Declaration of Independence. Was the "Man of the People" a phony?

We have another Alabama candidate making insane campaign commercials. This one is Rick Barber, the Tea Party favorite in a looming congressional runoff, and he's trying to convince several exhumed Founding Fathers to revolt against the United States of America!